10 Things You Must Look for in Your Next Relationship

April 11, 2020/0 Comments/in Dating, Personal /by kimberlee

So, you think you’re ready to get out and start dating again. Obviously, you aren’t going to rush headlong into anything. While it may be enticing to get into a relationship again, there are many traps you can fall into if you aren’t truly ready.

No one wants to waste their time or energy getting into a dead-end relationship, let alone inviting someone into your life (and your children’s lives) who’s not going to contribute or may turn out to be toxic. This person is going to be around your kids and consume some of your time and energy. So what should you be on the lookout for?

When you think you’re ready to find someone new, there are plenty of things to avoid. Here are some things to look for:

1. A Fully-Fledged Adult

When you’re ready to start a new relationship, make sure you’ve found a man and not a man-child. You don’t need someone else to take care of, so make sure your man can take care of himself—maybe even [gasp] share responsibilities.

The risk: Failure to avoid this red flag will result in another person to care for who you can’t claim as a dependent.

2. He’s Understanding

If you’re a single mom and looking to find a new relationship, do yourself a favor and find someone who’s not demanding over your time. Between kids, work, and life in general, things come up. You want someone who understands and isn’t going to be callous or jealous because he’s not your everything. He should also recognize the value you get from time with your friends, even if he’s not included.

The risk: Find someone who isn’t understanding and you may find him constantly arguing about the time you spend on your kids. Or, you may have to defend girl time.

3. No Deadbeats

This shouldn’t require an explanation besides: Because, why would you? You want someone who contributes to your household and your overall well-being. If he spends 18 hours a day on the couch playing video games, take a pass.

The risk: Self-explanatory.

4. He Values Self-care

As a mom, you’ve probably found little things that drastically improve your mental health. Whether it’s a nice book in a warm bath or the indulgence of a monthly massage, we all have things that keep us sane. Your new man may not have things as overt as these, but he should at least understand the concept of self-care. Bonus points if you have things you can occasionally enjoy together.

The risk: Don’t let him co-opt your self-care. He should be happy when he’s invited and not upset if he isn’t.

5. He Can Read the Room

Young or immature guys are often just looking for an excuse to let loose or make a joke of anything. As a mom, you know there’s a time for fun but every hour can’t be a happy hour. Make sure your new guy knows when to have fun and also when to tone it down. He doesn’t need to be overly strict or disciplined, but he should at least be able to follow your lead.

The risk: Undermining you with your kids or having keggers after rough days at work.

6. He Doesn’t Push for More than You’re Ready For

Every single mom has war stories. We’ve all been through a lot. It could be war stories from divorce, custody horror stories, or just emotional toxicity from previous relationships. But that means we all move at a different pace. If your new guy is a good one, he’ll understand this and be perfectly happy moving at your speed. This includes meeting your kids and [eventually] digging into the battle scars of divorce or separation when you’re ready.

The risk: Every date becomes a forced therapy session.

7. He Knows What he Wants

Your new love interest should know it may take him a while to get where he wants to be, but he should still have clear goals and objectives. This goes for both his personal and professional life.

The risk: He ends up relying on you to set his sails or, worse yet, serve as his career coach.

8. He Has His Own Experiences

You want someone who has a personality; someone who has his own perspective. That he’s developed. On his own. Don’t get sucked into a relationship black hole with a man who defines himself by the relationship he’s in. That’s not a partner.

The risk: Your relationship becomes a series of funhouse mirrors.

9. He Cares about you AND Your Kid

Dating with kids can be tricky. You don’t want to be with someone who sees your kid(s) as an annoyance. But, you also don’t want to be with someone who just thinks he’s there to babysit. You want someone who wants to be with YOU and is all of the things you want to be for your kid: supportive, caring, teaching, fun, strict when necessary, a mentor.

The risk: They become your kid’s best friend and you’re the third wheel in your own relationship.

10. His Pace Matches Yours

How quickly you move in a relationship is one thing, but it’s also important to recognize that people have different lifestyles. Some people are active; others are more sedentary. The bottom line here is that you don’t want to be dragging your new man off to do things, nor do you want him forcing you to stay in when you’d rather be outside. When you’re getting to know each other, make sure you have similar lifestyles; or, similar enough, anyway.

The risk: You accidentally turn into a hermit.

Wrapping up

If you think you’re ready to get back on there and start dating again, you probably are. And, don’t worry: you got this. Everything we’ve outlined here, you already know. But, hopefully, this reminder will help you see the red flags faster, so you can enjoy your time with your next special someone.

How to Make a Singles’ Valentine’s Day Not Suck

February 10, 2020/0 Comments/in Dating, Personal /by kimberlee

Oh crap! It’s that week where there are hearts everywhere and guys and girls planning special moments for Valentine’s Day. This year is even worse than most since Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday, making romantic late nights even more feasible. Gag!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m just a bit jaded this year. For years I’ve been focused on being a mom, getting work done, and getting to bed early. For whatever reason, for years I’ve been able to put on blinders to this day of love not even needing to rely on single mom nights out to get me through it.

This year needs to be different. I’m about to be an empty-nester, have hit mid-life crisis mode, and really need a break from work – so don’t expect me to dive in to distract myself.

Are you single and looking to not gag this year with all the red and pink everywhere? I got you covered!

Here are 5 things to do to make your singles Valentine’s Day not suck (so badly).

Make It a Dog Day

Face it, you were dating a dog and you are free now. The best thing you can do is stop projecting your love of furbabies with the love of a man. Remember that a dog is the only one who loves you more than he loves himself. Sure, certain things can’t be satisfied, but there are other solutions for that.

Don’t Do Wine If You’re a Crier

Everyone responds to alcohol differently. Some of us get giddy, others fall asleep, and then there are those of us who start to sob as we drunkenly realize everything we want is everything we don’t have. Before you think a bottle of wine with your favorite rom-com is the way to spend a solo Valentine’s Day, let me remind you that you will still wake up Saturday morning alone. If you’re a crier, you’ll need a different solution.

