How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

March 12, 2020/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Divorce is never an easy thing, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist. And having kids in the mix makes it even more difficult. You are leaving the relationship to protect yourself and your kid, but that doesn’t always mean your kids will understand what’s going on. How do you figure out how to talk to kids about divorce?

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Every kid will react differently to the situation and the eventual separation of parents. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, some kids may become angry or act out, others may develop greater separation anxieties, and some may ask where the other parent is. All of these are normal responses to the divorce.

There are a few things you can do though. One of the vital things you can do to help your kids is to reassure them that the divorce was not their fault. Tell them this was about you and their dad, that things needed to change for the benefit of everyone. But make sure they know that both parents still love and care about them.

Depending on the maturity of the kid and the current turmoil at home, your kids might notice the unhappiness going on. They may see that there is constant fighting between you and your spouse. Or they could be picking up on how degrading and abusive one parent is being to the other. In these situations, telling them may bring more understanding and a level of relief than you think.

Explaining the Custody Order to Your Child

Part of your divorce will be a custody order. There are two main types of custody orders that will be addressed during court proceedings: physical and legal. A physical custody order tells where each child lives, with which parent, and on what days. Legal custody orders specify which parent gets to make decisions about what happens to the child.

Physical custody orders can vary greatly depending on the situation. The court can award joint custody meaning the child spends 50% of their time with each parent. If the child is staying with one parent more than 50% of the time they are the custodial parent with the other parent getting visitation rights with the child.

Some physical custody arrangements can be spending six months living with one parent then six months with the other parent. Another scenario might be one parent having the kids a couple of nights of the week while the other parent gets them the other two nights and on alternating weekends and holidays. What the physical custody order looks like depends on the agreement reached between you and your ex-spouse.

Legal custody orders consist of things like where you send your child to school, daycare, religious affiliations, etc. It is possible to have sole or majority of the physical custody and still share legal custody 50/50.

As you begin going through this process, don’t dump all the details onto your child. If they are really little simply reassure them that even though things are changing, you love them and so does your spouse. Kids that are old enough to process some of the changes going on can be told about the arrangements. Keep it simple and to the facts about who they will stay with, when, and where.

Finding the New “Normal”

After the dust has settled, its time to help your kids find the new normal. This comes through lots of love, nurture, and routines. Don’t necessarily expect your ex-spouse to follow your expectations and parenting demands. What they do depends upon the agreement you made.

If you agreed to co-parent you will both work together to set the rules for your child. You will have to decide through talking or some other communication what bedtime, meals, and everyday routines will be regardless of which parent has them.

In some cases, such as divorcing a narcissist, co-parenting may not be the best option. In this case, you can try parallel parenting. When you parallel parent, big decisions such as medical ones, will usually still be made by both parents. But everyday parenting decisions such as meals and bedtime routine will be made by each parent individually. So you may do things differently than your ex-spouse.

However, you decide to parent following the divorce, talk to your kids about the new changes. If you are parallel parenting, let them know that when they are with their dad things will be different than when they are with you. Tell them what your expectations are when they are staying with you and stick to it.

Helping Them See Their Value While You Rediscover Yours

As you work through figuring out how to talk to kids about divorce, you will not just need to explain what’s happening but also reassure them of their value. You have likely been robbed of any feelings of being valued for quite some time if you are divorcing a narcissist. Take time to once again rediscover your identity and value in life.

One thing to keep in mind even though it won’t be easy, your kids are adjusting to the new family situation. It might be difficult for them but with love and reassurance, they can still grow to be healthy, happy adults.

Single Mom Jobs: Working for Yourself or Someone Else

January 30, 2020/0 Comments/in Divorce, Home Life, Parenting, Personal /by kimberlee

If you’ve seen my book or heard me speak, you know I am all about helping to empower single moms to find jobs that will not just provide a good livelihood for their families, but will give them fulfillment and time to spend with their kids. I don’t know about you, but when I became a mom everything changed and while I am still a very goal-driven person, my desire to be “mom first” superseded everything.

Being able to find a career that serves your financial needs is so important. Beyond that, we have to find careers that understand that we want to make a field trip or help throw the class party. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you can’t provide financially and still be there for your kids.

I managed to do this as a writer, working from home on my own schedule and on my own terms. There are so many opportunities like this in the gig economy. Then there are flexible jobs that you can get paid benefits at as well. It’s up to you as a mom to determine exactly what the best route is for you and your family. Here are some things to consider and places to look for that perfect single mom job.

Monthly Budget as a Single Mom

Raising kids isn’t cheap. As a single mom, you’re often the sole provider making sure they have a good place to live, ample food on the table, and all the extra little things that makes childhood amazing. You also need to make sure you have medical care and are ideally planning for your own retirement to one day enjoy a break or two.

Understanding your monthly budget means having the honest talk with yourself about what your necessities are and what you really want. Everyone wants to make more money, have nice things, and go on more vacations. But you have to understand what you are willing to give up at times to get certain things. For me, while we lived in a good neighborhood and had nice things, I didn’t make the type of money I was probably capable of for many years simply because it would have taken time away from raising my son. That was a personal choice.

I knew what my monthly budget was to afford the lifestyle I wanted to give my son. It wasn’t bare minimum but it wasn’t everything I couldn’t have made. The tradeoff: I was there every day after school to see him, didn’t miss a field trip, and could take him to any after school activity without a hiccup. For me, my budget was a middle-of-the-road budget that fulfilled my monetary needs and mom desires.

Sit down and determine your budget to see exactly what you need and what you really want.

Single Parent Careers

Of course, there is no career that is labelled “single parent careers.” In fact, one would argue that all parents want the same good money with the flexibility of time that single moms want. The difference is that single moms often have a bigger burden of trying to deal with sick kids without extra help or manage unforeseen things without a shoulder of support. For me, flexibility was that much more important to me as a single mom than as a married mom.

The key thing is to remember that we are only limited by our own goals and beliefs. Going to work for long hours away from your child isn’t enticing for many single moms no matter how much money there is involved. Of course, you want to provide the best but that life balance is critical.

Some great jobs for a single mom to consider include:

Freelance anything: Writers web designers, and graphic designers are in demand and make a great living from home.
Teacher: Educators often work the same hours as when the kids are in school. This is especially ideal if you are able to teach at the same school that your child attends.
Sales: Great sales positions provide excellent commissions with benefits but a flexible schedule. Managers are often most concerned with sales numbers, not office hours.
Daycare: Nanny, babysitter, and daycare providers are often able to care for their own kids while getting paid to care for others.
Network marketing: Don’t scoff at network marketers. More women are making more money and maintaining a great social support system at the same time.

Employee or Business Owner

More and more single moms are going into business for themselves. This could be freelancing from home with a toddler on your lap as I started out years ago or opening an insurance agency (which I also later did when my son was older). Both allowed me strong control over my schedule, each with their own financial opportunities.

But not every mom wants to be in business for herself and there is nothing wrong with that. Having a reliable paycheck with set benefits and vacation time has a lot to be said for it. Figure out what you feel best suits you and make your decisions from there. You don’t need to do what everyone else is doing; this is about you and your family.

Finding an Understanding Boss

If you choose to get a job, make sure you are comfortable with how the boss views your role as a single mom. Of course, you don’t want to walk into an interview stating that you need to be able to get the day off if your child is sick, but you can get an idea of how understanding a boss might be with flexible scheduling.

Most employers want you to be your best when in the office and many will even allow you to take work home where pertinent if you have to take care of a sick child occasionally. You can get a sense of whether a boss if understanding or not when you ask them about their own children or talk to others in the office while waiting for an interview.

