How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

March 12, 2020/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Divorce is never an easy thing, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist. And having kids in the mix makes it even more difficult. You are leaving the relationship to protect yourself and your kid, but that doesn’t always mean your kids will understand what’s going on. How do you figure out how to talk to kids about divorce?

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Every kid will react differently to the situation and the eventual separation of parents. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, some kids may become angry or act out, others may develop greater separation anxieties, and some may ask where the other parent is. All of these are normal responses to the divorce.

There are a few things you can do though. One of the vital things you can do to help your kids is to reassure them that the divorce was not their fault. Tell them this was about you and their dad, that things needed to change for the benefit of everyone. But make sure they know that both parents still love and care about them.

Depending on the maturity of the kid and the current turmoil at home, your kids might notice the unhappiness going on. They may see that there is constant fighting between you and your spouse. Or they could be picking up on how degrading and abusive one parent is being to the other. In these situations, telling them may bring more understanding and a level of relief than you think.

Explaining the Custody Order to Your Child

Part of your divorce will be a custody order. There are two main types of custody orders that will be addressed during court proceedings: physical and legal. A physical custody order tells where each child lives, with which parent, and on what days. Legal custody orders specify which parent gets to make decisions about what happens to the child.

Physical custody orders can vary greatly depending on the situation. The court can award joint custody meaning the child spends 50% of their time with each parent. If the child is staying with one parent more than 50% of the time they are the custodial parent with the other parent getting visitation rights with the child.

Some physical custody arrangements can be spending six months living with one parent then six months with the other parent. Another scenario might be one parent having the kids a couple of nights of the week while the other parent gets them the other two nights and on alternating weekends and holidays. What the physical custody order looks like depends on the agreement reached between you and your ex-spouse.

Legal custody orders consist of things like where you send your child to school, daycare, religious affiliations, etc. It is possible to have sole or majority of the physical custody and still share legal custody 50/50.

As you begin going through this process, don’t dump all the details onto your child. If they are really little simply reassure them that even though things are changing, you love them and so does your spouse. Kids that are old enough to process some of the changes going on can be told about the arrangements. Keep it simple and to the facts about who they will stay with, when, and where.

Finding the New “Normal”

After the dust has settled, its time to help your kids find the new normal. This comes through lots of love, nurture, and routines. Don’t necessarily expect your ex-spouse to follow your expectations and parenting demands. What they do depends upon the agreement you made.

If you agreed to co-parent you will both work together to set the rules for your child. You will have to decide through talking or some other communication what bedtime, meals, and everyday routines will be regardless of which parent has them.

In some cases, such as divorcing a narcissist, co-parenting may not be the best option. In this case, you can try parallel parenting. When you parallel parent, big decisions such as medical ones, will usually still be made by both parents. But everyday parenting decisions such as meals and bedtime routine will be made by each parent individually. So you may do things differently than your ex-spouse.

However, you decide to parent following the divorce, talk to your kids about the new changes. If you are parallel parenting, let them know that when they are with their dad things will be different than when they are with you. Tell them what your expectations are when they are staying with you and stick to it.

Helping Them See Their Value While You Rediscover Yours

As you work through figuring out how to talk to kids about divorce, you will not just need to explain what’s happening but also reassure them of their value. You have likely been robbed of any feelings of being valued for quite some time if you are divorcing a narcissist. Take time to once again rediscover your identity and value in life.

One thing to keep in mind even though it won’t be easy, your kids are adjusting to the new family situation. It might be difficult for them but with love and reassurance, they can still grow to be healthy, happy adults.

Co-parenting and Divorce Dos and Don’ts

January 5, 2020/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard, but co-parenting with a toxic ex can draw the burden of emotional abuse on for indefinite periods of time. Courts expect everyone to get along, but trying to reach agreements or have existing agreements maintained is nearly impossible with a toxic ex who insists on using the situation to maintain a power edge over you.

We were at Disneyland with a group of other moms. It was supposed to be a day to relax and enjoy time with my son and our friends. Of course, a message came through from my attorney. After nearly two years, there were still accusations being thrown by my ex. So much for a day at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Everything becomes a trigger when co-parenting with a toxic ex. My therapist had already explained to me the concept of crazy-making and much of what my ex did was just that. Even being on my own, I was still in a bad situation because my ex wasn’t interested in co-parenting, he was only interested in gaining an advantage where he could. He wanted things the way he wanted them when he wanted them.

That didn’t matter if it was a change in the schedule he wanted for the holidays, he’d simply say it was his holiday even when the court order clearly stated otherwise. Accusing me of being a negligent mother because my son wore a scarf knit by my grandmother around his neck, my ex claiming it was a choking hazard.

Getting Through a Difficult Divorce

Getting divorced with a toxic ex starts with setting your real set of boundaries. This can be hard because you may be emotionally torn for a variety of reasons: a broken heart, wanting to protect your child, or wanting to believe they will agree when there are lawyers and judges involved. A difficult divorce is one that even the smallest of things can’t be agreed upon.

My son and I were finally in our new home, small but ours. My ex insisted on coming over to assess Matthew’s living arrangements. I shouldn’t have let him, but I felt I didn’t have anything to hide. On my list was a washer and dryer for the garage. My ex offered to get it for us. Three months later he demanded repayment for something he willingly gave me. There was no way to prove what he said.

Divorce can take a long time when conflicts exists and conflict will almost always exist with a toxic ex. Everything you say will be refuted, every accusation about you will be made, every opportunity to argue will be made. When you try to ignore the craziness, you’ll be accused of ignoring the situation. My divorce process was my life for two and a half years. I thought co-parenting would be easier once the case was settled and we were officially divorced.

wall mural of girl letting heart balloon go

Setting a Custody Schedule

Getting a custody schedule in order as soon as possible will be the first thing you need to do to co-parent with a toxic ex. The advice given to me was that once the schedule is set, don’t ever ask for adjustments to it. That opens the door to the other party not needing to follow it. Keep in mind how important the custody schedule is to your child, too.

Even with a 50/50 split in time, my son hated the back and forth of the schedule: Mondays/Tuesdays with mom, Wednesdays/Thursdays with dad, and alternating weekends to create a 5-day custody window regularly. This type of back and forth is hard enough on a child; start changing them because you want to go out with the girls only adds stress to an already stressful situation. Don’t misunderstand me, wanting to be with adult friends is good and important. But do your best to make that on your off days.

He fought two and a half years for joint custody and won. The first phone call I got from him the day after our divorce was finalized was to take his custody weekend because he was busy. That was the start of hundreds of declined and missed custody days.

When you don’t alter from the schedule, at least on your end, you can always go back to the schedule as your point of power. If my ex wanted to switch days, I’d say no but that I was happy to take or son if he didn’t have the time to watch him. I’d always simply say, I preferred to stick to the schedule and our regular planned activities. It was true whether it was set playdates or sports, I didn’t want to lose time with things my son valued and his father wasn’t likely to take him to.

Legal Custody and What That Means

Legal custody is the right to make decisions about how your kid will be raised. It gives a parent the right to choose things like schools, athletics, doctors and medical care, and can even define social activities or hobbies. It is possible to not have your child live in the house and still have legal custody – meaning your child can live with you full time but your ex may still have input and the rights to state how your child is raised.