Stay Away From “Those” Places

You know the places I’m talking about – where you used to go with your ex. It may be one of your favorite places with the best food and you might be going with your besties, but on Valentine’s Day this is pouring whisky on a papercut. It’s just not a good idea. Get over those memories any other day of the year, unless, of course, you are looking to shock your system to hasten the healing process. In that case, go and enjoy your sadistic self.

Don’t Go On a Dating Site for the Week

Seriously! If you’re there, you have some unrealistic romantic notion that he will magically appear and take you on some dreamy date. You and I both know that both of you are just looking to not be alone and ideally get laid thanks to loneliness. Take the week off – those messages will still be there next week. This is not the week to try to find Mr. Right because you’ll be sitting next to him and his newly engaged Miss Right at the restaurant as you sit on some awkward date that you shouldn’t have said yes to.

Embrace the Suck

That is my son’s phrase, coined while doing a mud run-like competition for his JROTC team. I think he’s on to something. No matter what you do, you’ll likely be alone and if you still aren’t comfortable with this fact, just about anything you see or hear on Valentine’s Day will trigger that. Embrace the suck means you acknowledge that things are hard and may hurt but you still put one foot in front of the other, try to find the small things to smile about, and patiently wait for February 15th to roll around.

I’m in this boat with you this year. For the first time in a long time, I’m sad to not have someone to share the evening with. Yes, I’ll be with some girlfriends and I’m sure we will have a blast. The reality is the lead up is what can make this so hard.

We’re in this together so drop me a comment about your plans. And if you need a little extra support, check out the Single Mommy Tribe on Facebook. We are some cool women who will do everything we can to make you laugh on this very difficult day.

Single Mommy Dating Struggles

December 21, 2019/0 Comments/in Dating, Divorce, Personal /by kimberlee

Being a single mother navigating the world of single men is not an easy task. Dating, in general, is hard enough, but add to the mix your kids, their kids, and all that extra baggage of ex-spouses and you have a firework ready to pop. I’ve been single a long time, way too long to be honest, but for all the years I’ve been alone I haven’t been willing to change my deal breakers and how I choose a potential partner.

Most people don’t wait so long to get back in the saddle and find a boyfriend or girlfriend. At the same time, I know I’m not alone in choosing the road of raising children first and finding love later. If the time has come to be serious about finding a serious relationship, you really do need to be committed to trying. But what really goes into finding a someone ready for a committed relationship seeking a true life partner? Let’s delve into the world of single mommy dating…

Swipe Left or Right?

Unfortunately, dating has become a fast-food menu option – heck even fast food takes longer than the time most people spend on a dating profile. While meeting someone at a bar often starts with a physical attraction, there is also the opportunity to just have a conversation with people sitting near you. You get a flavor of their voice, their humor, even their intelligence, and interests. What football team they are cheering for if cheering at all.

But online dating profiles are strictly based on looks. Swipe right or left is purely a physical attraction. It’s the same for women and men. Like what you see and swipe right. Vice versa if you don’t like what you see. This is before you even get a sense of who they are. We’ve always hated that dating is marred with judgment on superficial traits, after all, isn’t it about being beautiful on the inside? Yet, we keep speeding up the process more and more.

For years, I’ve tried online dating in my search through potential partners. It’s been a painful process to say the least. Even the few times I thought I had a connection with someone and we were set to meet, they somehow found someone else at the last minute that was just quicker to the draw (or bed or whatever). It’s frustrating and demoralizing, to say the least.

Then you have to wonder if people are looking for a romantic partner or a significant other.

Romantic Partner Vs. Significant Other

Is there a difference between a romantic partner and a significant other? Some people might not think so while others will certainly say yes. This is part of the relationship value system you just don’t get to understand until you really get to know someone. The difference between the two is simple: romantic partners are fun to hop in the sack with and there is a lot of physical chemistry. A significant other is someone you can imagine raising children with and is much more than a great lay. While there are overlaps between the two: a romantic partner may be a great friend and a significant other is ideally someone you are physically attracted to, but we shouldn’t confuse the two when dating.

It doesn’t matter if you are doing the online dating thing, meeting people through friends, or picking up someone at a bar, look for signs that the person is ready for a serious relationship if that’s what you want and need. If you are a woman who wants a partner, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can give.

Signs that a man is ready for a committed relationship include:

He seeks to be around you
He doesn’t disappear for times
He talks about the future and makes plans with you
You can rely on him
He’s unguarded around you
You can be unguarded around him (yes, even the ugly cry is okay)
He listens and cares about what you say
He invites you to meet his family, friends, and do hobbies
He shares his passions

This isn’t an end-all list and certainly, there are some things that some men may never be good at. For example, some men need alone time and will take it. Vice versa, a single mother may always be a bit guarded – at least until there is a firm commitment. Everyone needs space and should be able to set healthy boundaries, but the more signs there are of a committed single man, the more confident you can be that he is serious about becoming a significant other and not just chatting before an interlude.

What Makes a Relationship Work

man and woman walking near Charleston building

While every relationship is different, time is precious and we need to understand what kind of relationship is healthy and meant for long-term thinking. The idea that there is one reason that is a magic secret sauce in a relationship is simply false. There are many things that become overarching themes in relationships that work.

Communication: Being able to communicate your wants, fears, feelings, desires, and needs are important and you also need to be able to hear and understand your partner’s. Successful married couples have strong communication skills.

Playfulness: A great relationship can make you feel like a child again because there is so much play happening. Being able to joke and be relaxed enough to be silly is a critical factor in many long-term relationships. When the play stops, it can mean something is wrong.

Interdependence: This means both individuals have their own identity but are able to work as a team and support each other in their lives whether married or not. Interdependence gives adults the best of independence and dependence on another human being.