The Entrepreneur’s Life

If you decide that you want to control your own destiny and go into business for yourself, the sky is the limit. With so many ways to start a business, many of which allow you to work from home, there isn’t a reason for a single mom wanting her own business to be successful. Find something you are passionate about and get a mentor to help guide you. I’ve coached many single moms on starting a writing career; it actually helps me find great talent to outsource extra work to.

Single Mom Caring for Kids

Here’s the thing, caring for kids is either done by you for free or by someone else you pay. Unless grandma is retired and able to watch the kids, you probably don’t have free child care. This includes time after school. When making that budget and determining your overall costs, factor in what childcare expenses you will have. These are above other expenses like art classes or sports. Then, of course, there is the college planning roadtrip that you’d love to have when they are older.

When Kids Are Sick

Whether you work for someone else or work for yourself, you will find that sick kids are a normal part of parenting. Having a set plan in place for the days your kid can’t go to school (or you get a call from the school to pick them up). Some single moms are a little luckier than others with family close by to help. Others keep a babysitting fund available just in case.

Either way, have a plan. You don’t want to miss too many days of work because school is a petri dish and kids are always sick. At the same time, if you work for yourself, the work still needs to get done. Sick days don’t really happen for the self-employed. You know the kids will be sick at some point so have a plan even if that is making an agreement with a friend or family member to help you out for part of the day.

School Activities and The Single Mom

Being a freelance writer meant I never missed a school or afterschool activity. That was important to me. When getting back to work as a single mom, figure out what activities are most important to you to attend and plan for it. This might mean putting your name on the chaperone list for a specific field trip well in advance or making sure your schedule allows you to make all Friday basketball games.

Kids will adapt to your schedule but do appreciate mom being around. Include them on which events are most important for them to have you at. Plan as a family to make the most of your schedule and time off.

Balancing It All As a Single Mom

I’ve heard it said that you can have it all, just not all of it at the same time. This means setting priorities to make sure the most important things are done, paid for, or attended. Only you can do this. In the process, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. It can be easy to forget about self-care when you’re working so hard to be present for your kids and make a living.

Find a support system that lets you vent and lifts you up for everything you are doing. Remember, it can seem easy for society to put you down for what you can or can’t do. Only you know what your priorities are; no one else lives in your shoes. It doesn’t matter if you return to the workforce to do something you did prior to kids or start something new. Just make sure your single mom job aligns with your single mom priorities. Everything else will fall into place.

If you need a group of women who just get it, join the Single Mommy Tribe. We love to laugh but embrace a good cry too. And if you are looking for a way to break into freelancing, check out my book, Stay At Home Single Mom. I’d love to show you how to avoid the mistakes I made.

Single Mom Support Groups: What To Look For

January 18, 2020/0 Comments/in Divorce, Parenting, Personal /by kimberlee

As a single mom raising a son, I know the isolation that can happen when you are doing your best to balance it all. You can be surrounded by a group of loving friends, but it’s hard to find that group that truly relates to your situation. The last thing you want is for people to feel sorry for you. Instead, you want a group where you can vent and really be heard. It’s why I created the Single Mommy Tribe, a private online single mom support group.

The Stress of Single Parenting

Single parents juggle it all from making the money to keep the household afloat to every aspect of discipline and entertainment. The balancing act leads to extra stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and often depression or feelings of isolation. Many single parents are also concerned about finding the right role models, either male or female, to offer positive influences on the kids as they grow up.

As a single mom, there are simply things that I can’t teach or show my son. The same is true for single dads raising girls. It’s not as easy one would think to find the right role models that you trust with your child’s upbringing, after all, they likely have already been dealt a bad deck with mom and dad not being together. Extra care and concern is natural. And while family is a natural surrogate, it isn’t always feasible when families live hundreds or thousands of miles away as was the case for my son.

Finding a Tribe

I never found a great tribe early in my divorce. That isn’t to say I didn’t have friends who supported me, took me out to have drinks, and listened to what was probably incessant venting. I thank God for them but the truth is I was the first in our Moms Club to get a divorce. For whatever reason, the other single moms I’d run into at school had completely opposite schedules than me.

The one place I did find solace was an online chat room, long before Facebook created groups and messenger. I’d show up there for hours and made friends from around the world, all struggling with breakups, but at different parts of the journey. Not everyone was a parent, but everyone was dealing with divorce – usually an ugly one of some sort. Today you can Google or find online and local support groups where you can have a place to share with people who are or have gone through something similar.

Choosing a Support Group

Be selective about choosing a support group. You don’t need to attend one just because it’s there and for single moms. You have to feel like you belong and the people there are ready to offer you love and support. Sometimes these groups do collective things with the kids; that means your child must feel comfortable with the people there too. You may find a co-ed single parent group such as Parents Without Partners or be more comfortable with only single mothers. Test the waters to find out.

A supportive environment is critical to making you feel comfortable and trust that what you share is not going to leave the group or be criticized. As the years have gone by, I’ve found more single moms and certainly have a little tribe that I can vent to though we aren’t an official support group. We’re just single mothers who have found each other and can relate. Some I see more frequently than others, but all are considered part of my community and tribe.

Kid-Aged Support Groups

As single mothers, the feeling of isolation is normal. But we must also consider the isolation our children may feel at times. I know there were family parties we didn’t get invited to because we were only a part family. It’s weird to be the fifth wheel and people don’t do it intentionally, but it happens. And while we mothers can understand it, our children miss out on playing with their tribe at times and can feel singled out.

When you find a good real life support group (not online), you may consider one that has kid-aged activities with moms. This not only provides you with the emotional support you need, but gives your children other kids that relate to them. It can also make for great exchange times where you can swap watching the kids so you can get some ever-needed “me time.” Remember that a community is needed to raise kids and a group where you are able to gather as a family without feeling like a fifth wheel is important.

Activity-Based Support Groups

Activity-based support groups can be a fun way to get out of your comfort zone. This type of community schedules regular activities such as hikes, spa days, and even rock climbing. One of the most empowering things single mothers can do is to find ways to succeed out of their comfort zone. That sounds like it is really a daily life goal and it is; everything is somewhat uncomfortable as a single mom on most days.

But if you want a group that will challenge you to rise to the occasion and reap the benefits of confidence from it, find an activity-based support group. Taking the time to do fun or challenging activities will show you that you have more strength than you realized. My son became really active in mountaineering and rock climbing. I’m afraid of heights yet I found myself rappelling down 100-foot waterfalls to be an active part of his life. Not only did it help us bond, it helped me overcome mental challenges I faced.

Therapy-Based Support Groups

Therapy-based support groups are a great way to save money on therapy for yourself during difficult single mom times, meet people struggling as well, and find the psychological resources to get out of the muck. You can often find therapy-based support groups through local churches or community centers. Some family therapists also advertise groups or workshops for single parents.

This isn’t the type of group that goes out to the park for the day, but you may find one or two people in the group that you really relate to and gel with. Don’t hesitate to take the friendship outside the group and grab coffee with the kids. In the group, you can get the emotional tools needed to grow while building positive relationships outside of the group.

Balanced Life Goals

When you get divorced, imbalance is the first thing that happens. It takes time and work to rebuild the life that you want. It might not look like the life you dreamt of before you got a divorce simply because marriage didn’t work out and now you’re a single mom. However, you can find a fulfilling life if you focus on your priorities and goals. Building the life that you want starts with setting your priorities first.

For me, it was a huge priority to build a career and buy a home for my son. This took time and the reality is I didn’t prioritize dating because I wasn’t where I wanted to be personally. Every time I stepped into the dating world, it felt like someone wanted to come in and rescue me and my son. That didn’t feel empowering. Now that my son is older and my career is doing fine and we have a nice home in Hawaii, my priorities are changing.