My son was turning 16 with a car already waiting for him in the driveway. I hadn’t thought about the requirements before I tossed him the Hawaii driver’s education book. He was living with me 100% of the time yet we quickly realized that his dad would need to be there in person or get a liability waiver notarized because he still had 50% legal custody. The waiver never came and the car sits in the driveway waiting for its owner to become a licensed driver.

I can’t count the number of times that legal joint custody has created a problem in a choice I was making for my son, whether it was travel decisions or him getting his driver’s license. Co-parenting is a way to share the big decisions, but when you disagree it requires court action or simply no action as in the case of my son getting his driver’s license. It’s been a year and he’ll wait until he’s 18 to get his licenses despite being a responsible, A student.

Physical Custody and What that Means

Physical custody is simply where your child lives. You can have a co-parenting agreement where the child lives with one parent 100% and the other parent has 100% legal custody. While it is possible, the more likely scenario is shared custody of some sort. Physical custody does affect things like taxes. If you share 50% physical custody, make sure your court orders state who gets to claim the child on tax returns.

While my co-parenting agreement was originally 50% physical and legal custody, the orders stated that I could claim my child for taxes and thus get head of household rather than single. It helps save on taxes big time and not something you want to overlook.

“As your son gets older, he will dictate where he stays and for how long. Kids want to spend less time with their parents and more time with friends as they get older. Physical custody becomes less of an issue.”

That’s what my attorney told me as we discussed the outcome of the court case. At the time, my son was so young that the thought of the custody schedule one day not mattering was little solace to the fact that he wouldn’t be with me half of the time. Physical custody and custody schedules are one of the hardest parts of co-parenting.

Co-parenting Dos and Don’ts

It may seem simple, follow what the court order says and you’ll be in good shape. However, as detailed as the court order is, there are so many dynamics to a parenting plan that it gets hard to keep emotions in check if you are still healing from the divorce.

Co-parenting Dos

Here are some things to do when co-parenting to keep conflict down:

Follow the court order as much as possible including pick up times and scheduled days.
Give the other parent plenty of notice for doctors’ appointments, school meetings, or changes to the schedule.
Keep all formal communication to email or a co-parenting communication app so you have a record of what was said and when.
Be acutely aware of how your child is feeling irrespective of your own feelings.
Learn to use a non-accusatory or inflammatory tone. Be concise in communication and stick to the facts of what needs to be communicated.

Co-parenting Don’ts

Here are some things to avoid when co-parenting to keep conflict down:

Don’t forget your child’s best interest ALWAYS.
Avoid being demanding or accusatory to your ex; if there is a real problem regarding your child’s health and welfare, call your attorney or get a mediator.
Don’t assume you have any control over who your ex introduces to your child, disciplining them, when they let them go to bed, and what type of food they eat when not with you. Unless there is a dangerous or negligent situation, the courts don’t care if the eat McDonald’s every day when with your ex; they’re eating.
Don’t assume physical custody is in any way related to child support; even deadbeat dads are given rights to see their kids.

Dealing with Co-parenting Conflicts

It doesn’t matter how clearly you define a parenting plan, when you have two parties who don’t agree on how to raise a child you will have conflicts. Some may be innocent disagreements simply because you have strong but differing opinions about simple things like bedtime or what movies your child is allowed to watch. Other conflicts could simply become a means of control for one party or the other.

At the end of the day, you need to communicate with your child that what the rules in your house are exactly that. You must be prepared for the “fun parent” to get kudos from the kids for lax rules, if any. Whatever you do, be present in your child’s life when they are with you and don’t let the conflicts seep into your time. That becomes toxic parenting and can damage your relationship with your child, the person you are fighting so hard for.

When you realize and accept that you can’t control the other party in co-parenting and accept that parallel parenting is your best option (parallel parenting means the rules at your house are yours and the rules at your ex’s are theirs) you will find freedom. It doesn’t mean there won’t be times of frustration but you will begin to live your best life and your child will like how that looks and feels.

Find a place you can vent your frustrations. The Single Mommy Tribe is a private Facebook Group where you can vent, cry, laugh, and everything in between. Feel free to find us and join a group of like-minded women.

candy canes on table with pine cones and lights

Finding Christmas Traditions as a Single Mom

December 23, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Home Life /by kimberlee

Christmas was always a very hard time of the year for me when my son was younger and we lived away from my family. As a single mom, winter break was often split which meant doing a lot of the lead up traditions to Christmas Eve wasn’t possible every year. It felt disjointed and awkward to try to build traditions that I could maintain every year. Traditions can become a burden.

Holiday Stress

I love winter holidays. Sure, growing up in Hawaii isn’t exactly the place to celebrate winter, but I love the trees, the lights, the movies, the songs, well the list just goes on. I love it all. And when I lived where it snowed, I loved that too! But the magic of Santa was a challenge when my son was younger. We didn’t have a lot of money for presents and the timing of my custody always seemed to leave something lacking when it came to doing the little things like seeing Santa or going on a train for a tree finding expedition.

I wanted him to remember his time with me, enjoy the holidays, and learn to love the magic of the season. But it was hard to juggle it all. School plays, PTA fundraisers, class parties, present shopping, and post office insanity all contributed to not being able to cuddle on the sofa to watch Rudolph with hot chocolate or eggnog.

We’d get invited to gatherings and holiday parties of friends, but those became awkward for me if my son wasn’t with me. Everyone asking where he is was always a reminder that he wasn’t with me. Their innocent questions stung my soul. Over time I started to decline holiday gatherings unless he was with me; it was just easier.

Why Traditions Matter

I’m what one would consider the family historian. I know the family tree, keep the recipes alive, and am very proud of who I am as it pertains to where I’ve come from. For me, these were important things to help my son understand even living 2,100 miles across an ocean away from my close family. Traditions are important because they give us a sense of belonging and comfort in consistency. Even a cranky teen can appreciate knowing that some things are just what we do as a family.

Some traditions are cultural and help us stay connected to our past. It’s also time when family expects to spend time together with love, laughter, and the occassional arguement over something as silly as the tree topper choice. When traditions involve extended family, the younger generation gets to know the older relatives and distant cousins, expanding their inner family circle. Making the same recipe for dinner helps you feel connected when living thousands of miles away.

Finding Our Own Way with Traditions

There was one consistent part of my winter with my son, Christmas Eve though Christmas Day. Our traditions had to fit into this 36-hour window, sometimes rushed and hectic. But it had to be done in that time slot. The presents were already wrapped with Santa’s specially wrapped presents hidden out of sight. The tree would have been decorated the day after Thanksgiving or as soon as we could. My mom started sending him Hawaiian Santa ornaments when he was born, a way to connect our mainland home to our roots in Hawaii.

With everything all ready for the morning Santa presents reveal, I’d make a simple dinner. We’d eat as the Christmas movie binge would start. All the classic claymation films from my childhood like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. He’d open his presents from me and we’d play as I’d put on A Christmas Story and just soak in the evening. I’d let him plead his case to sleep on the sofa which we did, year after year. We’d put the milk and cookies out for Santa with a few carrots for the reindeer.

Somewhere around 1 AM, I’d try to pry myself from his slumbered cuddle without waking him. I’d tip toe around the house for a few minutes to make sure he didn’t wake just feet from the tree. I’d eat the the cookies and feed the carrots to the dog, keeping just a few bites to toss into the yard in the morning. It was all so easy except when you’re transporting a Santa gift filled with Lego parts through the dark. One stumble becomes a loud tell-all. Yet, year-after-year I managed to not wake him and slip back into an uncomfortable cuddle on the sofa.