Acknowledgment: Being able to say please and thank you for the little things (and big things) is imperative to not feeling as if you are being taken for granted. It’s nice to be appreciated and hear it when dinner is put on the table or the lawn is mowed. Give thanks and ideally, you get thanks in return as well.

Honesty: There is little doubt that men and women need to be honest with each other to have a strong marriage or relationship. But some serious relationships are just more honest than others. Being able to blurt out the truth and be totally accepted for it, no matter what is said is a big aspect of a healthy relationship.

You may attract a man where all of this isn’t readily apparent but with some work, you may find that you have found the boyfriend of your dreams. Toxic relationships won’t ever mature into a relationship with these components.

The Work of a Relationship

Relationships take work but they should also be a fun type of work if you are being rewarded with positive results. A single parent will have to arrange a babysitter, deal with an ex who may have an issue with the person you are dating, kids’ feelings of mom becoming romantically involved with someone, and the list goes on….

For someone like me, the work starts with getting out of my normal mom jeans, t-shirt, and baseball hat. It means taking the time to look my best which is time I generally don’t have. So the work starts in preparing for a date. Then there is the emotional work of being open while getting to know someone. That is followed by all the energy after a date wondering if you said every dumb thing you could have possibly said and if they think you are an absolute idiot. Talk about energy consumption.

But that work should be rewarded with butterflies of excitement when he calls and starts chatting away about anything and everything. That work should be rewarded with being told you look pretty. It should be rewarded with your kids liking him and being happy that mommy is a bit happier too.

Yet there are deal-breakers we need to all be aware of as they matter to us whether we admit it or not.

Deal Breakers

A deal-breaker is something that you can’t get past and accept. You might be okay with someone having a glass of wine with dinner at night but not willing to date someone who has two vodkas every night when they come home. Each person has a different list of deal-breakers and it will do you well to know what they are. I’m Catholic and my ex is Jewish. While this wasn’t a big deal while dating, it became a big deal for him when we got married and especially in raising our son. Where we had once agreed to do our own thing, he resented the Catholic traditions I brought into his Jewish home.

Deal breakers can include things like:

Religious or political incompatibility
Smoking, alcohol, or drug habits
Child raising values and practices
Lifestyle choices
Sexual incompatibility

On the flip side, for me, I know a new deal-breaker is athleticism. My ex-husband was not athletic at all and really disliked sports. While this isn’t a big deal to some degree, I love sports and being an athlete is something I identify with. I’d love my partner to share my love and passion for sports and be able to play them simply because it gives us more to do together, be playfully competitive with, and supportive in. It wasn’t a deal-breaker in my first marriage but it is one moving forward.

Think about what your deal breakers are and where you draw the line in the sand. The deal breakers should be fundamentals that you just can’t compromise on; if you try to, you’ll probably become resentful of the person which isn’t really fair since it’s your deal-breaker you compromised on.

Moving Forward

I’ve tried the online dating thing; I have several close friends happily married because of online dating platforms and I am happy for them. But the more I’m on dating sites, the less I feel it is for me. It doesn’t matter if it is a free or paid platform; they just don’t have great options for me. At the same time, friends remind me that I literally live on a rock and choices may be limited.

But I think it’s time for me to venture into hobbies where I can meet those with similar interests. That means joining a tennis league and maybe doing some improv classes. These are old passions that time hasn’t given me the joy of recently. But that’s the work I’ll need to do: get out, do things I love, and meet others who love the same types of things. Maybe then I’ll get out of the swipe right, swipe left rat race of a single mother scanning for unmarried single men.

Are you a single mom and want a place you can trust other single moms for support, laughter, venting, and ugly cries? We have the place for you in our Private Facebook Group.

Staying in a Toxic Relationship Impact on Kids

June 29, 2019/1 Comment/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Home Life, Parenting /by kimberlee

Many moms staying in a toxic relationship, marriage or otherwise, justify their own unhappiness and fears to keep a nuclear family together for the kids. The truth is that staying in a bad marriage or toxic relationship has a negative effect on kids. Kids see and hear just about everything, no matter how much we try to hide it.

There are many long-term effects that include learning negative patterning, depression, withdrawal, and isolation. If you are staying in a bad relationship for your children, as admirable as it might feel, it might not be the best for either or you in the long run.

Here are the main impacts your toxic relationship has on your children:

Fear of Intimacy

When children see mom and dad unable to maintain a healthy relationship, often with mom crying or dad yelling, they may fear getting close to others. This often starts with isolation behavior in social scenarios with peers and can grow into a fear of intimacy.

Children coming from toxic relationships will view intimacy as a way that people get hurt. In order to protect themselves, they reject any form of a close relationship. Even when they desperately want to be loved and in love, they will engage in relationships extremely guarded. As the relationship continues, they may replay what they say mom and dad do in arguments.

Learned Aggression

Children develop habits based on what they see. Boys (and girls) and see dad belittling or even physically harming mom will learn that this is the normal way couples interact. Kids who see mom cowering at the sound of dad’s keys in the door will feel they need to hide from those who supposedly love them.

These patterns are developed subconsciously and take a lot of work to undo. As a single mom raising a boy, the last thing you want is for him to raise his hand to you when he is getting punished. As a single mom of a girl, you want your daughter to feel strong enough to stand up for her feelings, safety, and happiness. This is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish when staying in a toxic relationship.

Undefined Sense of Self

Every parent knows that the mind of a child is very impressionable. The reason for this is that children are developing their sense of self, based on what they see and experience. Children want to be loved, have close friends, and explore their talents. However, children who live in a home where a toxic relationship is prevalent are constantly fighting their own inner dialogue and impulses.

They will get close to someone and then stop being friends without warning. In many cases, they will just end a relationship without an explanation. They will sabotage their success in school, art or sports. All this arises from watching mom and dad in constant conflict and the child’s emotional development is hindered.