My single mom tribe, my community is there to help me stay focused on what is important and what is just the noise of the world. Everyone heals in their own time and there are parts of you that may heal faster than others. Realize that and rely on your community to support you emotionally as you grow. Keep in mind that support groups are there to help you grow, venting is okay when something is fresh, but if your tribe isn’t helping you grow, seek out a new one.

The Single Mommy Tribe is a private Facebook Group where we allow venting, offer resources, and support single moms in their growth. We are a group from around the world who are at different stages of healing. Some are remarried for years while others are fresh in the throws of separation and custody issues. Join us so we can help support you.

Stay At Home Single Mom Book — Get this book today to get a stay-at-home career while raising the kids.

Single Mom Grants

January 10, 2020/0 Comments/in Divorce, Home Life, Personal /by kimberlee

Many single moms want to go back to school to be able to get a better job or start a small business and the only way this is possible for many is through single mom grants. Figuring out where the grants are is the first step to then determine if you qualify or not. The entire process can be overwhelming.

Grants are financial awards that don’t need to be repaid. In that way, they are different than student loans, business loans, or other financial aid. Be sure to review all the terms and conditions of the money you are getting to be sure it is a grant that you don’t need to repay.

The Decision to Go Back to School (or Open a Business)

The desire to go back to school or start a business may be something a single mom wants to do very badly but they can’t see how to afford it. It’s hard enough to grasp the amount of time and energy necessary to balance being a mom, studying, and even working all at the same time. The thought of getting a grant could mean the entire difference between a dream and a reality.

Finding Grants for Single Moms

The type of funding you seek (business or educational) will determine where to seek a grant. Most colleges offer assistance in locating local, school, or field of study-specific grants. The financial aid office at the college or university will walk you through your options. In addition to tuition assistance, women may receive child care aid or housing grants as increased assistance to make the college dream possible.

Local SCORE or Small Business Administration (SBA) offices have resources to help business owners locate grants they may be eligible for.

The Pell Grant is available to students across the nation. The maximum amount of the Pell Grant for the 2019-2020 school year is $6,195 for full-time students who qualify. Full-time students get more than part-time students. Pell Grant eligibility is determined when completing the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) in the fall of the year before you attend college.

Your chosen college or university will also be able to tell you if there are any state or university grants you are eligible for. There are also organizational grants that support specific fields of study, helping women pursue specific career paths often in STEM studies or social development fields.

Soroptimist International is a women’s philanthropic organization that grants thousands to women seeking to go back to school each year. Soroptimist International has local chapters in most major cities that you can contact to see what deadlines exist for what grants are available.

You can also find business grants such as the Halstead Grant that provides up to $7,500 for a female jewelry designer to start a jewelry line. In addition to the $7,500 in grant funds for operational costs, the recipient also gets $1,000 in merchandise. Grants like this are a great way to launch a new business for an aspiring single mom.

The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts also has grants ranging from $15,000 to $50,000 for those who are artists, writers, or otherwise curate contemporary art. This is not for school, but instead for professional artists who already have a track record of being published and are looking for ways to fund additional works.

Applying for Grants

When applying for grants, be sure to read through all the applications eligibility requirements. Many private grants will require an essay, business plan, or portfolio showing why you are a good candidate for the grant. Private foundations may have a very specific set of rules and requirements. Don’t waste time with lengthy applications for grants you are not qualified for. Your time is better spent finding the grant you are best suited to get and make your application as strong as possible.

Financial Aid and Student Loans

If you are looking to attend college, a grant may not be enough to pay all your tuition and fees along with your living expenses. Ask the financial aid department about student loans and scholarships. Find out what you are eligible for based on your field of study, background, and financial circumstances.

Remember that grants don’t need to be repaid and most scholarships are contingent on academic excellence. Neither of those need to be repaid. However, student loans do need to be repaid. While federal student loans don’t require repayment while you are still in school, make sure you are only borrowing what is necessary to get your education. You are better served by grants and scholarships where possible.

Your Tribe There to Help

Join the Single Mommy Tribe Facebook Group to brainstorm about what you want to do, how to get it done, and get the help to find the resources you need. As a tribe we will all succeed.

Co-parenting and Divorce Dos and Don’ts

January 5, 2020/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard, but co-parenting with a toxic ex can draw the burden of emotional abuse on for indefinite periods of time. Courts expect everyone to get along, but trying to reach agreements or have existing agreements maintained is nearly impossible with a toxic ex who insists on using the situation to maintain a power edge over you.

We were at Disneyland with a group of other moms. It was supposed to be a day to relax and enjoy time with my son and our friends. Of course, a message came through from my attorney. After nearly two years, there were still accusations being thrown by my ex. So much for a day at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Everything becomes a trigger when co-parenting with a toxic ex. My therapist had already explained to me the concept of crazy-making and much of what my ex did was just that. Even being on my own, I was still in a bad situation because my ex wasn’t interested in co-parenting, he was only interested in gaining an advantage where he could. He wanted things the way he wanted them when he wanted them.

That didn’t matter if it was a change in the schedule he wanted for the holidays, he’d simply say it was his holiday even when the court order clearly stated otherwise. Accusing me of being a negligent mother because my son wore a scarf knit by my grandmother around his neck, my ex claiming it was a choking hazard.

Getting Through a Difficult Divorce

Getting divorced with a toxic ex starts with setting your real set of boundaries. This can be hard because you may be emotionally torn for a variety of reasons: a broken heart, wanting to protect your child, or wanting to believe they will agree when there are lawyers and judges involved. A difficult divorce is one that even the smallest of things can’t be agreed upon.

My son and I were finally in our new home, small but ours. My ex insisted on coming over to assess Matthew’s living arrangements. I shouldn’t have let him, but I felt I didn’t have anything to hide. On my list was a washer and dryer for the garage. My ex offered to get it for us. Three months later he demanded repayment for something he willingly gave me. There was no way to prove what he said.

Divorce can take a long time when conflicts exists and conflict will almost always exist with a toxic ex. Everything you say will be refuted, every accusation about you will be made, every opportunity to argue will be made. When you try to ignore the craziness, you’ll be accused of ignoring the situation. My divorce process was my life for two and a half years. I thought co-parenting would be easier once the case was settled and we were officially divorced.

wall mural of girl letting heart balloon go

Setting a Custody Schedule

Getting a custody schedule in order as soon as possible will be the first thing you need to do to co-parent with a toxic ex. The advice given to me was that once the schedule is set, don’t ever ask for adjustments to it. That opens the door to the other party not needing to follow it. Keep in mind how important the custody schedule is to your child, too.

Even with a 50/50 split in time, my son hated the back and forth of the schedule: Mondays/Tuesdays with mom, Wednesdays/Thursdays with dad, and alternating weekends to create a 5-day custody window regularly. This type of back and forth is hard enough on a child; start changing them because you want to go out with the girls only adds stress to an already stressful situation. Don’t misunderstand me, wanting to be with adult friends is good and important. But do your best to make that on your off days.

He fought two and a half years for joint custody and won. The first phone call I got from him the day after our divorce was finalized was to take his custody weekend because he was busy. That was the start of hundreds of declined and missed custody days.

When you don’t alter from the schedule, at least on your end, you can always go back to the schedule as your point of power. If my ex wanted to switch days, I’d say no but that I was happy to take or son if he didn’t have the time to watch him. I’d always simply say, I preferred to stick to the schedule and our regular planned activities. It was true whether it was set playdates or sports, I didn’t want to lose time with things my son valued and his father wasn’t likely to take him to.

Legal Custody and What That Means

Legal custody is the right to make decisions about how your kid will be raised. It gives a parent the right to choose things like schools, athletics, doctors and medical care, and can even define social activities or hobbies. It is possible to not have your child live in the house and still have legal custody – meaning your child can live with you full time but your ex may still have input and the rights to state how your child is raised.