Holiday Magic

Now that he is 17, there is no need to wait for Santa. Ironically, as hard and exhausting as they were, I miss the Santa routine. Why? Becuase for all the trouble of the holidays, the biggest tradition I worked hard to create was the feeling that Santa and the Spirit of Christmas was magically. I couldn’t afford a wild and crazy Christmas, yet every year I systematically figured out what was the most special gift: not just Legos but a new box of Star Wars Lego you couldn’t buy anymore.

It took planning all year to save the money to make the holiday special. It wasn’t about an expensive toy; it was his eyes widening and saying, “Of course that is Santa because I know we couldn’t get that.” That for me, even today, is the magic of a simple holiday tradition of what Santa will bring in the morning. Truth: I well up just thinking about it because I never wanted him to see the stress I experienced during the holidays. I wanted his tradition to be one of magic and his reaction was the only way I ever knew that I succeeded. Now, that part of the holiday is a memory, but a very special one that brings me joy as I look at the young man who will lay on the floor and play with the dog as we put on our movies and enjoy Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays to all. If you need a place to talk and vent, the Single Mommy Tribe is a safe place to share and get support. No one should feel alone this holiday season.

Staying in a Toxic Relationship Impact on Kids

June 29, 2019/1 Comment/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Home Life, Parenting /by kimberlee

Many moms staying in a toxic relationship, marriage or otherwise, justify their own unhappiness and fears to keep a nuclear family together for the kids. The truth is that staying in a bad marriage or toxic relationship has a negative effect on kids. Kids see and hear just about everything, no matter how much we try to hide it.

There are many long-term effects that include learning negative patterning, depression, withdrawal, and isolation. If you are staying in a bad relationship for your children, as admirable as it might feel, it might not be the best for either or you in the long run.

Here are the main impacts your toxic relationship has on your children:

Fear of Intimacy

When children see mom and dad unable to maintain a healthy relationship, often with mom crying or dad yelling, they may fear getting close to others. This often starts with isolation behavior in social scenarios with peers and can grow into a fear of intimacy.

Children coming from toxic relationships will view intimacy as a way that people get hurt. In order to protect themselves, they reject any form of a close relationship. Even when they desperately want to be loved and in love, they will engage in relationships extremely guarded. As the relationship continues, they may replay what they say mom and dad do in arguments.

Learned Aggression

Children develop habits based on what they see. Boys (and girls) and see dad belittling or even physically harming mom will learn that this is the normal way couples interact. Kids who see mom cowering at the sound of dad’s keys in the door will feel they need to hide from those who supposedly love them.

These patterns are developed subconsciously and take a lot of work to undo. As a single mom raising a boy, the last thing you want is for him to raise his hand to you when he is getting punished. As a single mom of a girl, you want your daughter to feel strong enough to stand up for her feelings, safety, and happiness. This is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish when staying in a toxic relationship.

Undefined Sense of Self

Every parent knows that the mind of a child is very impressionable. The reason for this is that children are developing their sense of self, based on what they see and experience. Children want to be loved, have close friends, and explore their talents. However, children who live in a home where a toxic relationship is prevalent are constantly fighting their own inner dialogue and impulses.

They will get close to someone and then stop being friends without warning. In many cases, they will just end a relationship without an explanation. They will sabotage their success in school, art or sports. All this arises from watching mom and dad in constant conflict and the child’s emotional development is hindered.

Chronic Tension and Fear

No one likes to be in a room where two people are constantly fighting or not getting along. Even though a child is watching an external situation, the tension of the toxic relationship becomes an internalized issue. Some may never overcome the anxiety and fear that comes from growing up in a toxic relationship environment.

Children who experience chronic tension and fear will develop other neurotic tendencies, mental illness, and physical ailments. The most common effects of a bad relationship on kids are depression, chronic fatigue, despair, anxiety attacks and aggression.

Mood and Psychological Problems

Left untreated, chronic issues resulting from living in a toxic relationship will lead to other issues that can include mood disorders such as dysthymia. Dysthymia is a disorder where children (later adults) experience both highs and lows. It is similar to bipolar disorder but of a lesser degree.

Many children coming out of these types of situations will also turn to drugs, alcohol or sex abuse to find an escape. Some children may start cutting or potentially have suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

Reducing the Impact of Toxic Relationships on Kids

Reducing the impact of toxic relationships on kids starts with getting them out of a bad situation followed by the right type of support and counseling. Parents need to decide what the true cost of staying together is for their children in the long run.

Getting Out of the Toxic Relationship

Protecting your children is a top priority for moms. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, understand that you have options that will make everyone healthier. Some moms feel that if they aren’t in a physically abusive relationship, they should stick it out. This couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

If you are getting yelled at, belittled, controlled, or otherwise emotionally abused you need to get out not just for you but also for your children. Both you and your children will be able to take a breath and regain the ability to see what healthy relationships are. It may take time and you will likely need some help.

Counseling For You And The Kids

If you are in or just got out of a toxic relationship, family counseling is a good idea. You can get counseling for you and your kids or, if resources allow for it, getting individual therapy may help you and your children have the space to really explore your feelings and develop new ways of thinking.

Support groups are another way to work through some of the daily issues you experience once you break free from a toxic relationship. Having a place where other single moms with similar experiences hang out and chat is a great way to build your network and support system. Knowing others have been where you are at and emerged on the other side is very empowering. Laugh, cry, vent and hug. A support group is a perfect place for you and your children to grow and get back to living in a positive and healthy way.

Looking for a safe space to make new friends? Check out the Single Mommy Tribe private Facebook Group.

man and woman sitting on opposite park bench sides breaking up

9 Reasons We Stay In Toxic Relationships

June 9, 2019/3 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

The question always arises whenever anyone sees a woman in a toxic relationship: why do you stay in a toxic relationship if you are unhappy? Unfortunately, the answer to the question of why we stay in toxic relationships is not as clear cut. Women remain in harmful, toxic relationships for a variety of reasons including fear or their partner, fear of the unknown, a desire to protect their children, and learned helplessness.

Mental health professionals often try to address both the fear and the self-worth issues a woman faces when trying to break free of a toxic relationship. Friends work hard to not only empower someone to leave, but provide a sense of safety. However, many women stuck in a toxic relationship feel isolated and alone, unsure about what the first step is and the resources available to them.

Toxic relationships can be mentally and physically abusive or could be something that holds a person back from finding true happiness, leading to despair or depression. Toxic relationships can happen with any friend or family member but are most damaging when they are a significant other who you have built a life with. Toxic relationship rob you of the emotional energy and strength to tackle life’s little problems let alone the major things that inevitably occur in life.

Here are nine reasons we stay in toxic relationships:

1. We Are Afraid Our Partner will retaliate

Fear of retaliation is a big reason women stay in a toxic and even abusive relationship. Women fear not just for their own safety, but for the safety of their children and other loved ones. Someone in an abusive relationship often protects their abuser even after being admitted in an emergency room to get treatment from wounds they received from them.

Threats and abusive actions give many women enough reason to think that they have no other choice but to stay and appease their abuser. The hope is to keep them at bay and not antagonize the situations to a point where the abuser will snap and go far more extreme than they already have. If you are in this type of a situation, there is help. Organizations such as Doorways in Virginia will help you find a safe place to stay and regain control of your life.