Chronic Tension and Fear

No one likes to be in a room where two people are constantly fighting or not getting along. Even though a child is watching an external situation, the tension of the toxic relationship becomes an internalized issue. Some may never overcome the anxiety and fear that comes from growing up in a toxic relationship environment.

Children who experience chronic tension and fear will develop other neurotic tendencies, mental illness, and physical ailments. The most common effects of a bad relationship on kids are depression, chronic fatigue, despair, anxiety attacks and aggression.

Mood and Psychological Problems

Left untreated, chronic issues resulting from living in a toxic relationship will lead to other issues that can include mood disorders such as dysthymia. Dysthymia is a disorder where children (later adults) experience both highs and lows. It is similar to bipolar disorder but of a lesser degree.

Many children coming out of these types of situations will also turn to drugs, alcohol or sex abuse to find an escape. Some children may start cutting or potentially have suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

Reducing the Impact of Toxic Relationships on Kids

Reducing the impact of toxic relationships on kids starts with getting them out of a bad situation followed by the right type of support and counseling. Parents need to decide what the true cost of staying together is for their children in the long run.

Getting Out of the Toxic Relationship

Protecting your children is a top priority for moms. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, understand that you have options that will make everyone healthier. Some moms feel that if they aren’t in a physically abusive relationship, they should stick it out. This couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

If you are getting yelled at, belittled, controlled, or otherwise emotionally abused you need to get out not just for you but also for your children. Both you and your children will be able to take a breath and regain the ability to see what healthy relationships are. It may take time and you will likely need some help.

Counseling For You And The Kids

If you are in or just got out of a toxic relationship, family counseling is a good idea. You can get counseling for you and your kids or, if resources allow for it, getting individual therapy may help you and your children have the space to really explore your feelings and develop new ways of thinking.

Support groups are another way to work through some of the daily issues you experience once you break free from a toxic relationship. Having a place where other single moms with similar experiences hang out and chat is a great way to build your network and support system. Knowing others have been where you are at and emerged on the other side is very empowering. Laugh, cry, vent and hug. A support group is a perfect place for you and your children to grow and get back to living in a positive and healthy way.

Looking for a safe space to make new friends? Check out the Single Mommy Tribe private Facebook Group.

man and woman sitting on opposite park bench sides breaking up

9 Reasons We Stay In Toxic Relationships

June 9, 2019/3 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

The question always arises whenever anyone sees a woman in a toxic relationship: why do you stay in a toxic relationship if you are unhappy? Unfortunately, the answer to the question of why we stay in toxic relationships is not as clear cut. Women remain in harmful, toxic relationships for a variety of reasons including fear or their partner, fear of the unknown, a desire to protect their children, and learned helplessness.

Mental health professionals often try to address both the fear and the self-worth issues a woman faces when trying to break free of a toxic relationship. Friends work hard to not only empower someone to leave, but provide a sense of safety. However, many women stuck in a toxic relationship feel isolated and alone, unsure about what the first step is and the resources available to them.

Toxic relationships can be mentally and physically abusive or could be something that holds a person back from finding true happiness, leading to despair or depression. Toxic relationships can happen with any friend or family member but are most damaging when they are a significant other who you have built a life with. Toxic relationship rob you of the emotional energy and strength to tackle life’s little problems let alone the major things that inevitably occur in life.

Here are nine reasons we stay in toxic relationships:

1. We Are Afraid Our Partner will retaliate

Fear of retaliation is a big reason women stay in a toxic and even abusive relationship. Women fear not just for their own safety, but for the safety of their children and other loved ones. Someone in an abusive relationship often protects their abuser even after being admitted in an emergency room to get treatment from wounds they received from them.

Threats and abusive actions give many women enough reason to think that they have no other choice but to stay and appease their abuser. The hope is to keep them at bay and not antagonize the situations to a point where the abuser will snap and go far more extreme than they already have. If you are in this type of a situation, there is help. Organizations such as Doorways in Virginia will help you find a safe place to stay and regain control of your life.

2. Being With Someone is Better Than Being Alone

No one wants to be alone and this can mean that we sometimes choose a bad situation rather than be alone. This was certainly a big factor to how I got into a bad relationship; 9-11 had just happened and I realized that there was more to life than career ambition and monetary goals. Because I was coming from a fearful state, I found myself easily swayed into a relationship by someone I previously rejected.

If you don’t feel that there is anyone else out there for you or anyone better than what you have, staying put seems like a good option. After all, why not wait until you have better prospects before venturing out on your own. However, your relationship isn’t a job that you should keep until you get a better offer. Staying in a toxic relationship because you are afraid to be alone or don’t have better prospects saps your energy and often your identity preventing you from finding your next better prospect.

3. The Unknown Is Scarier

The fear of the unknown is enough to keep many people stuck in life paralysis. There is no fight or flight activity but instead sitting to wait for someone to rescue you or God to take you. Seriously, the fear of the unknown means that things could be worse after you leave and this might have indeed been the “best you could ever hope for.”

Our brain is hardwired to protect us and if it can’t perceive something as being a better alternative, it will choose the survival mode for the current situation. You must find a way to override your mind to see that there is something bigger and better out there waiting.

4. Protecting Our Children is the Priority

Staying together for the kids is a big component of why women stay in a toxic relationship. Most of us look at our children and remember the promise we made to them when they were born (maybe even in our womb). A promise to do right by them and protect them is a common promise moms make and fear that they are breaking it if they leave.

The truth is that by staying in a toxic relationship, we encourage our children to continue the negative cycle of a dysfunctional relationship. They see us stay and start to believe that toxic is normal. Sons will develop unhealthy relationships with women and men. Daughters will not know that they can expect to be treated with love, respect, and kindness by men. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship teaches by example without any other input.

Realize that you can change how you keep that promise to do right by your children and protect them. Taking a leap to break out on your own and rebuild your life is a lesson sons and daughters can take many positive things from.