My son was turning 16 with a car already waiting for him in the driveway. I hadn’t thought about the requirements before I tossed him the Hawaii driver’s education book. He was living with me 100% of the time yet we quickly realized that his dad would need to be there in person or get a liability waiver notarized because he still had 50% legal custody. The waiver never came and the car sits in the driveway waiting for its owner to become a licensed driver.

I can’t count the number of times that legal joint custody has created a problem in a choice I was making for my son, whether it was travel decisions or him getting his driver’s license. Co-parenting is a way to share the big decisions, but when you disagree it requires court action or simply no action as in the case of my son getting his driver’s license. It’s been a year and he’ll wait until he’s 18 to get his licenses despite being a responsible, A student.

Physical Custody and What that Means

Physical custody is simply where your child lives. You can have a co-parenting agreement where the child lives with one parent 100% and the other parent has 100% legal custody. While it is possible, the more likely scenario is shared custody of some sort. Physical custody does affect things like taxes. If you share 50% physical custody, make sure your court orders state who gets to claim the child on tax returns.

While my co-parenting agreement was originally 50% physical and legal custody, the orders stated that I could claim my child for taxes and thus get head of household rather than single. It helps save on taxes big time and not something you want to overlook.

“As your son gets older, he will dictate where he stays and for how long. Kids want to spend less time with their parents and more time with friends as they get older. Physical custody becomes less of an issue.”

That’s what my attorney told me as we discussed the outcome of the court case. At the time, my son was so young that the thought of the custody schedule one day not mattering was little solace to the fact that he wouldn’t be with me half of the time. Physical custody and custody schedules are one of the hardest parts of co-parenting.

Co-parenting Dos and Don’ts

It may seem simple, follow what the court order says and you’ll be in good shape. However, as detailed as the court order is, there are so many dynamics to a parenting plan that it gets hard to keep emotions in check if you are still healing from the divorce.

Co-parenting Dos

Here are some things to do when co-parenting to keep conflict down:

Follow the court order as much as possible including pick up times and scheduled days.
Give the other parent plenty of notice for doctors’ appointments, school meetings, or changes to the schedule.
Keep all formal communication to email or a co-parenting communication app so you have a record of what was said and when.
Be acutely aware of how your child is feeling irrespective of your own feelings.
Learn to use a non-accusatory or inflammatory tone. Be concise in communication and stick to the facts of what needs to be communicated.

Co-parenting Don’ts

Here are some things to avoid when co-parenting to keep conflict down:

Don’t forget your child’s best interest ALWAYS.
Avoid being demanding or accusatory to your ex; if there is a real problem regarding your child’s health and welfare, call your attorney or get a mediator.
Don’t assume you have any control over who your ex introduces to your child, disciplining them, when they let them go to bed, and what type of food they eat when not with you. Unless there is a dangerous or negligent situation, the courts don’t care if the eat McDonald’s every day when with your ex; they’re eating.
Don’t assume physical custody is in any way related to child support; even deadbeat dads are given rights to see their kids.

Dealing with Co-parenting Conflicts

It doesn’t matter how clearly you define a parenting plan, when you have two parties who don’t agree on how to raise a child you will have conflicts. Some may be innocent disagreements simply because you have strong but differing opinions about simple things like bedtime or what movies your child is allowed to watch. Other conflicts could simply become a means of control for one party or the other.

At the end of the day, you need to communicate with your child that what the rules in your house are exactly that. You must be prepared for the “fun parent” to get kudos from the kids for lax rules, if any. Whatever you do, be present in your child’s life when they are with you and don’t let the conflicts seep into your time. That becomes toxic parenting and can damage your relationship with your child, the person you are fighting so hard for.

When you realize and accept that you can’t control the other party in co-parenting and accept that parallel parenting is your best option (parallel parenting means the rules at your house are yours and the rules at your ex’s are theirs) you will find freedom. It doesn’t mean there won’t be times of frustration but you will begin to live your best life and your child will like how that looks and feels.

Find a place you can vent your frustrations. The Single Mommy Tribe is a private Facebook Group where you can vent, cry, laugh, and everything in between. Feel free to find us and join a group of like-minded women.

Single Mommy Dating Struggles

December 21, 2019/0 Comments/in Dating, Divorce, Personal /by kimberlee

Being a single mother navigating the world of single men is not an easy task. Dating, in general, is hard enough, but add to the mix your kids, their kids, and all that extra baggage of ex-spouses and you have a firework ready to pop. I’ve been single a long time, way too long to be honest, but for all the years I’ve been alone I haven’t been willing to change my deal breakers and how I choose a potential partner.

Most people don’t wait so long to get back in the saddle and find a boyfriend or girlfriend. At the same time, I know I’m not alone in choosing the road of raising children first and finding love later. If the time has come to be serious about finding a serious relationship, you really do need to be committed to trying. But what really goes into finding a someone ready for a committed relationship seeking a true life partner? Let’s delve into the world of single mommy dating…

Swipe Left or Right?

Unfortunately, dating has become a fast-food menu option – heck even fast food takes longer than the time most people spend on a dating profile. While meeting someone at a bar often starts with a physical attraction, there is also the opportunity to just have a conversation with people sitting near you. You get a flavor of their voice, their humor, even their intelligence, and interests. What football team they are cheering for if cheering at all.

But online dating profiles are strictly based on looks. Swipe right or left is purely a physical attraction. It’s the same for women and men. Like what you see and swipe right. Vice versa if you don’t like what you see. This is before you even get a sense of who they are. We’ve always hated that dating is marred with judgment on superficial traits, after all, isn’t it about being beautiful on the inside? Yet, we keep speeding up the process more and more.

For years, I’ve tried online dating in my search through potential partners. It’s been a painful process to say the least. Even the few times I thought I had a connection with someone and we were set to meet, they somehow found someone else at the last minute that was just quicker to the draw (or bed or whatever). It’s frustrating and demoralizing, to say the least.

Then you have to wonder if people are looking for a romantic partner or a significant other.

Romantic Partner Vs. Significant Other

Is there a difference between a romantic partner and a significant other? Some people might not think so while others will certainly say yes. This is part of the relationship value system you just don’t get to understand until you really get to know someone. The difference between the two is simple: romantic partners are fun to hop in the sack with and there is a lot of physical chemistry. A significant other is someone you can imagine raising children with and is much more than a great lay. While there are overlaps between the two: a romantic partner may be a great friend and a significant other is ideally someone you are physically attracted to, but we shouldn’t confuse the two when dating.

It doesn’t matter if you are doing the online dating thing, meeting people through friends, or picking up someone at a bar, look for signs that the person is ready for a serious relationship if that’s what you want and need. If you are a woman who wants a partner, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can give.

Signs that a man is ready for a committed relationship include:

He seeks to be around you
He doesn’t disappear for times
He talks about the future and makes plans with you
You can rely on him
He’s unguarded around you
You can be unguarded around him (yes, even the ugly cry is okay)
He listens and cares about what you say
He invites you to meet his family, friends, and do hobbies
He shares his passions

This isn’t an end-all list and certainly, there are some things that some men may never be good at. For example, some men need alone time and will take it. Vice versa, a single mother may always be a bit guarded – at least until there is a firm commitment. Everyone needs space and should be able to set healthy boundaries, but the more signs there are of a committed single man, the more confident you can be that he is serious about becoming a significant other and not just chatting before an interlude.

What Makes a Relationship Work

man and woman walking near Charleston building

While every relationship is different, time is precious and we need to understand what kind of relationship is healthy and meant for long-term thinking. The idea that there is one reason that is a magic secret sauce in a relationship is simply false. There are many things that become overarching themes in relationships that work.