2. Being With Someone is Better Than Being Alone

No one wants to be alone and this can mean that we sometimes choose a bad situation rather than be alone. This was certainly a big factor to how I got into a bad relationship; 9-11 had just happened and I realized that there was more to life than career ambition and monetary goals. Because I was coming from a fearful state, I found myself easily swayed into a relationship by someone I previously rejected.

If you don’t feel that there is anyone else out there for you or anyone better than what you have, staying put seems like a good option. After all, why not wait until you have better prospects before venturing out on your own. However, your relationship isn’t a job that you should keep until you get a better offer. Staying in a toxic relationship because you are afraid to be alone or don’t have better prospects saps your energy and often your identity preventing you from finding your next better prospect.

3. The Unknown Is Scarier

The fear of the unknown is enough to keep many people stuck in life paralysis. There is no fight or flight activity but instead sitting to wait for someone to rescue you or God to take you. Seriously, the fear of the unknown means that things could be worse after you leave and this might have indeed been the “best you could ever hope for.”

Our brain is hardwired to protect us and if it can’t perceive something as being a better alternative, it will choose the survival mode for the current situation. You must find a way to override your mind to see that there is something bigger and better out there waiting.

4. Protecting Our Children is the Priority

Staying together for the kids is a big component of why women stay in a toxic relationship. Most of us look at our children and remember the promise we made to them when they were born (maybe even in our womb). A promise to do right by them and protect them is a common promise moms make and fear that they are breaking it if they leave.

The truth is that by staying in a toxic relationship, we encourage our children to continue the negative cycle of a dysfunctional relationship. They see us stay and start to believe that toxic is normal. Sons will develop unhealthy relationships with women and men. Daughters will not know that they can expect to be treated with love, respect, and kindness by men. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship teaches by example without any other input.

Realize that you can change how you keep that promise to do right by your children and protect them. Taking a leap to break out on your own and rebuild your life is a lesson sons and daughters can take many positive things from.

5. We Are Accustomed To Being Treated Badly

Learned helplessness is often one of the primary reasons women can get themselves to make a move out of a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Learned helplessness is a psychological condition created through trauma that leaves a person feeling powerless. It often leads to depression and low self-esteem.

Trauma in a relationship could come from a variety of situations such as physical abuse, the death of a loved one, unexpected pregnancy, an abortion, or another emotionally scarring event. Even if your partner is not responsible for the traumatic event, say for example if a woman has a miscarriage, his attitude and perhaps even manipulation of the situation compounds negative feelings. Learned helplessness can happen over extended periods of time but doesn’t always.

6. Unworthiness Overrides Our Desires for Joy

If we don’t see ourselves as worthy or having value, being confident or courageous to leave will be difficult. Women with worthiness issues are likely to be drawn into a toxic relationship that only sucks what little confidence and worth they have. When you are already criticizing yourself and allowing your self-talk to beat you down, taking it from someone else is a pretty simple transition.

Ultimately, until we can believe that we are worth someone being kind and caring to us, giving us compliments and doing nice things for us, we are not going to leave. It starts with changing our own self-talk.

7. Memories of Earlier Loving Ways

For many who were once deeply in love with their toxic partner, you may still have strong emotional feelings about that person. You think about the times early in the relationship when you became conditioned to associate this person with great feelings. There is a dissociation that happens between your current negative thoughts that should lead to negative feelings.

It’s understandable. You want the person you fell in love back or maybe you see moments that are glimmers of the way it used to be. If you still love your toxic partner, it will be hard to rationalize the negative things as being toxic. Often, women will justify things by saying, “No one is perfect. It’s just his way but he loves me.”

8. Manipulation of Our Emotions

When a toxic partner senses or is told that you are leaving, many types of manipulation is often employed to keep you. Manipulation can start with minor things such as emotional manipulation that could include public and private demeaning, belittling, and threatening actions. Your partner may take to social media with a picture that shames you to friends and family. Physical manipulation includes withholding affection or sex.

9. Don’t Know How

It’s a big step to leave a toxic relationship. Many women find themselves not sure what to do first after being with their partner for years, if not decades. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding work or child care. Sometimes women just don’t know how to overcome the emotions of taking that first step.

Moving Day: The Big Step

Having gone through this myself, I remember the day that I left with the million little details that happened. It’s like a movie that will never be erased in my mind. While I had finally gotten myself to a point of action, the entire day was wrought with fear, uncertainty and doubt.

I had one friend who could help me the day before I left to gather things and a friend to watch my son the day of. The actual move was my burden to bear, in part because I couldn’t muster the courage to ask anyone to be in a confrontational situation with me. The day ended with my completed exhausted in every manner: physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

But, when I got the kitchen unpacked the next day and made my son his first meal in our new home, a new sense of self emerged. There was pride, that no matter how tiny and simple our home was, it was ours. It was the start of me becoming the mother in a new way; being emotionally free to love.

Get Yourself Ready To Get Out

Maybe you want to leave; maybe you know you need to or want to help a friend find security, safety and joy. It starts with doing the work that will help you realize that you are going to be safe and okay. That first step may be the most difficult thing you ever do, but once you are standing on your own two feet in your own space, you will realize just how capable you are.

Learn to take control back over your life with the book, Stay At Home Single Mom today!

When Family Traditions Become a Burden: Single Mom Struggles

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Home Life, Parenting /by kimberlee

When Family Traditions Become a Burden: Single Mom Struggles

Family traditions mean different things to people. Traditions can be events, projects, crafts, stories or just a certain dish on a special holiday. Family traditions are important in building stronger relationships among family members of different generations. But, keeping family traditions when far away from family or as a single mom can become a burden.

When parents split, children are faced with two homes that often do things differently. Holidays and events are shared or alternated giving little opportunity to maintain consistent family traditions. I remember making a Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesdays in years my son was at his father’s for the holiday. It was my way to spend quality time with him and let him enjoy the recipes of my childhood.

A Different Mardi Gras Tradition

Mardi Gras isn’t celebrated the same in Hawaii as it is elsewhere. In Hawaii, Fat Tuesday is known as Malasadas Day. The malasada is a Portuguese doughnut, heavy on yeast and eggs, deep fried and coated with sugar. Modern twists to this recipe have cinnamon-sugar coatings as well as custard, chocolate and coconut fillings.

As a child, Malasadas Day was a day of excitement and pride for me. Growing up in a Portuguese family in Hawaii meant this was a day where we really got to share our culture and aloha spirit. Grandma would start the dough the night before, wake to pound it in the middle of the night and start cooking the malasadas around 5:30 am. Living just a few minutes away, my brother and I were able to get up early before school and help.

The job of the malasada sugar-coater was important. You needed to toss them in the sugar without crushing them. The reward: first taste of the delicious treat, still hot from the oil. The thought of the hot, soft dough mixed with a little crunch of the sweet sugar still makes my mouth water.

Growing Up and Moving Away

It is more and more common for children to grow up, go off to school and move away from their hometown. This was true for me and many of my friends growing up. Hawaii is a small state with limited resources and jobs. Many of us could simply do better leaving the state. It isn’t easy to make a weekend trip back to the islands; a flight is approximately five hours and costly.

This means traditions risk dying. I was living in California with a roommate from Hawaii the first time I tried making Grandma’s malasadas recipe. It’s a chore and leaves a mess or dough and sugar in kitchen crevices you didn’t realize you got close to. Up before work to make a few dozen to share with co-workers and friends became my tradition.