5. We Are Accustomed To Being Treated Badly

Learned helplessness is often one of the primary reasons women can get themselves to make a move out of a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Learned helplessness is a psychological condition created through trauma that leaves a person feeling powerless. It often leads to depression and low self-esteem.

Trauma in a relationship could come from a variety of situations such as physical abuse, the death of a loved one, unexpected pregnancy, an abortion, or another emotionally scarring event. Even if your partner is not responsible for the traumatic event, say for example if a woman has a miscarriage, his attitude and perhaps even manipulation of the situation compounds negative feelings. Learned helplessness can happen over extended periods of time but doesn’t always.

6. Unworthiness Overrides Our Desires for Joy

If we don’t see ourselves as worthy or having value, being confident or courageous to leave will be difficult. Women with worthiness issues are likely to be drawn into a toxic relationship that only sucks what little confidence and worth they have. When you are already criticizing yourself and allowing your self-talk to beat you down, taking it from someone else is a pretty simple transition.

Ultimately, until we can believe that we are worth someone being kind and caring to us, giving us compliments and doing nice things for us, we are not going to leave. It starts with changing our own self-talk.

7. Memories of Earlier Loving Ways

For many who were once deeply in love with their toxic partner, you may still have strong emotional feelings about that person. You think about the times early in the relationship when you became conditioned to associate this person with great feelings. There is a dissociation that happens between your current negative thoughts that should lead to negative feelings.

It’s understandable. You want the person you fell in love back or maybe you see moments that are glimmers of the way it used to be. If you still love your toxic partner, it will be hard to rationalize the negative things as being toxic. Often, women will justify things by saying, “No one is perfect. It’s just his way but he loves me.”

8. Manipulation of Our Emotions

When a toxic partner senses or is told that you are leaving, many types of manipulation is often employed to keep you. Manipulation can start with minor things such as emotional manipulation that could include public and private demeaning, belittling, and threatening actions. Your partner may take to social media with a picture that shames you to friends and family. Physical manipulation includes withholding affection or sex.

9. Don’t Know How

It’s a big step to leave a toxic relationship. Many women find themselves not sure what to do first after being with their partner for years, if not decades. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding work or child care. Sometimes women just don’t know how to overcome the emotions of taking that first step.

Moving Day: The Big Step

Having gone through this myself, I remember the day that I left with the million little details that happened. It’s like a movie that will never be erased in my mind. While I had finally gotten myself to a point of action, the entire day was wrought with fear, uncertainty and doubt.

I had one friend who could help me the day before I left to gather things and a friend to watch my son the day of. The actual move was my burden to bear, in part because I couldn’t muster the courage to ask anyone to be in a confrontational situation with me. The day ended with my completed exhausted in every manner: physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

But, when I got the kitchen unpacked the next day and made my son his first meal in our new home, a new sense of self emerged. There was pride, that no matter how tiny and simple our home was, it was ours. It was the start of me becoming the mother in a new way; being emotionally free to love.

Get Yourself Ready To Get Out

Maybe you want to leave; maybe you know you need to or want to help a friend find security, safety and joy. It starts with doing the work that will help you realize that you are going to be safe and okay. That first step may be the most difficult thing you ever do, but once you are standing on your own two feet in your own space, you will realize just how capable you are.

Learn to take control back over your life with the book, Stay At Home Single Mom today!

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

There are a few days every year that really make you feel single. No doubt that the biggest culprit is Valentine’s Day. To make our single souls feel better, someone decided to dub the day of love as Single’s Awareness Day. Are you serious? If there is any day that should not be used to celebrate the strength of solo men and women everywhere, it is the day after Valentine’s Day.

Go ahead and call my Cupid’s Scrooge. It’s okay. I’ll wear that badge with pride because you can’t make a pie out of cow patties and call it old fashioned apple pie. Nope, nope and nope.

The Delusion of Singles Awareness Day

First of all, no one can decide if you celebrate this holiday on Valentine’s Day to spite all in love or party it up the next day. Seriously people. Are we that delusional that we need to pretend that Valentine’s Day is something other than the day of love?

Where teenage girls get giddy because that boy kissed her.

Where newlyweds burn everything while making that dinner where the thought that counts and they weren’t really going to eat the food anyways.

Where couples who have 50 years together find that one special chocolate candy the other has always loved.

We should be celebrating love and look for all the places we have it in our lives. Don’t all those mindset coaches tell us to put out there what we want to attract? Well if we celebrate being alone, isn’t that what we will attract? Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem embracing my strength as a single mom. Been doing it for 14+ years and am in no rush.

But to fall in love…. I’ll hold on to that dream.

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Admit It: You Are Alone

You won’t find me out with all my other single girlfriends throwing some grand party celebrating our independence on Valentine’s Day. I’ll be home, having another average dinner with my son wondering if he got asked by anyone to be her Valentine. Not that he would admit it, but it’s nice to think he did.

I don’t want to dilute Valentine’s Day. If I went out, it would be one great big reminder that everyone around us was in love, pretending to be in love or hoping love would spark through this romantic evening. As the hopeless romantic that I still dream about becoming, I don’t want to be the person accidentally sending side-eyed glances in disdain to the happy couple next to me.

Yes, I Said I’m a Hopeless Romantic

Don’t let the rumors hit you in the butt on the way out. I don’t want to celebrate being single on Valentine’s Day. And I don’t want to be around everyone in love either. I want to be home, watching sappy love stories on television after dinner – yes, I’ll probably get some indulgent dessert. I want to dream that love is still possible even for a curmudgeon like me.

There is no question that my return trip to the world of the living lovers has stalled. In fact, it could probably use a tow to the nearest single’s bar. After a divorce, single moms often make tough choices. For me, it was refraining from the dating scene until I got my own life together again and wasn’t concerned with falling into the shit-storm I had when married. For that, I have no regrets.