Communication: Being able to communicate your wants, fears, feelings, desires, and needs are important and you also need to be able to hear and understand your partner’s. Successful married couples have strong communication skills.

Playfulness: A great relationship can make you feel like a child again because there is so much play happening. Being able to joke and be relaxed enough to be silly is a critical factor in many long-term relationships. When the play stops, it can mean something is wrong.

Interdependence: This means both individuals have their own identity but are able to work as a team and support each other in their lives whether married or not. Interdependence gives adults the best of independence and dependence on another human being.

Acknowledgment: Being able to say please and thank you for the little things (and big things) is imperative to not feeling as if you are being taken for granted. It’s nice to be appreciated and hear it when dinner is put on the table or the lawn is mowed. Give thanks and ideally, you get thanks in return as well.

Honesty: There is little doubt that men and women need to be honest with each other to have a strong marriage or relationship. But some serious relationships are just more honest than others. Being able to blurt out the truth and be totally accepted for it, no matter what is said is a big aspect of a healthy relationship.

You may attract a man where all of this isn’t readily apparent but with some work, you may find that you have found the boyfriend of your dreams. Toxic relationships won’t ever mature into a relationship with these components.

The Work of a Relationship

Relationships take work but they should also be a fun type of work if you are being rewarded with positive results. A single parent will have to arrange a babysitter, deal with an ex who may have an issue with the person you are dating, kids’ feelings of mom becoming romantically involved with someone, and the list goes on….

For someone like me, the work starts with getting out of my normal mom jeans, t-shirt, and baseball hat. It means taking the time to look my best which is time I generally don’t have. So the work starts in preparing for a date. Then there is the emotional work of being open while getting to know someone. That is followed by all the energy after a date wondering if you said every dumb thing you could have possibly said and if they think you are an absolute idiot. Talk about energy consumption.

But that work should be rewarded with butterflies of excitement when he calls and starts chatting away about anything and everything. That work should be rewarded with being told you look pretty. It should be rewarded with your kids liking him and being happy that mommy is a bit happier too.

Yet there are deal-breakers we need to all be aware of as they matter to us whether we admit it or not.

Deal Breakers

A deal-breaker is something that you can’t get past and accept. You might be okay with someone having a glass of wine with dinner at night but not willing to date someone who has two vodkas every night when they come home. Each person has a different list of deal-breakers and it will do you well to know what they are. I’m Catholic and my ex is Jewish. While this wasn’t a big deal while dating, it became a big deal for him when we got married and especially in raising our son. Where we had once agreed to do our own thing, he resented the Catholic traditions I brought into his Jewish home.

Deal breakers can include things like:

Religious or political incompatibility
Smoking, alcohol, or drug habits
Child raising values and practices
Lifestyle choices
Sexual incompatibility

On the flip side, for me, I know a new deal-breaker is athleticism. My ex-husband was not athletic at all and really disliked sports. While this isn’t a big deal to some degree, I love sports and being an athlete is something I identify with. I’d love my partner to share my love and passion for sports and be able to play them simply because it gives us more to do together, be playfully competitive with, and supportive in. It wasn’t a deal-breaker in my first marriage but it is one moving forward.

Think about what your deal breakers are and where you draw the line in the sand. The deal breakers should be fundamentals that you just can’t compromise on; if you try to, you’ll probably become resentful of the person which isn’t really fair since it’s your deal-breaker you compromised on.

Moving Forward

I’ve tried the online dating thing; I have several close friends happily married because of online dating platforms and I am happy for them. But the more I’m on dating sites, the less I feel it is for me. It doesn’t matter if it is a free or paid platform; they just don’t have great options for me. At the same time, friends remind me that I literally live on a rock and choices may be limited.

But I think it’s time for me to venture into hobbies where I can meet those with similar interests. That means joining a tennis league and maybe doing some improv classes. These are old passions that time hasn’t given me the joy of recently. But that’s the work I’ll need to do: get out, do things I love, and meet others who love the same types of things. Maybe then I’ll get out of the swipe right, swipe left rat race of a single mother scanning for unmarried single men.

Are you a single mom and want a place you can trust other single moms for support, laughter, venting, and ugly cries? We have the place for you in our Private Facebook Group.

Staying in a Toxic Relationship Impact on Kids

June 29, 2019/1 Comment/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Home Life, Parenting /by kimberlee

Many moms staying in a toxic relationship, marriage or otherwise, justify their own unhappiness and fears to keep a nuclear family together for the kids. The truth is that staying in a bad marriage or toxic relationship has a negative effect on kids. Kids see and hear just about everything, no matter how much we try to hide it.

There are many long-term effects that include learning negative patterning, depression, withdrawal, and isolation. If you are staying in a bad relationship for your children, as admirable as it might feel, it might not be the best for either or you in the long run.

Here are the main impacts your toxic relationship has on your children:

Fear of Intimacy

When children see mom and dad unable to maintain a healthy relationship, often with mom crying or dad yelling, they may fear getting close to others. This often starts with isolation behavior in social scenarios with peers and can grow into a fear of intimacy.

Children coming from toxic relationships will view intimacy as a way that people get hurt. In order to protect themselves, they reject any form of a close relationship. Even when they desperately want to be loved and in love, they will engage in relationships extremely guarded. As the relationship continues, they may replay what they say mom and dad do in arguments.

Learned Aggression

Children develop habits based on what they see. Boys (and girls) and see dad belittling or even physically harming mom will learn that this is the normal way couples interact. Kids who see mom cowering at the sound of dad’s keys in the door will feel they need to hide from those who supposedly love them.

These patterns are developed subconsciously and take a lot of work to undo. As a single mom raising a boy, the last thing you want is for him to raise his hand to you when he is getting punished. As a single mom of a girl, you want your daughter to feel strong enough to stand up for her feelings, safety, and happiness. This is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish when staying in a toxic relationship.

Undefined Sense of Self

Every parent knows that the mind of a child is very impressionable. The reason for this is that children are developing their sense of self, based on what they see and experience. Children want to be loved, have close friends, and explore their talents. However, children who live in a home where a toxic relationship is prevalent are constantly fighting their own inner dialogue and impulses.

They will get close to someone and then stop being friends without warning. In many cases, they will just end a relationship without an explanation. They will sabotage their success in school, art or sports. All this arises from watching mom and dad in constant conflict and the child’s emotional development is hindered.

Chronic Tension and Fear

No one likes to be in a room where two people are constantly fighting or not getting along. Even though a child is watching an external situation, the tension of the toxic relationship becomes an internalized issue. Some may never overcome the anxiety and fear that comes from growing up in a toxic relationship environment.

Children who experience chronic tension and fear will develop other neurotic tendencies, mental illness, and physical ailments. The most common effects of a bad relationship on kids are depression, chronic fatigue, despair, anxiety attacks and aggression.

Mood and Psychological Problems

Left untreated, chronic issues resulting from living in a toxic relationship will lead to other issues that can include mood disorders such as dysthymia. Dysthymia is a disorder where children (later adults) experience both highs and lows. It is similar to bipolar disorder but of a lesser degree.

Many children coming out of these types of situations will also turn to drugs, alcohol or sex abuse to find an escape. Some children may start cutting or potentially have suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

Reducing the Impact of Toxic Relationships on Kids

Reducing the impact of toxic relationships on kids starts with getting them out of a bad situation followed by the right type of support and counseling. Parents need to decide what the true cost of staying together is for their children in the long run.

Getting Out of the Toxic Relationship

Protecting your children is a top priority for moms. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, understand that you have options that will make everyone healthier. Some moms feel that if they aren’t in a physically abusive relationship, they should stick it out. This couldn’t be the furthest from the truth.