As Family Traditions Slowly Fade

Family traditions such as Malasadas Day can fade away as those who are the architects stop doing them. Over time, my grandmother got older, the family and friends who would normally share the doughnuts weren’t around and she stopped making them. I was glad I had started. It’s a thread to my childhood as well as a link to our family heritage. I’m the 4^th generation of my family to be born in the islands. In the world of DNA testing to determine your origins, I feel blessed to have a very clear picture of my family history dating back to the late 1400s in Portugal.

New Family Traditions

Getting married and having my son in California offered the opportunity to start many new traditions, some blended traditions between two backgrounds and some just new ways of doing things. Putting your mark on your own family traditions is important, too, especially if you are far away from the original rituals.

It was always important for me to make sure my son understood our heritage. We’ve visited the Hawaii’s Plantation Village, doing almost a Where’s Waldo trying to find the picture of my Grandfather on the walls talking about the plantation’s labor rise. We toured the homes that show how the different immigrants and plantation workers lived: the Filipino homes set differently than the Portuguese and Japanese. It shows the diverse culture that has become the cornerstone for Hawaii’s diversity.

Making Malasadas on Fat Tuesday

When he was in elementary school in California, my Malasadas Day tradition grew. They had Mardi Gras parties at school; it was a natural way for me to help him share his own history and tradition, rooted in a Portuguese plantation family in the islands. Even my own family laughs and says that I’m crazy for doing this every year. The amount of time I’ll spend in the kitchen the night before and early in the morning to make the doughnuts is akin to preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.

Then I remember, my glee as a child running into my grandparents’ home before the crack of dawn to get my place by the sugar pan. There are fewer memories that give me as much joy as Malasadas Day. In fact, mastering the many recipes of my family has been my passion for the past five or six years. Now that we are back in the islands, I get Grandma’s taste of approval to know I’ve done it right.

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Why Take On Extra Work to Keep Family Traditions

Here in Hawaii, you can buy Malasadas easily. I happen to share the name with the bakery known world-wide for it, Leonard’s Bakery (no relation). It isn’t the same as making them. I’ll likely have no help from my teenage son but he’ll enjoy the rewards. Mom and Grandma will as well. It will give everyone in the family reason to talk, reminisce and bond.

That is the true reason we take the time and do the work to keep family traditions. I don’t know where the tradition goes in the next generation. It’s not for me to force the tradition into the next chapter of our family history. But I do feel it is my role to facilitate keeping the traditions that I loved as a child and my family worked so hard to keep and share.

Finding Your Own Traditions

Malasadas Day is a big day around here. Family traditions don’t have to revolve around holidays or big events. Reading to your child at bedtime is a tradition they will remember and value. My son and I used to go from the book to an adlib story about one of his stuffed animals. It was silly and fun, sparked creativity and is remembered to this day, long after he has outgrown his “stuffy days.”

Sundays at the beach or a local park with friends are simple traditions that provide security and consistency for kids. I think they also provide some security and consistency for us parents. As a single mom, there have been a lot of different things that uprooted normal big holiday traditions. It’s hard when you alternate holidays. It’s always been the little things that help ground me as a mom, feeling like I’m providing my son the same level of lifestyle blessings I felt as a child.

That is the reason I spend the time and overcome the burden of keeping family traditions.

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Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

There are a few days every year that really make you feel single. No doubt that the biggest culprit is Valentine’s Day. To make our single souls feel better, someone decided to dub the day of love as Single’s Awareness Day. Are you serious? If there is any day that should not be used to celebrate the strength of solo men and women everywhere, it is the day after Valentine’s Day.

Go ahead and call my Cupid’s Scrooge. It’s okay. I’ll wear that badge with pride because you can’t make a pie out of cow patties and call it old fashioned apple pie. Nope, nope and nope.

The Delusion of Singles Awareness Day

First of all, no one can decide if you celebrate this holiday on Valentine’s Day to spite all in love or party it up the next day. Seriously people. Are we that delusional that we need to pretend that Valentine’s Day is something other than the day of love?

Where teenage girls get giddy because that boy kissed her.

Where newlyweds burn everything while making that dinner where the thought that counts and they weren’t really going to eat the food anyways.

Where couples who have 50 years together find that one special chocolate candy the other has always loved.

We should be celebrating love and look for all the places we have it in our lives. Don’t all those mindset coaches tell us to put out there what we want to attract? Well if we celebrate being alone, isn’t that what we will attract? Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem embracing my strength as a single mom. Been doing it for 14+ years and am in no rush.

But to fall in love…. I’ll hold on to that dream.

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Admit It: You Are Alone

You won’t find me out with all my other single girlfriends throwing some grand party celebrating our independence on Valentine’s Day. I’ll be home, having another average dinner with my son wondering if he got asked by anyone to be her Valentine. Not that he would admit it, but it’s nice to think he did.

I don’t want to dilute Valentine’s Day. If I went out, it would be one great big reminder that everyone around us was in love, pretending to be in love or hoping love would spark through this romantic evening. As the hopeless romantic that I still dream about becoming, I don’t want to be the person accidentally sending side-eyed glances in disdain to the happy couple next to me.

Yes, I Said I’m a Hopeless Romantic

Don’t let the rumors hit you in the butt on the way out. I don’t want to celebrate being single on Valentine’s Day. And I don’t want to be around everyone in love either. I want to be home, watching sappy love stories on television after dinner – yes, I’ll probably get some indulgent dessert. I want to dream that love is still possible even for a curmudgeon like me.

There is no question that my return trip to the world of the living lovers has stalled. In fact, it could probably use a tow to the nearest single’s bar. After a divorce, single moms often make tough choices. For me, it was refraining from the dating scene until I got my own life together again and wasn’t concerned with falling into the shit-storm I had when married. For that, I have no regrets.

My Valentine’s Day Mantra

You see, many single men and women watch others in love and think about the love they lost. They sit and ask themselves, “Why me? How did all this happen?” Anyone who knows even the superficial me knows I have no room for the victim mentality in my life. Yet, Valentine’s Day has me ponder, “Why not me?” It’s a subtle difference but one of curiosity, not victimization.

I’m not exactly ugly. I’ve got a great career. I’m smart and actually can make someone snarf a drink with a well-timed joke. Meaning I’m confident enough to say, “I’m not a total loser.” Just a moderate one… at least when it comes to love.

Why Vs Why Not

You see, thinking of things in terms of the why me mode is looking backward at what happened and the negative things that led to a void in my life right now. But when I think of why not me, I find myself reminded of the choices I have made to be a mom first, build a career second and then open myself to love whenever (as you can see, it hasn’t developed a strong plan).

One day with everyone else celebrating might be hard, but it doesn’t change my choices or my perspective. In fact, it gives me hope. Because I know that if I made one choice for certain reasons and succeeded in my goals, that making another choice and putting forth the energy will also yield to results.

Because I am smart … and funny … and successful … and a good mother. And overall, I think I’m a pretty good person who strives to build other people up and help them be better versions of who they want to be. Oh, and I’m not ugly.

Why Not Appreciate Singles’ Awareness Day?

Look, I am no one to judge anyone for finding a way to not be depressed on a day like Valentine’s Day. For those who are recently single, struggling to get over the deep emotional struggles, being around your best single pals can be empowering. I get it.

For me, I don’t want to change my hope and belief that Cupid, with those stinking flimsy little arrows of his, might do me a favor and rapid fire 50 at me to see what sticks. I don’t want to be so appreciative of being single that I forget to look for or be open to love.