My Valentine’s Day Mantra

You see, many single men and women watch others in love and think about the love they lost. They sit and ask themselves, “Why me? How did all this happen?” Anyone who knows even the superficial me knows I have no room for the victim mentality in my life. Yet, Valentine’s Day has me ponder, “Why not me?” It’s a subtle difference but one of curiosity, not victimization.

I’m not exactly ugly. I’ve got a great career. I’m smart and actually can make someone snarf a drink with a well-timed joke. Meaning I’m confident enough to say, “I’m not a total loser.” Just a moderate one… at least when it comes to love.

Why Vs Why Not

You see, thinking of things in terms of the why me mode is looking backward at what happened and the negative things that led to a void in my life right now. But when I think of why not me, I find myself reminded of the choices I have made to be a mom first, build a career second and then open myself to love whenever (as you can see, it hasn’t developed a strong plan).

One day with everyone else celebrating might be hard, but it doesn’t change my choices or my perspective. In fact, it gives me hope. Because I know that if I made one choice for certain reasons and succeeded in my goals, that making another choice and putting forth the energy will also yield to results.

Because I am smart … and funny … and successful … and a good mother. And overall, I think I’m a pretty good person who strives to build other people up and help them be better versions of who they want to be. Oh, and I’m not ugly.

Why Not Appreciate Singles’ Awareness Day?

Look, I am no one to judge anyone for finding a way to not be depressed on a day like Valentine’s Day. For those who are recently single, struggling to get over the deep emotional struggles, being around your best single pals can be empowering. I get it.

For me, I don’t want to change my hope and belief that Cupid, with those stinking flimsy little arrows of his, might do me a favor and rapid fire 50 at me to see what sticks. I don’t want to be so appreciative of being single that I forget to look for or be open to love.

Laugh, I know. For a girl who hasn’t seemed to care about dating or falling in love, just remember that I am a sappy romantic. who cries at Hallmark commercials and gets a little warm feeling when I see a 70-year-old man open the door for his wife with a little extra pep because he is happy and in love.

I’m not ashamed to say it. I’d love to be in love like that. And I don’t want to be too appreciative on Single’s Awareness Day that I don’t actively seek greater love in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day from this curmudgeon. If anyone needs an ear, I’m here. While I won’t make it about Single’s Awareness Day, I will always be willing to support those who need just someone to listen and laugh with.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

silhouette of woman with fire behind her

Getting Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

April 13, 2019/6 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Personal /by kimberlee

Breaking up is hard to do under the best of circumstances. Getting out of an unhealthy relationship has internal dynamics that make is all the harder to end. Understanding what makes a relationship unhealthy helps the person leaving to identify the reasons they need to leave. Substance abuse, mental illness, emotional and physical abuse, and infidelity are signs that you are in a bad relationship and need to find a way out.

What Is an Unhealthy Relationship

There is not one thing that defines an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes personalities simply don’t mix and you aren’t happy; you feel like the relationship holds you down. More often than not, unhealthy relationships involve physical or emotional abuse, monetary control or social isolation (or all of them).

Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

There is a myriad of reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships. Often it can be a mixture of things that lead from one bad relationship to another. Until someone understands why they get in and stay in a bad relationship, the cycle continues. As a single mom, my goal is to break the cycle of my bad choices now that I’m out of the unhealthy relationship. That being said, it isn’t easy getting out.

I knew before my son was even born that our marriage wasn’t going to last. Yet, I was desperate to find a way to make it work. I wanted my son to have a cohesive family he could rely on. And even in the face of knowing it wasn’t going to happen, my pride didn’t want to admit how bad of a decision I had made. I stayed two years longer than was emotionally healthy for myself.

Here are some reasons we stay in unhealthy relationships:

Self-Worth and Satisfaction

One of the most prevalent is your personal set of standards, meaning someone can be satisfied with an unsatisfactory relationship. This often has to do with a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Comparing your life to others, it can be easy to say, “well I don’t deserve more than this.”

Abusive Conditioning and Fear

This feeling could also be the result of manipulation and emotional abuse. A man or woman could become convinced by an abusive partner that they aren’t deserving of someone better, that they are worthless and unlovable. Some trying to leaving an abusive relationship may fear a violent outburst from his or her partner.

Investment of Time or Money

Our personal ego can fight our own instincts to leave someone. We look at the time and money spent to build a relationship. It can be hard to determine when it is time to cut our losses and move on. This is where emotions and rational thinking don’t always mesh; our heart is telling us we aren’t happy but our mind is telling us that we should stick it out because we’ve been together for so long.

Children Are Involved

One of the hardest things to do is to leave when children are involved. There are a couple of reasons for this. The most common reason is keeping the children’s best interest at heart by not wanting them to have a split home. Other reasons are more fear-based: men may think they won’t have time with their kids while women may fear not being able to provide for the household on their own. Remember that there is an impact on kids when we stay in toxic relationships.

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The Difference Between Compromise and Sacrifice

Compromise is when two parties work together to find a middle ground; it means both are probably getting something and giving something. Sacrificing is giving up your needs and wants to give in to the other person. Continual sacrifice leads to a feeling of resentment and unfulfillment.

It’s often said that it takes two people to make a relationship work. It is also said that it takes two to make it fail. The latter statement can be a bit tricky. Two people compromising or deciding to split ways is a demonstration of two people making it work or not work. One person expecting the other to always make the sacrifice still technically involves two people but only one is really working on the relationship.

You are sacrificing if:

you are always giving and never getting anything in return.
nothing is ever enough to satisfy the other person.
the goal posts move every time you agree to your side of the compromise.

Sacrifice Can Be Subtle

It was apparent that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. The food I always had cooked and loved wasn’t healthy enough by his standards. When I changed the entire menu according to his wishes, he never ate it and complained that I never cooked. One of the many ways in which I thought I was making a compromise to make things work. In my mind, it was a small change to make so our family could enjoy a meal together.