If you are getting yelled at, belittled, controlled, or otherwise emotionally abused you need to get out not just for you but also for your children. Both you and your children will be able to take a breath and regain the ability to see what healthy relationships are. It may take time and you will likely need some help.

Counseling For You And The Kids

If you are in or just got out of a toxic relationship, family counseling is a good idea. You can get counseling for you and your kids or, if resources allow for it, getting individual therapy may help you and your children have the space to really explore your feelings and develop new ways of thinking.

Support groups are another way to work through some of the daily issues you experience once you break free from a toxic relationship. Having a place where other single moms with similar experiences hang out and chat is a great way to build your network and support system. Knowing others have been where you are at and emerged on the other side is very empowering. Laugh, cry, vent and hug. A support group is a perfect place for you and your children to grow and get back to living in a positive and healthy way.

Looking for a safe space to make new friends? Check out the Single Mommy Tribe private Facebook Group.

man and woman sitting on opposite park bench sides breaking up

9 Reasons We Stay In Toxic Relationships

June 9, 2019/3 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

The question always arises whenever anyone sees a woman in a toxic relationship: why do you stay in a toxic relationship if you are unhappy? Unfortunately, the answer to the question of why we stay in toxic relationships is not as clear cut. Women remain in harmful, toxic relationships for a variety of reasons including fear or their partner, fear of the unknown, a desire to protect their children, and learned helplessness.

Mental health professionals often try to address both the fear and the self-worth issues a woman faces when trying to break free of a toxic relationship. Friends work hard to not only empower someone to leave, but provide a sense of safety. However, many women stuck in a toxic relationship feel isolated and alone, unsure about what the first step is and the resources available to them.

Toxic relationships can be mentally and physically abusive or could be something that holds a person back from finding true happiness, leading to despair or depression. Toxic relationships can happen with any friend or family member but are most damaging when they are a significant other who you have built a life with. Toxic relationship rob you of the emotional energy and strength to tackle life’s little problems let alone the major things that inevitably occur in life.

Here are nine reasons we stay in toxic relationships:

1. We Are Afraid Our Partner will retaliate

Fear of retaliation is a big reason women stay in a toxic and even abusive relationship. Women fear not just for their own safety, but for the safety of their children and other loved ones. Someone in an abusive relationship often protects their abuser even after being admitted in an emergency room to get treatment from wounds they received from them.

Threats and abusive actions give many women enough reason to think that they have no other choice but to stay and appease their abuser. The hope is to keep them at bay and not antagonize the situations to a point where the abuser will snap and go far more extreme than they already have. If you are in this type of a situation, there is help. Organizations such as Doorways in Virginia will help you find a safe place to stay and regain control of your life.

2. Being With Someone is Better Than Being Alone

No one wants to be alone and this can mean that we sometimes choose a bad situation rather than be alone. This was certainly a big factor to how I got into a bad relationship; 9-11 had just happened and I realized that there was more to life than career ambition and monetary goals. Because I was coming from a fearful state, I found myself easily swayed into a relationship by someone I previously rejected.

If you don’t feel that there is anyone else out there for you or anyone better than what you have, staying put seems like a good option. After all, why not wait until you have better prospects before venturing out on your own. However, your relationship isn’t a job that you should keep until you get a better offer. Staying in a toxic relationship because you are afraid to be alone or don’t have better prospects saps your energy and often your identity preventing you from finding your next better prospect.

3. The Unknown Is Scarier

The fear of the unknown is enough to keep many people stuck in life paralysis. There is no fight or flight activity but instead sitting to wait for someone to rescue you or God to take you. Seriously, the fear of the unknown means that things could be worse after you leave and this might have indeed been the “best you could ever hope for.”

Our brain is hardwired to protect us and if it can’t perceive something as being a better alternative, it will choose the survival mode for the current situation. You must find a way to override your mind to see that there is something bigger and better out there waiting.

4. Protecting Our Children is the Priority

Staying together for the kids is a big component of why women stay in a toxic relationship. Most of us look at our children and remember the promise we made to them when they were born (maybe even in our womb). A promise to do right by them and protect them is a common promise moms make and fear that they are breaking it if they leave.

The truth is that by staying in a toxic relationship, we encourage our children to continue the negative cycle of a dysfunctional relationship. They see us stay and start to believe that toxic is normal. Sons will develop unhealthy relationships with women and men. Daughters will not know that they can expect to be treated with love, respect, and kindness by men. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship teaches by example without any other input.

Realize that you can change how you keep that promise to do right by your children and protect them. Taking a leap to break out on your own and rebuild your life is a lesson sons and daughters can take many positive things from.

5. We Are Accustomed To Being Treated Badly

Learned helplessness is often one of the primary reasons women can get themselves to make a move out of a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Learned helplessness is a psychological condition created through trauma that leaves a person feeling powerless. It often leads to depression and low self-esteem.

Trauma in a relationship could come from a variety of situations such as physical abuse, the death of a loved one, unexpected pregnancy, an abortion, or another emotionally scarring event. Even if your partner is not responsible for the traumatic event, say for example if a woman has a miscarriage, his attitude and perhaps even manipulation of the situation compounds negative feelings. Learned helplessness can happen over extended periods of time but doesn’t always.

6. Unworthiness Overrides Our Desires for Joy

If we don’t see ourselves as worthy or having value, being confident or courageous to leave will be difficult. Women with worthiness issues are likely to be drawn into a toxic relationship that only sucks what little confidence and worth they have. When you are already criticizing yourself and allowing your self-talk to beat you down, taking it from someone else is a pretty simple transition.

Ultimately, until we can believe that we are worth someone being kind and caring to us, giving us compliments and doing nice things for us, we are not going to leave. It starts with changing our own self-talk.

7. Memories of Earlier Loving Ways

For many who were once deeply in love with their toxic partner, you may still have strong emotional feelings about that person. You think about the times early in the relationship when you became conditioned to associate this person with great feelings. There is a dissociation that happens between your current negative thoughts that should lead to negative feelings.

It’s understandable. You want the person you fell in love back or maybe you see moments that are glimmers of the way it used to be. If you still love your toxic partner, it will be hard to rationalize the negative things as being toxic. Often, women will justify things by saying, “No one is perfect. It’s just his way but he loves me.”

8. Manipulation of Our Emotions

When a toxic partner senses or is told that you are leaving, many types of manipulation is often employed to keep you. Manipulation can start with minor things such as emotional manipulation that could include public and private demeaning, belittling, and threatening actions. Your partner may take to social media with a picture that shames you to friends and family. Physical manipulation includes withholding affection or sex.

9. Don’t Know How

It’s a big step to leave a toxic relationship. Many women find themselves not sure what to do first after being with their partner for years, if not decades. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding work or child care. Sometimes women just don’t know how to overcome the emotions of taking that first step.

Moving Day: The Big Step

Having gone through this myself, I remember the day that I left with the million little details that happened. It’s like a movie that will never be erased in my mind. While I had finally gotten myself to a point of action, the entire day was wrought with fear, uncertainty and doubt.

I had one friend who could help me the day before I left to gather things and a friend to watch my son the day of. The actual move was my burden to bear, in part because I couldn’t muster the courage to ask anyone to be in a confrontational situation with me. The day ended with my completed exhausted in every manner: physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

But, when I got the kitchen unpacked the next day and made my son his first meal in our new home, a new sense of self emerged. There was pride, that no matter how tiny and simple our home was, it was ours. It was the start of me becoming the mother in a new way; being emotionally free to love.