Laugh, I know. For a girl who hasn’t seemed to care about dating or falling in love, just remember that I am a sappy romantic. who cries at Hallmark commercials and gets a little warm feeling when I see a 70-year-old man open the door for his wife with a little extra pep because he is happy and in love.

I’m not ashamed to say it. I’d love to be in love like that. And I don’t want to be too appreciative on Single’s Awareness Day that I don’t actively seek greater love in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day from this curmudgeon. If anyone needs an ear, I’m here. While I won’t make it about Single’s Awareness Day, I will always be willing to support those who need just someone to listen and laugh with.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

Most days, if the phrase, “moms raising boys” hits the news there either is a school shooting, reviews of gang violence or other youth violence. Troubled boys without a father-figure in their lives is often a primary topic of concern. Some call it an epidemic resulting from boys not having a dad or positive male role model in the picture. As a single mom of a son, my concerns are the same as any parent.

How do I raise a good child who becomes a healthy man capable of contributing to this world, being compassionate and at the same time strong in his own character with good manners and independence?

No matter whether you have a boy or girl and are a single mom or single dad, single-parent homes pose challenges.

The Role of Dads in Boys Upbringing

Fathers play an important role in the development of both boys and girls. When it comes to sons, fathers don’t just teach them about using tools, shaving or asking that first girl out on a date. Fathers set the tone for how men interact with other men, how they treat women and deal with adversity. The monkey see monkey do theory applies very strongly.

Most of what a boy learns from his father is unsaid. He observes traits, actions and thought patterns that either leads him to want to be just like his dad or nothing like his father. In recent decades, parental roles have shifted. Where female roles were primarily nurturing caregivers and male duties were providers and disciplinarians, parents today often seem to blend tasks and parental duties. Yet, boys still get something from fathers that they don’t get from the women in their live.

When Dad Isn’t Around or Isn’t a Positive Role Model

Just because we are moms and dads doesn’t make us great or even good parents. Raising children is hard. Having the strength and wisdom to be better every day, spending time with our children requires constant self-reflection. As it was once expressed to me, “the fact that someone cares enough to question whether they are doing right or wrong for their child elevates them as a parent.”

This happened to resonate with me (and make me feel better for all the mistakes I feel I constantly make as a single parent and as a mom in general). There was a point after my divorce that my son refused to go to his dad’s. School and police didn’t force the issue feeling my son had a compelling enough story he could articulate that was his reason for not going. I suggested to his father to go to family therapy to fix the rift between them.

Then it all started; weekly therapy sessions with my son and my ex-husband.

I have been accused by my ex over the years of trying to poison my son’s mind about his father. My relationship with my son is strong and it is none existent with his dad. My ex’s argument is out son has a mother and a father and that’s simply the way it is. He (my ex-husband) for years was intent on defending his rights but never once stopped to reflect on his actions.

One lesson I happen to recall from physics is that for every action there is a reaction.

Not Every Dad Should Be the Primary Male Role Model

There! I said it. Just being a dad doesn’t make you a great role model. I don’t deny biological fathers’ rights. Nor do I think this is exclusively a dad issues. There are lots of moms not well-suited to rear and raise children.

Anyone who knows me knows the value I place on family. At the same time, we need to recognize the people in our lives who might be toxic to our mental health. When it comes to my son and his father, I’ll always recognize my ex as my son’s father. At the same time, I don’t think every father (or parent) is good for their children.

Being Able to Teach Ourselves As We Go

Don’t read into that statement the bling I feel parents need to be perfect. I am far from perfect. With that said, I spend a lot of time reflecting on my actions, apologizing if I jumped the gun on something and consulting other parents and experts when I am uncertain about something. Refusing to recognize your impact to your child’s long-term mental health is a big problem.

That doesn’t mean being a single mom is the best answer but for me was a better one. The question becomes: how to give my son the male role models he craves in a healthy way?

Moms can’t be that masculine figure. Heck, I’m as tom-boy as they get but realize I cannot cultivate the masculine essence of a young man by myself. Single moms face serious challenges in this area. Male role models and mentors fill the gaps of what a home without a dad.

New Men in Mom’s Life

When single moms start dating, the male role model isn’t an automatic given. Boys if single moms become fiercely protective of their moms. They can resent a new man even if he is a great person. While they want Mom to be happy, they seem to always proceed with caution.

When my son was in elementary school. We started spending a lot of time at the municipal airport. He loved being in the hangar with the guys and was welcomed into the club. They robbed him, taught him about rebuilding and maintaining old warbirds. He talked story with WWII vets and occasionally had the chance to take a backseat.

He loved all the guys there and I moved that he had great role models. When one of the guys asked us out for Sunday brunch, my son was pretty savvy to what was going on. Even though he knew and really liked the guy, he became a human barrier between me and the proposed suitor. Did I say he knew and liked the guy? He just didn’t want anyone putting their mitts on his mom.

The Revolving Door

The other issue that arises when mom gets a new man in her life is the potential for that to be a revolving door. Let’s face it, we don’t always make the best decisions in love – there’s a reason we aren’t with our son’s father. Constantly exposing your son to the new guy leads to a host of issues. The instability often results in behavioral issues, emotional well-being and anxiety issues, as well as negatively effects cognitive achievement and function.

It’s better for a single mom to date discreetly until she is confident she has found someone worth pursuing with a long-term relationship. This can be hard when a single mom wants to balance everything with limited time and perhaps limited resources for child care.

Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms

A big question for society becomes where do boys of single moms get the proper guidance and comradery with adult male role models? I don’t know a single mom of a boy who doesn’t actively think about and seek out ways to get positive male influencers in his life. Finding male role models for kids of single moms often starts within your own network.

Family and Friends

Many single women can find great role models for their sons close to home. If your son is able to spend time with Grandpa or an uncle or adult cousin, these are often great ways to not just have your son spend time with someone as he develops his manhood, it also keeps the concept of family unity in place.

This isn’t always possible. In my case, my closest family was 2,300 miles away across the Pacific Ocean. Moving wasn’t an option at the time. I always felt great when spending time at a friends house with the kids and her husband would take my son to show him projects in the garage or offer to help with a school project. Not only did my son get to spend time with a great man, he also got to see how great dads interact with their children that is critical.

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Church and Youth Groups

Churches and youth groups including The Big Brother programs are great ways to not just meet more people and expand your single parenting network, the help kids find mentors and positive role models. Talk to the pastor or youth coordinator about finding a program your child will enjoy and be exposed to great male leaders.

Sports and Recreation Activities

Sports and recreation activities are probably the primary way single moms help their boys find positive role models. Coaches often push kids, help them establish discipline and keep them in check with manners. Coaches positively change the lives of kids every single day and it’s a great way to get some time to get dinner ready uninterrupted.

My son wasn’t really into sports. His aviation interest was his recreation and we were lucky to find a group that adopted us as their own. I had no aviation experience. People would ask why I spent entire weekends getting greasy and doing grunt work in a small hangar. It was to help earn my keep, really my son’s place in the crowd. Sure, he did his part and that was the deal. His interest was aviation and I was going to foster it any way I could.

The Lesson I Learned Because I Didn’t Over-Mother

He was 8-years-old when he started helping around the hangar. I’d actually dismiss myself when possible to not be the “mom” hanging around. I’d stay close in case there was a problem. After about an hour, my son came in totally ecstatic, “Mom, Stu gave me a job and I did the whole thing.” The job was to use a razor blade to scrape off old labels on a parts drawer and my son’s hands had more than one oops cut, though nothing major.