Finally separated, I was able to inventory all the things I loved that I changed or got rid of. Everything from how I cooked, favorite artwork and even relocating my dog. I also lost count of the number of times he told me he “didn’t need to compromise.” There were two in the marriage with only one trying to work things out.

Knowing When It’s Time to Leave

At some point, a person needs to know when it is time to leave. It will never feel right or feel good because you do have emotional ties to the person, the relationship and the situation. You may be afraid that making the leap will lead to something worse than where you are at. Often, people know it’s time and still stay mustering the courage and developing the plan to do so.

The moment you realize it is time to leave can be the most terrifying moment you ever face. You’re in a bad relationship, maybe physically or emotionally abusive. Changing the status quo can set a chain reaction of things. But, you have to recognize that time has come.

Here are some things to consider the time to get out of a bad relationship:

Walking on eggshells is the new normal, even for the kids, so as to not upset your partner
Friends no longer want to meet at your home or have couples’ nights out
Sex life is unsatisfying or non-existent
Fear is the predominant feeling
Money is completely controlled by the other party
Memories of why you are together are hard to find
Sleeping, eating and exercise habits become unhealthy

Everyone’s list is unique. The patterns of an unhealthy relationship are different for everyone. It’s important to know that while you may feel stuck, you aren’t. You have the opportunity to make a change for the better.

Have a Plan to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship

Take the time to create a plan for leaving. Obviously, if you are in physical danger, time is not on your side. You need to get out and find a friend, family member or shelter that can help. In most other situations, simply getting up and walking out rarely puts you in a position of personal strength – personal strength is everything you need when leaving.

Start with a trusted support network. Figure out the money; save somewhere you can. Line up employment if you don’t already work. Find a place stay, whether with a friend or renting somewhere on your own. Check on how benefits work if you will need them to get you through the initial phase of break off. That’s what this is, breaking off, not breaking up. You need to cut the emotional ties and physical dependency while keeping the rest of you intact.

Go Time

Take a deep breath and consider what you are doing. There will be so many triggers pulling you back to staying if even for the comfort of just not creating conflict. Get a friend to help you, support you through it. If you make plans you can’t change, it helps. Hire movers or sign the contract for a new lease.

When I knew it was time, I went out and looked for a place to live. I found a small house in a community I felt safe in. The lease was signed, deposit paid and movers hired. There were two locations I needed to deal with: our home and our ranch where most of my things had been put in storage because he didn’t like them. My plan was to have my son go to a playdate while I met the movers at the ranch to take care of that then swing by and get the essentials from the home. A friend met me the day before to help me gather my things at the ranch so we could be in and out as quickly as possible.

So much for trusted allies. He came home that night with a sudden urgency to go to the ranch on a weeknight when it was always a weekend home. When the movers and I arrived, he had unpacked things to go through them, taken what he felt was his and harassed the movers with a video camera in their face the entire time. Nothing about that day was easy but the moment I laid in my new home, with my son cuddled up next to me, I knew I had taken the first step to regain control of my life.

Recovering from an Unhealthy Relationship

It takes time to untangle the emotions after breaking away from an unhealthy relationship. People react differently. Some get out and enjoy freedom while others stay at home, suffering in silence. Extremes of either option aren’t good. Make time to spend with friends and family but don’t be afraid to sit down and feel. Figure out who you are again.

Kids will have their own struggles. It’s important that you don’t get so stuck in your own healing that you forget about the pain or confusion your children might be feeling. Yes, kids are resilient but they still experience stress when mommy and daddy split.

Shortly before I moved out, I had taken my son to the pediatrician. In the visit, I explained to the doctor that his father and I were separating and was there anything I should expect. His words were prophetic, “He’ll feel like things are out of control so he’ll hold on to what he can control. His bladder.” My son was a toddler and just starting pottie training that quickly stopped by toddler refusal when we moved out. When I followed up with the pediatrician, he laughed, “Don’t worry, it will work itself out. I promise he won’t be going to college in a diaper.”

Not Making the Same Mistakes Again

It’s easy to say, “I’m never going to let that happen to me again.” You’ve left because you saw the need, felt the negativity and broke away. Clarity is a nice thing. Then come the loneliness and the stress. Being a single mom or single dad isn’t easy; it’s nice to have someone around to talk to, to help, to keep guard of the bathroom door for an indulgent bath alone. All those feelings are natural and normal.

No one can predict how long it will take to recover or how long it should take to jump back into the dating world. Some people are better about just going out and dating casually than others. I’ve never been good at casual dating so for me, it has been a very cautious road of who I let into my life and into my son’s. The work to heal takes time and requires digging into all the icky stuff that makes us feel ashamed or embarrassed for our previous decisions. You have to do that work to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Otherwise, the cycle continues.

We’re here to help. Join our free secret Facebook support group, Single Mommy Tribe. We’re here to celebrate your success, listen to the venting and provide resources to help you move ahead in your life.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

Dating with Kids: Is He Ready for Your World?

January 12, 2019/13 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Parenting, Personal /by kimberlee

You’ve made the decision to get back into the world of the living and that includes dating. Being afraid of how your kids will factor into the equation is normal and natural. Take the time to decide on how you will deal with date nights, talk about your new friend and whether or not he is really ready for dating someone with kids.

It doesn’t matter if your children are little or teens getting ready to leave the house soon. Dating with kids is hard and requires a game plan. Things can get even more complicated if you are co-parenting and dating. Be flexible throughout.

Here are the best tips we could find to help you jump back into the world of dating:

The Start of Dating with Kids

The start of dating again can be exciting, scary and overwhelming. It’s just the way things are. Be patient and know that time is on your side. He might need to figure out dating someone with kids too. It’s going to be a process.

Slow Down Before Jumping Into Dating with Kids

Double check your own readiness before you really start going out to meet people. Think about your own healing. The last thing you want is to get yourself in a bad relationship simply because you felt lonely. Do the work on you to get over your ex and determine the big things you want in your next relationship.