Get Yourself Ready To Get Out

Maybe you want to leave; maybe you know you need to or want to help a friend find security, safety and joy. It starts with doing the work that will help you realize that you are going to be safe and okay. That first step may be the most difficult thing you ever do, but once you are standing on your own two feet in your own space, you will realize just how capable you are.

Learn to take control back over your life with the book, Stay At Home Single Mom today!

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Dating, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

There are a few days every year that really make you feel single. No doubt that the biggest culprit is Valentine’s Day. To make our single souls feel better, someone decided to dub the day of love as Single’s Awareness Day. Are you serious? If there is any day that should not be used to celebrate the strength of solo men and women everywhere, it is the day after Valentine’s Day.

Go ahead and call my Cupid’s Scrooge. It’s okay. I’ll wear that badge with pride because you can’t make a pie out of cow patties and call it old fashioned apple pie. Nope, nope and nope.

The Delusion of Singles Awareness Day

First of all, no one can decide if you celebrate this holiday on Valentine’s Day to spite all in love or party it up the next day. Seriously people. Are we that delusional that we need to pretend that Valentine’s Day is something other than the day of love?

Where teenage girls get giddy because that boy kissed her.

Where newlyweds burn everything while making that dinner where the thought that counts and they weren’t really going to eat the food anyways.

Where couples who have 50 years together find that one special chocolate candy the other has always loved.

We should be celebrating love and look for all the places we have it in our lives. Don’t all those mindset coaches tell us to put out there what we want to attract? Well if we celebrate being alone, isn’t that what we will attract? Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem embracing my strength as a single mom. Been doing it for 14+ years and am in no rush.

But to fall in love…. I’ll hold on to that dream.

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Admit It: You Are Alone

You won’t find me out with all my other single girlfriends throwing some grand party celebrating our independence on Valentine’s Day. I’ll be home, having another average dinner with my son wondering if he got asked by anyone to be her Valentine. Not that he would admit it, but it’s nice to think he did.

I don’t want to dilute Valentine’s Day. If I went out, it would be one great big reminder that everyone around us was in love, pretending to be in love or hoping love would spark through this romantic evening. As the hopeless romantic that I still dream about becoming, I don’t want to be the person accidentally sending side-eyed glances in disdain to the happy couple next to me.

Yes, I Said I’m a Hopeless Romantic

Don’t let the rumors hit you in the butt on the way out. I don’t want to celebrate being single on Valentine’s Day. And I don’t want to be around everyone in love either. I want to be home, watching sappy love stories on television after dinner – yes, I’ll probably get some indulgent dessert. I want to dream that love is still possible even for a curmudgeon like me.

There is no question that my return trip to the world of the living lovers has stalled. In fact, it could probably use a tow to the nearest single’s bar. After a divorce, single moms often make tough choices. For me, it was refraining from the dating scene until I got my own life together again and wasn’t concerned with falling into the shit-storm I had when married. For that, I have no regrets.

My Valentine’s Day Mantra

You see, many single men and women watch others in love and think about the love they lost. They sit and ask themselves, “Why me? How did all this happen?” Anyone who knows even the superficial me knows I have no room for the victim mentality in my life. Yet, Valentine’s Day has me ponder, “Why not me?” It’s a subtle difference but one of curiosity, not victimization.

I’m not exactly ugly. I’ve got a great career. I’m smart and actually can make someone snarf a drink with a well-timed joke. Meaning I’m confident enough to say, “I’m not a total loser.” Just a moderate one… at least when it comes to love.

Why Vs Why Not

You see, thinking of things in terms of the why me mode is looking backward at what happened and the negative things that led to a void in my life right now. But when I think of why not me, I find myself reminded of the choices I have made to be a mom first, build a career second and then open myself to love whenever (as you can see, it hasn’t developed a strong plan).

One day with everyone else celebrating might be hard, but it doesn’t change my choices or my perspective. In fact, it gives me hope. Because I know that if I made one choice for certain reasons and succeeded in my goals, that making another choice and putting forth the energy will also yield to results.

Because I am smart … and funny … and successful … and a good mother. And overall, I think I’m a pretty good person who strives to build other people up and help them be better versions of who they want to be. Oh, and I’m not ugly.

Why Not Appreciate Singles’ Awareness Day?

Look, I am no one to judge anyone for finding a way to not be depressed on a day like Valentine’s Day. For those who are recently single, struggling to get over the deep emotional struggles, being around your best single pals can be empowering. I get it.

For me, I don’t want to change my hope and belief that Cupid, with those stinking flimsy little arrows of his, might do me a favor and rapid fire 50 at me to see what sticks. I don’t want to be so appreciative of being single that I forget to look for or be open to love.

Laugh, I know. For a girl who hasn’t seemed to care about dating or falling in love, just remember that I am a sappy romantic. who cries at Hallmark commercials and gets a little warm feeling when I see a 70-year-old man open the door for his wife with a little extra pep because he is happy and in love.

I’m not ashamed to say it. I’d love to be in love like that. And I don’t want to be too appreciative on Single’s Awareness Day that I don’t actively seek greater love in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day from this curmudgeon. If anyone needs an ear, I’m here. While I won’t make it about Single’s Awareness Day, I will always be willing to support those who need just someone to listen and laugh with.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

April 13, 2019/0 Comments/in Co-Parenting, Divorce, Parenting /by kimberlee

Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

Most days, if the phrase, “moms raising boys” hits the news there either is a school shooting, reviews of gang violence or other youth violence. Troubled boys without a father-figure in their lives is often a primary topic of concern. Some call it an epidemic resulting from boys not having a dad or positive male role model in the picture. As a single mom of a son, my concerns are the same as any parent.

How do I raise a good child who becomes a healthy man capable of contributing to this world, being compassionate and at the same time strong in his own character with good manners and independence?

No matter whether you have a boy or girl and are a single mom or single dad, single-parent homes pose challenges.

The Role of Dads in Boys Upbringing

Fathers play an important role in the development of both boys and girls. When it comes to sons, fathers don’t just teach them about using tools, shaving or asking that first girl out on a date. Fathers set the tone for how men interact with other men, how they treat women and deal with adversity. The monkey see monkey do theory applies very strongly.

Most of what a boy learns from his father is unsaid. He observes traits, actions and thought patterns that either leads him to want to be just like his dad or nothing like his father. In recent decades, parental roles have shifted. Where female roles were primarily nurturing caregivers and male duties were providers and disciplinarians, parents today often seem to blend tasks and parental duties. Yet, boys still get something from fathers that they don’t get from the women in their live.

When Dad Isn’t Around or Isn’t a Positive Role Model

Just because we are moms and dads doesn’t make us great or even good parents. Raising children is hard. Having the strength and wisdom to be better every day, spending time with our children requires constant self-reflection. As it was once expressed to me, “the fact that someone cares enough to question whether they are doing right or wrong for their child elevates them as a parent.”

This happened to resonate with me (and make me feel better for all the mistakes I feel I constantly make as a single parent and as a mom in general). There was a point after my divorce that my son refused to go to his dad’s. School and police didn’t force the issue feeling my son had a compelling enough story he could articulate that was his reason for not going. I suggested to his father to go to family therapy to fix the rift between them.

Then it all started; weekly therapy sessions with my son and my ex-husband.

I have been accused by my ex over the years of trying to poison my son’s mind about his father. My relationship with my son is strong and it is none existent with his dad. My ex’s argument is out son has a mother and a father and that’s simply the way it is. He (my ex-husband) for years was intent on defending his rights but never once stopped to reflect on his actions.

One lesson I happen to recall from physics is that for every action there is a reaction.

Not Every Dad Should Be the Primary Male Role Model

There! I said it. Just being a dad doesn’t make you a great role model. I don’t deny biological fathers’ rights. Nor do I think this is exclusively a dad issues. There are lots of moms not well-suited to rear and raise children.

