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How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

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Divorce is never an easy thing, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist. And having kids in the mix makes it even more difficult. You are leaving the relationship to protect yourself and your kid, but that doesn’t always mean your kids will understand what’s going on. How do you figure out how to talk to kids about divorce?

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Every kid will react differently to the situation and the eventual separation of parents. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, some kids may become angry or act out, others may develop greater separation anxieties, and some may ask where the other parent is. All of these are normal responses to the divorce.

There are a few things you can do though. One of the vital things you can do to help your kids is to reassure them that the divorce was not their fault. Tell them this was about you and their dad, that things needed to change for the benefit of everyone. But make sure they know that both parents still love and care about them.

Depending on the maturity of the kid and the current turmoil at home, your kids might notice the unhappiness going on. They may see that there is constant fighting between you and your spouse. Or they could be picking up on how degrading and abusive one parent is being to the other. In these situations, telling them may bring more understanding and a level of relief than you think.

Explaining the Custody Order to Your Child

Part of your divorce will be a custody order. There are two main types of custody orders that will be addressed during court proceedings: physical and legal. A physical custody order tells where each child lives, with which parent, and on what days. Legal custody orders specify which parent gets to make decisions about what happens to the child.

Physical custody orders can vary greatly depending on the situation. The court can award joint custody meaning the child spends 50% of their time with each parent. If the child is staying with one parent more than 50% of the time they are the custodial parent with the other parent getting visitation rights with the child.

Some physical custody arrangements can be spending six months living with one parent then six months with the other parent. Another scenario might be one parent having the kids a couple of nights of the week while the other parent gets them the other two nights and on alternating weekends and holidays. What the physical custody order looks like depends on the agreement reached between you and your ex-spouse.

Legal custody orders consist of things like where you send your child to school, daycare, religious affiliations, etc. It is possible to have sole or majority of the physical custody and still share legal custody 50/50.

As you begin going through this process, don’t dump all the details onto your child. If they are really little simply reassure them that even though things are changing, you love them and so does your spouse. Kids that are old enough to process some of the changes going on can be told about the arrangements. Keep it simple and to the facts about who they will stay with, when, and where.

Finding the New “Normal”

After the dust has settled, its time to help your kids find the new normal. This comes through lots of love, nurture, and routines. Don’t necessarily expect your ex-spouse to follow your expectations and parenting demands. What they do depends upon the agreement you made.

If you agreed to co-parent you will both work together to set the rules for your child. You will have to decide through talking or some other communication what bedtime, meals, and everyday routines will be regardless of which parent has them.

In some cases, such as divorcing a narcissist, co-parenting may not be the best option. In this case, you can try parallel parenting. When you parallel parent, big decisions such as medical ones, will usually still be made by both parents. But everyday parenting decisions such as meals and bedtime routine will be made by each parent individually. So you may do things differently than your ex-spouse.

However, you decide to parent following the divorce, talk to your kids about the new changes. If you are parallel parenting, let them know that when they are with their dad things will be different than when they are with you. Tell them what your expectations are when they are staying with you and stick to it. 

Helping Them See Their Value While You Rediscover Yours

As you work through figuring out how to talk to kids about divorce, you will not just need to explain what’s happening but also reassure them of their value. You have likely been robbed of any feelings of being valued for quite some time if you are divorcing a narcissist. Take time to once again rediscover your identity and value in life.

One thing to keep in mind even though it won’t be easy, your kids are adjusting to the new family situation. It might be difficult for them but with love and reassurance, they can still grow to be healthy, happy adults.

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Single Mom Jobs: Working for Yourself or Someone Else

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If you’ve seen my book or heard me speak, you know I am all about helping to empower single moms to find jobs that will not just provide a good livelihood for their families, but will give them fulfillment and time to spend with their kids. I don’t know about you, but when I became a mom everything changed and while I am still a very goal-driven person, my desire to be “mom first” superseded everything.

Being able to find a career that serves your financial needs is so important. Beyond that, we have to find careers that understand that we want to make a field trip or help throw the class party. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you can’t provide financially and still be there for your kids.

I managed to do this as a writer, working from home on my own schedule and on my own terms. There are so many opportunities like this in the gig economy. Then there are flexible jobs that you can get paid benefits at as well. It’s up to you as a mom to determine exactly what the best route is for you and your family. Here are some things to consider and places to look for that perfect single mom job. 