Know Yourself and Figure Out Your Needs

We are all different. Some of us just need to get out, be with adults and feel attractive. We want to date but aren’t looking for anything serious. Others don’t want to spend a lot of time and energy on things that have no potential. Know where you stand on this. Neither is wrong; it’s about taking care of you in the long run.

Keep It A Secret at First

It can be exciting to meet someone who really makes you feel wonderful. Be giddy with your girlfriends but don’t start sharing things with your kids until you know something meaningful is in the works. Meeting the new man in your life is stressful for kids. If this happens a lot, stress can increase and it can also lead to kids having a poor understanding of long-term relationships.

Calm Your Kids’ Fears

Kids from divorced parents can be concerned that one parent is being replaced. When you realize it is time to start letting your kids know that you are dating and maybe even getting a bit serious, be diligent about explaining that no one is getting replaced. Mommy and Daddy will always be Mommy and Daddy – bottom line. Repeat as necessary.

Avoid Searching for Mr. Perfect

We once heard Dr. Phil speak about looking for Mr. Right. A paraphrased version of his advice: Go find someone that meets 80% of what you’re looking for. No one is perfect. Go look for Mr. 80 Percent and then learn to compromise and accept the other 20% as we are all human. We took note of this – who wouldn’t, it’s Dr. Phil.

Have What If Conversations with Kids

You don’t need to tell kids that you’re going off on a date. In fact, it’s better to not bring things up unless you really see a future. But ask your kids about what if scenarios like, “What would you think if mommy met someone new?” This gives your kids a chance to express themselves without the pressure of thinking they need to please you.

Don’t make what ifs about you, make them about your ex and your kids, like, “What if you won a shopping spree to Hello Kitty?” Keep it light and let your kids say what they think while also imagining new things in the world.

Balance Your Time

If you are co-parenting and dating, do your best to do your dating when your children are at the other parent’s home. If that isn’t possible, be mindful to not be out every Friday night or stop all those fun traditions you have with your children like Saturday cookie baking. This helps keep the crazy co-parenting routine as normal as possible for kids who thrive on continuity.

Relationships Start to Get Serious

When the rubber meets the road … (maybe not the best analogy here) but time has come to think about the next steps of the relationship. This might be a bit scary for you in many ways because you might not be ready to introduce him to the kids, but you might be talking about getting more serious.

Stay Tuned-In to Yourself When Dating With Kids

This goes back to slowing down and really assessing your own feelings, desires and needs. Remember that it is normal to have all sorts of feelings. Self-affirmation is important at this stage. This is where all that fun and excitement might start to feel like work. Keep those feelings in check.

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Talk to Your Partner

If you haven’t already started to talk about introductions to kids, this is the time to start planning. Both of you need to be ready and comfortable when the time comes. The more you talk about this, the more you move in the direction of building a family together. This is the time to talk about parenting styles in depth.

Don’t leave that up to, “well he’s just easy going.” You may be in for a surprise when his favorite loafers are doused in a soda-shine by your son.

Offer Soft Invitations to Older Kids

By now your children probably already know about him. At least they have a good idea even if you think they don’t. Kids are smart. If you have older kids, this might be a good time to give them the power to choose. Ask them if they want to join some casual date scenarios like grabbing a pizza or going for a hike.

Let Kids Express Their Fears

Giving children the chance to express their fears is important. Don’t forget to acknowledge those fears. Your children rely on you to be their protector. Let them know you realize they are afraid, maybe even angry at times. Reassure them that their feelings are important and you will always be there to listen to them and help them.

Introducing Your New Love Interest

It’s hard to say when that time will be, it’s different for everyone. But at some point, you will realize that your new relationship isn’t some fling and you want to start really exploring a future together. It’s time to introduce him to your children. And maybe it’s time for you to meet his.

Consider A Conversation with Your Ex

Co-parenting and dating is not very easy. Talking to your ex may not be feasible depending on how bad the breakup was and how much time has passed. With that said, getting your ex on board before you introduce the kids helps disarm him and could even help you gain his alliance when talking to the kids about Mommy’s new friend. Remember though, setting co-parenting boundaries is important.

Keep the Meeting the New Guy Informal

Don’t make the first meeting between your new love interest and your kids a major event like a birthday party or holiday gathering. Those are stressful without meeting someone new that will have a huge impact on your life. Make the event something where no one feels restricted to sit at a table for a full dinner awkwardly.

Get Your Kids Feedback

A simple, “what do you think?” will open the doors of everything going on in their minds. Let them talk. Don’t censor it and don’t interrupt. Some of it might be hard to hear and you may feel defensive at times. Take a breath and acknowledge their thoughts and feelings. This goes a long way to reassuring them that they are your priority. There is plenty of time to talk about your side of the situation.

Give Everyone Space and Time

Don’t jump from the introduction to family dinners every night. That can overwhelm anyone. As much as you want to integrate everyone into one happy family, everyone might need a little time to make small adjustments to normal routines. Integrate families slowly when you are dating with kids.

Open Discussions for Problems

He might seem like the greatest guy in the world but if his jokes or the way he hugs make your daughter uncomfortable, she needs to know she can come to you about it. That’s an extreme example to illustrate the point that your kids need to know that if a problem arises from anything from inappropriate language to corporal punishment, you need to and want to know.

The End Game: Fully Integrated Families

That’s the goal, right? From dating to help you move forward to a fully integrated family where everyone feels good is what moms dream about. Though the road may seem a bit bumpy at times and it could feel like it will never happen, just remember to keep communication with your kids and your new beau in check.

Over time, what seemed awkward when dating with kids will become normal. Kids want to be happy but they also want you to be happy too. As time goes on, if you keep giving everyone opportunities to talk, your new family can grow into a wonderful example other single mom find inspiration in.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.