With a deep breath, I smiled, checked his hands and said, “Wow, what’s the next job?” I knew I would have never let my son fiddle with a razor at age 8. But, I also knew Stu had an eye on him. My son was as proud of himself as I had ever seen. It was a gut check for me. Men challenge young men to do masculine things, to step into manhood. I would have mothered him and found a safer task.

All I can recommend to other single moms is spend time with your sons and daughters. Learn what makes them tick and be open to knowing you can’t be everything for them. Find them mentors in things they love and they will find their role models naturally.

It’s still scary. I have a teenage son and am watching him get ready to leave the nest. But no one needs to feel like they are part of the epidemic. Our boys can thrive. We will make certain of that.

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silhouette of woman with fire behind her

Getting Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

April 13, 2019/6 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Personal /by kimberlee

Breaking up is hard to do under the best of circumstances. Getting out of an unhealthy relationship has internal dynamics that make is all the harder to end. Understanding what makes a relationship unhealthy helps the person leaving to identify the reasons they need to leave. Substance abuse, mental illness, emotional and physical abuse, and infidelity are signs that you are in a bad relationship and need to find a way out.

What Is an Unhealthy Relationship

There is not one thing that defines an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes personalities simply don’t mix and you aren’t happy; you feel like the relationship holds you down. More often than not, unhealthy relationships involve physical or emotional abuse, monetary control or social isolation (or all of them).

Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

There is a myriad of reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships. Often it can be a mixture of things that lead from one bad relationship to another. Until someone understands why they get in and stay in a bad relationship, the cycle continues. As a single mom, my goal is to break the cycle of my bad choices now that I’m out of the unhealthy relationship. That being said, it isn’t easy getting out.

I knew before my son was even born that our marriage wasn’t going to last. Yet, I was desperate to find a way to make it work. I wanted my son to have a cohesive family he could rely on. And even in the face of knowing it wasn’t going to happen, my pride didn’t want to admit how bad of a decision I had made. I stayed two years longer than was emotionally healthy for myself.

Here are some reasons we stay in unhealthy relationships:

Self-Worth and Satisfaction

One of the most prevalent is your personal set of standards, meaning someone can be satisfied with an unsatisfactory relationship. This often has to do with a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Comparing your life to others, it can be easy to say, “well I don’t deserve more than this.”

Abusive Conditioning and Fear

This feeling could also be the result of manipulation and emotional abuse. A man or woman could become convinced by an abusive partner that they aren’t deserving of someone better, that they are worthless and unlovable. Some trying to leaving an abusive relationship may fear a violent outburst from his or her partner.

Investment of Time or Money

Our personal ego can fight our own instincts to leave someone. We look at the time and money spent to build a relationship. It can be hard to determine when it is time to cut our losses and move on. This is where emotions and rational thinking don’t always mesh; our heart is telling us we aren’t happy but our mind is telling us that we should stick it out because we’ve been together for so long.

Children Are Involved

One of the hardest things to do is to leave when children are involved. There are a couple of reasons for this. The most common reason is keeping the children’s best interest at heart by not wanting them to have a split home. Other reasons are more fear-based: men may think they won’t have time with their kids while women may fear not being able to provide for the household on their own. Remember that there is an impact on kids when we stay in toxic relationships.

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The Difference Between Compromise and Sacrifice

Compromise is when two parties work together to find a middle ground; it means both are probably getting something and giving something. Sacrificing is giving up your needs and wants to give in to the other person. Continual sacrifice leads to a feeling of resentment and unfulfillment.

It’s often said that it takes two people to make a relationship work. It is also said that it takes two to make it fail. The latter statement can be a bit tricky. Two people compromising or deciding to split ways is a demonstration of two people making it work or not work. One person expecting the other to always make the sacrifice still technically involves two people but only one is really working on the relationship.

You are sacrificing if:

you are always giving and never getting anything in return.
nothing is ever enough to satisfy the other person.
the goal posts move every time you agree to your side of the compromise.

Sacrifice Can Be Subtle

It was apparent that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. The food I always had cooked and loved wasn’t healthy enough by his standards. When I changed the entire menu according to his wishes, he never ate it and complained that I never cooked. One of the many ways in which I thought I was making a compromise to make things work. In my mind, it was a small change to make so our family could enjoy a meal together.

Finally separated, I was able to inventory all the things I loved that I changed or got rid of. Everything from how I cooked, favorite artwork and even relocating my dog. I also lost count of the number of times he told me he “didn’t need to compromise.” There were two in the marriage with only one trying to work things out.

Knowing When It’s Time to Leave

At some point, a person needs to know when it is time to leave. It will never feel right or feel good because you do have emotional ties to the person, the relationship and the situation. You may be afraid that making the leap will lead to something worse than where you are at. Often, people know it’s time and still stay mustering the courage and developing the plan to do so.

The moment you realize it is time to leave can be the most terrifying moment you ever face. You’re in a bad relationship, maybe physically or emotionally abusive. Changing the status quo can set a chain reaction of things. But, you have to recognize that time has come.

Here are some things to consider the time to get out of a bad relationship:

Walking on eggshells is the new normal, even for the kids, so as to not upset your partner
Friends no longer want to meet at your home or have couples’ nights out
Sex life is unsatisfying or non-existent
Fear is the predominant feeling
Money is completely controlled by the other party
Memories of why you are together are hard to find
Sleeping, eating and exercise habits become unhealthy

Everyone’s list is unique. The patterns of an unhealthy relationship are different for everyone. It’s important to know that while you may feel stuck, you aren’t. You have the opportunity to make a change for the better.

Have a Plan to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship

Take the time to create a plan for leaving. Obviously, if you are in physical danger, time is not on your side. You need to get out and find a friend, family member or shelter that can help. In most other situations, simply getting up and walking out rarely puts you in a position of personal strength – personal strength is everything you need when leaving.

Start with a trusted support network. Figure out the money; save somewhere you can. Line up employment if you don’t already work. Find a place stay, whether with a friend or renting somewhere on your own. Check on how benefits work if you will need them to get you through the initial phase of break off. That’s what this is, breaking off, not breaking up. You need to cut the emotional ties and physical dependency while keeping the rest of you intact.

Go Time

Take a deep breath and consider what you are doing. There will be so many triggers pulling you back to staying if even for the comfort of just not creating conflict. Get a friend to help you, support you through it. If you make plans you can’t change, it helps. Hire movers or sign the contract for a new lease.

When I knew it was time, I went out and looked for a place to live. I found a small house in a community I felt safe in. The lease was signed, deposit paid and movers hired. There were two locations I needed to deal with: our home and our ranch where most of my things had been put in storage because he didn’t like them. My plan was to have my son go to a playdate while I met the movers at the ranch to take care of that then swing by and get the essentials from the home. A friend met me the day before to help me gather my things at the ranch so we could be in and out as quickly as possible.

So much for trusted allies. He came home that night with a sudden urgency to go to the ranch on a weeknight when it was always a weekend home. When the movers and I arrived, he had unpacked things to go through them, taken what he felt was his and harassed the movers with a video camera in their face the entire time. Nothing about that day was easy but the moment I laid in my new home, with my son cuddled up next to me, I knew I had taken the first step to regain control of my life.