Anyone who knows me knows the value I place on family. At the same time, we need to recognize the people in our lives who might be toxic to our mental health. When it comes to my son and his father, I’ll always recognize my ex as my son’s father. At the same time, I don’t think every father (or parent) is good for their children.

Being Able to Teach Ourselves As We Go

Don’t read into that statement the bling I feel parents need to be perfect. I am far from perfect. With that said, I spend a lot of time reflecting on my actions, apologizing if I jumped the gun on something and consulting other parents and experts when I am uncertain about something. Refusing to recognize your impact to your child’s long-term mental health is a big problem.

That doesn’t mean being a single mom is the best answer but for me was a better one. The question becomes: how to give my son the male role models he craves in a healthy way?

Moms can’t be that masculine figure. Heck, I’m as tom-boy as they get but realize I cannot cultivate the masculine essence of a young man by myself. Single moms face serious challenges in this area. Male role models and mentors fill the gaps of what a home without a dad.

New Men in Mom’s Life

When single moms start dating, the male role model isn’t an automatic given. Boys if single moms become fiercely protective of their moms. They can resent a new man even if he is a great person. While they want Mom to be happy, they seem to always proceed with caution.

When my son was in elementary school. We started spending a lot of time at the municipal airport. He loved being in the hangar with the guys and was welcomed into the club. They robbed him, taught him about rebuilding and maintaining old warbirds. He talked story with WWII vets and occasionally had the chance to take a backseat.

He loved all the guys there and I moved that he had great role models. When one of the guys asked us out for Sunday brunch, my son was pretty savvy to what was going on. Even though he knew and really liked the guy, he became a human barrier between me and the proposed suitor. Did I say he knew and liked the guy? He just didn’t want anyone putting their mitts on his mom.

The Revolving Door

The other issue that arises when mom gets a new man in her life is the potential for that to be a revolving door. Let’s face it, we don’t always make the best decisions in love – there’s a reason we aren’t with our son’s father. Constantly exposing your son to the new guy leads to a host of issues. The instability often results in behavioral issues, emotional well-being and anxiety issues, as well as negatively effects cognitive achievement and function.

It’s better for a single mom to date discreetly until she is confident she has found someone worth pursuing with a long-term relationship. This can be hard when a single mom wants to balance everything with limited time and perhaps limited resources for child care.

Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms

A big question for society becomes where do boys of single moms get the proper guidance and comradery with adult male role models? I don’t know a single mom of a boy who doesn’t actively think about and seek out ways to get positive male influencers in his life. Finding male role models for kids of single moms often starts within your own network.

Family and Friends

Many single women can find great role models for their sons close to home. If your son is able to spend time with Grandpa or an uncle or adult cousin, these are often great ways to not just have your son spend time with someone as he develops his manhood, it also keeps the concept of family unity in place.

This isn’t always possible. In my case, my closest family was 2,300 miles away across the Pacific Ocean. Moving wasn’t an option at the time. I always felt great when spending time at a friends house with the kids and her husband would take my son to show him projects in the garage or offer to help with a school project. Not only did my son get to spend time with a great man, he also got to see how great dads interact with their children that is critical.

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Church and Youth Groups

Churches and youth groups including The Big Brother programs are great ways to not just meet more people and expand your single parenting network, the help kids find mentors and positive role models. Talk to the pastor or youth coordinator about finding a program your child will enjoy and be exposed to great male leaders.

Sports and Recreation Activities

Sports and recreation activities are probably the primary way single moms help their boys find positive role models. Coaches often push kids, help them establish discipline and keep them in check with manners. Coaches positively change the lives of kids every single day and it’s a great way to get some time to get dinner ready uninterrupted.

My son wasn’t really into sports. His aviation interest was his recreation and we were lucky to find a group that adopted us as their own. I had no aviation experience. People would ask why I spent entire weekends getting greasy and doing grunt work in a small hangar. It was to help earn my keep, really my son’s place in the crowd. Sure, he did his part and that was the deal. His interest was aviation and I was going to foster it any way I could.

The Lesson I Learned Because I Didn’t Over-Mother

He was 8-years-old when he started helping around the hangar. I’d actually dismiss myself when possible to not be the “mom” hanging around. I’d stay close in case there was a problem. After about an hour, my son came in totally ecstatic, “Mom, Stu gave me a job and I did the whole thing.” The job was to use a razor blade to scrape off old labels on a parts drawer and my son’s hands had more than one oops cut, though nothing major.

With a deep breath, I smiled, checked his hands and said, “Wow, what’s the next job?” I knew I would have never let my son fiddle with a razor at age 8. But, I also knew Stu had an eye on him. My son was as proud of himself as I had ever seen. It was a gut check for me. Men challenge young men to do masculine things, to step into manhood. I would have mothered him and found a safer task.

All I can recommend to other single moms is spend time with your sons and daughters. Learn what makes them tick and be open to knowing you can’t be everything for them. Find them mentors in things they love and they will find their role models naturally.

It’s still scary. I have a teenage son and am watching him get ready to leave the nest. But no one needs to feel like they are part of the epidemic. Our boys can thrive. We will make certain of that.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Explaining the Custody Order to Your Child

Finding the New “Normal”

Helping Them See Their Value While You Rediscover Yours

Monthly Budget as a Single Mom

Single Parent Careers

Employee or Business Owner

Finding an Understanding Boss

The Entrepreneur’s Life

Single Mom Caring for Kids

When Kids Are Sick

School Activities and The Single Mom

Balancing It All As a Single Mom

The Stress of Single Parenting

Finding a Tribe

Choosing a Support Group

Kid-Aged Support Groups

Activity-Based Support Groups

Therapy-Based Support Groups

Balanced Life Goals

The Decision to Go Back to School (or Open a Business)

Finding Grants for Single Moms

Applying for Grants

Financial Aid and Student Loans

Your Tribe There to Help

Getting Through a Difficult Divorce

Setting a Custody Schedule

Legal Custody and What That Means

Physical Custody and What that Means

Co-parenting Dos and Don’ts

Co-parenting Dos

Co-parenting Don’ts

Dealing with Co-parenting Conflicts

Swipe Left or Right?

Romantic Partner Vs. Significant Other

What Makes a Relationship Work

The Work of a Relationship

Deal Breakers

Moving Forward

Fear of Intimacy

Learned Aggression

Undefined Sense of Self

Chronic Tension and Fear

Mood and Psychological Problems

Reducing the Impact of Toxic Relationships on Kids

Getting Out of the Toxic Relationship

Counseling For You And The Kids

1. We Are Afraid Our Partner will retaliate

2. Being With Someone is Better Than Being Alone

3. The Unknown Is Scarier

4. Protecting Our Children is the Priority

5. We Are Accustomed To Being Treated Badly

6. Unworthiness Overrides Our Desires for Joy

7. Memories of Earlier Loving Ways

8. Manipulation of Our Emotions

9. Don’t Know How

Moving Day: The Big Step

Get Yourself Ready To Get Out

Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

The Delusion of Singles Awareness Day

Admit It: You Are Alone

Yes, I Said I’m a Hopeless Romantic

My Valentine’s Day Mantra

Why Vs Why Not

Why Not Appreciate Singles’ Awareness Day?

Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

The Role of Dads in Boys Upbringing

When Dad Isn’t Around or Isn’t a Positive Role Model

Not Every Dad Should Be the Primary Male Role Model

Being Able to Teach Ourselves As We Go

New Men in Mom’s Life

The Revolving Door

Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms

Family and Friends

Church and Youth Groups

Sports and Recreation Activities

The Lesson I Learned Because I Didn’t Over-Mother

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