Recovering from an Unhealthy Relationship

It takes time to untangle the emotions after breaking away from an unhealthy relationship. People react differently. Some get out and enjoy freedom while others stay at home, suffering in silence. Extremes of either option aren’t good. Make time to spend with friends and family but don’t be afraid to sit down and feel. Figure out who you are again.

Kids will have their own struggles. It’s important that you don’t get so stuck in your own healing that you forget about the pain or confusion your children might be feeling. Yes, kids are resilient but they still experience stress when mommy and daddy split.

Shortly before I moved out, I had taken my son to the pediatrician. In the visit, I explained to the doctor that his father and I were separating and was there anything I should expect. His words were prophetic, “He’ll feel like things are out of control so he’ll hold on to what he can control. His bladder.” My son was a toddler and just starting pottie training that quickly stopped by toddler refusal when we moved out. When I followed up with the pediatrician, he laughed, “Don’t worry, it will work itself out. I promise he won’t be going to college in a diaper.”

Not Making the Same Mistakes Again

It’s easy to say, “I’m never going to let that happen to me again.” You’ve left because you saw the need, felt the negativity and broke away. Clarity is a nice thing. Then come the loneliness and the stress. Being a single mom or single dad isn’t easy; it’s nice to have someone around to talk to, to help, to keep guard of the bathroom door for an indulgent bath alone. All those feelings are natural and normal.

No one can predict how long it will take to recover or how long it should take to jump back into the dating world. Some people are better about just going out and dating casually than others. I’ve never been good at casual dating so for me, it has been a very cautious road of who I let into my life and into my son’s. The work to heal takes time and requires digging into all the icky stuff that makes us feel ashamed or embarrassed for our previous decisions. You have to do that work to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Otherwise, the cycle continues.

We’re here to help. Join our free secret Facebook support group, Single Mommy Tribe. We’re here to celebrate your success, listen to the venting and provide resources to help you move ahead in your life.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

Finding Your Single Mom Tribe: The Right Support Group

April 13, 2019/1 Comment/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Finding Your Single Mom Tribe: The Right Support Group

Cheers was the record-breaking sitcom of the 80s and early 90s because it touched on what every single person wants: a place to belong. Your tribe accepts you, all of you. The hysterical laughter, the urgent crises and the ugly cries are all greeted with hugs, wine and lasting conversation. When you find the right single mom tribe, you know you are home.

But, finding your tribe as a single mom can be difficult as old friends just don’t have the space for the single lady among their couples’ nights or may take sides in the divorce equation. Taking the time to find the right support group is a game changer for single moms trying to rebuild their lives.

Looking for your single mom tribe? Consider these tips:

Deliberately Think About Who You Want and Need in Your Life

Think about the type of people you want in your life. Obviously, previous choices didn’t work out but don’t let emotional turmoil or confidence issues dictate the new people you bring into your life. This goes well beyond new love interests. For both your sake and your children’s, you must bring in people who lift you up, enhance your life and provide emotional support.

I can’t think of any other time in my life that felt as lonely as the first few years as a single mom. What made it so difficult is I felt that I should be stronger than succumbing to the problems associated with a man and my divorce. Isolation is an easy answer, but that really didn’t solve the problem. I needed people in my life and in my son’s life.

Find Like-Minded Moms That You Connect With

Seek out groups and people who share your core values. That doesn’t mean they need to think exactly like you on every subject; healthy disagreements are essential for growth. Look at the forest, not the trees when finding a tribe. You’ve already got enough on your plate. You don’t need to be banging your head against the wall with every conversation trying to explain yourself.

Crunchy moms might not do so well in a tribe of silky moms. The hiking tribe might be a bit different than the tennis club tribe. That isn’t to say you can’t be part of both or fit into very diverse categories, but don’t feel like you need to make yourself fit in.

I found my tribe when I became the PTA president of my son’s elementary school. The women I met inspired me. Some were single but most were happily married. We all had one thing in common: improving the lives of our kids. We volunteered together, had playdates together, had mom’s nights together. These women saved me in every way, many of which they will never know.

Desire to Be Challenged by Your Tribe to Grow

Moving on after divorce puts many challenges in front of us. It can seem odd to seek people who challenge you. Don’t overlook the value of a tribe that makes you think, forces you to consider and reconsider your actions. A great tribe does this in a way that makes you feel secure and loved the entire time.

It’s like challenging your children to step up and be better people. It comes from a place of love and is for the best. People who just “yes” you all the time aren’t really there to help you. You want friends and a tribe that calls you out for making bad decisions and tells you when you are wrong – especially when it comes to moving on.

I was lucky to find an online tribe of people overcoming divorce. It wasn’t strictly moms and had a very diverse age group. The wisdom of that group was seeded in the fact that some people were new on the path while others were farther down the road. Having a group that would listen when I needed to vent and then lovingly give me a reality check helped me take the next steps to healing and growth in your family life.

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Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Meeting new people is never easy. Having to meet people while going through a very emotionally tumultuous time only makes it harder. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You need to step out of your comfort zone to avoid falling into the isolation trap. Even if you find a single mom support group that meets your needs, it can be scary to share yourself.

Lissa Rankin, MD points out that her, “ego had created this separation story that distanced [her] from the very belonging [she] craved.” We all have a preconceived picture of ourselves in our heads. Divorce can shatter or skew that extensively. Until we take out ego out of the picture, we will continue to struggle to find our tribe.

Don’t Worry About Kids’ Ages in the Tribe

Kids are funny when it comes to kids that aren’t their age. As parents and single moms, we want a group of people that mirror us. That doesn’t happen and your kids will be fine without it. Older kids often love being a big brother to smaller ones while the littles love to try to keep up. This isn’t always the case but it is good for your children to interact with other kids that can relate to their own feelings of isolation.

Through the PTA, my son met kids from all grade levels and was forced to work with them as the moms were working on volunteer tasks and activities. There were times all the kids hated being at school on non-school days, but for the most part, friendships formed. My son started thinking about activities we did and asking to invite PTA kids to do things with us.

Join Non-Mom Activities

While it is great to find a tribe that fits your everyday mom-lifestyle perfectly, this might not be what happens. In fact, you might have people who totally fit your tribe-mojo in unusual places. If there is something you always wanted to try, go for it. Even without experience, go for it. A new hobby or sports activity can yield to great connections.

You might join a gardening group, a book club or take a Salsa dance class. Mixing up your activities allows you to expand your support group as well. While I had my PTA moms as a core part of my tribe, I also spent time learning beadwork and jewelry making. It was a creative outlet that had nothing to do with being a mom or a single mom that made me feel like I was just another person in a class of women.

In-Person Versus Online Tribes

Many single moms find the greatest amount of support from people they may never meet in real life. The internet has opened up the world of interaction and helps more people find the right support. With that being said, don’t rely exclusively on online support groups. They are fantastic for finding your tribe who can collectively provide support, answers and advice. At the same time, making an online tribe your only tribe will lead to more isolation.

I’m still friends with many who were part of my original online tribe. This was before Facebook Groups become a thing and there were “forums” people went to. I’ve met some of the men and women from my old forum and still consider many friends and key influencers in my inner tribe.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve created the Single Mommy Tribe. A private support group with resources, advice and experience of others. No mom should ever feel alone because the truth is, you aren’t alone. Even those who remarry and move past being a single mom still feel a connection to those who are and are welcomed into the group to help show the rest of us that life gets better when we work on ourselves to heal.

I hope you find a tribe in your social circles and I encourage you to join the Single Mommy Tribe. You’re welcome here.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.