Monthly Budget as a Single Mom

Raising kids isn’t cheap. As a single mom, you’re often the sole provider making sure they have a good place to live, ample food on the table, and all the extra little things that makes childhood amazing. You also need to make sure you have medical care and are ideally planning for your own retirement to one day enjoy a break or two.

Understanding your monthly budget means having the honest talk with yourself about what your necessities are and what you really want. Everyone wants to make more money, have nice things, and go on more vacations. But you have to understand what you are willing to give up at times to get certain things. For me, while we lived in a good neighborhood and had nice things, I didn’t make the type of money I was probably capable of for many years simply because it would have taken time away from raising my son. That was a personal choice.

I knew what my monthly budget was to afford the lifestyle I wanted to give my son. It wasn’t bare minimum but it wasn’t everything I couldn’t have made. The tradeoff: I was there every day after school to see him, didn’t miss a field trip, and could take him to any after school activity without a hiccup. For me, my budget was a middle-of-the-road budget that fulfilled my monetary needs and mom desires.

Sit down and determine your budget to see exactly what you need and what you really want. 

Single Parent Careers

Of course, there is no career that is labelled “single parent careers.” In fact, one would argue that all parents want the same good money with the flexibility of time that single moms want. The difference is that single moms often have a bigger burden of trying to deal with sick kids without extra help or manage unforeseen things without a shoulder of support. For me, flexibility was that much more important to me as a single mom than as a married mom.

The key thing is to remember that we are only limited by our own goals and beliefs. Going to work for long hours away from your child isn’t enticing for many single moms no matter how much money there is involved. Of course, you want to provide the best but that life balance is critical.

Some great jobs for a single mom to consider include:

  • Freelance anything: Writers web designers, and graphic designers are in demand and make a great living from home.
  • Teacher: Educators often work the same hours as when the kids are in school. This is especially ideal if you are able to teach at the same school that your child attends. 
  • Sales: Great sales positions provide excellent commissions with benefits but a flexible schedule. Managers are often most concerned with sales numbers, not office hours. 
  • Daycare: Nanny, babysitter, and daycare providers are often able to care for their own kids while getting paid to care for others. 
  • Network marketing: Don’t scoff at network marketers. More women are making more money and maintaining a great social support system at the same time. 

Employee or Business Owner

More and more single moms are going into business for themselves. This could be freelancing from home with a toddler on your lap as I started out years ago or opening an insurance agency (which I also later did when my son was older). Both allowed me strong control over my schedule, each with their own financial opportunities. 

But not every mom wants to be in business for herself and there is nothing wrong with that. Having a reliable paycheck with set benefits and vacation time has a lot to be said for it. Figure out what you feel best suits you and make your decisions from there. You don’t need to do what everyone else is doing; this is about you and your family.

Finding an Understanding Boss

If you choose to get a job, make sure you are comfortable with how the boss views your role as a single mom. Of course, you don’t want to walk into an interview stating that you need to be able to get the day off if your child is sick, but you can get an idea of how understanding a boss might be with flexible scheduling.

Most employers want you to be your best when in the office and many will even allow you to take work home where pertinent if you have to take care of a sick child occasionally. You can get a sense of whether a boss if understanding or not when you ask them about their own children or talk to others in the office while waiting for an interview. 

The Entrepreneur’s Life

If you decide that you want to control your own destiny and go into business for yourself, the sky is the limit. With so many ways to start a business, many of which allow you to work from home, there isn’t a reason for a single mom wanting her own business to be successful. Find something you are passionate about and get a mentor to help guide you. I’ve coached many single moms on starting a writing career; it actually helps me find great talent to outsource extra work to. 

Single Mom Caring for Kids

Here’s the thing, caring for kids is either done by you for free or by someone else you pay. Unless grandma is retired and able to watch the kids, you probably don’t have free child care. This includes time after school. When making that budget and determining your overall costs, factor in what childcare expenses you will have. These are above other expenses like art classes or sports. Then, of course, there is the college planning roadtrip that you’d love to have when they are older.

When Kids Are Sick

Whether you work for someone else or work for yourself, you will find that sick kids are a normal part of parenting. Having a set plan in place for the days your kid can’t go to school (or you get a call from the school to pick them up). Some single moms are a little luckier than others with family close by to help. Others keep a babysitting fund available just in case.

Either way, have a plan. You don’t want to miss too many days of work because school is a petri dish and kids are always sick. At the same time, if you work for yourself, the work still needs to get done. Sick days don’t really happen for the self-employed. You know the kids will be sick at some point so have a plan even if that is making an agreement with a friend or family member to help you out for part of the day. 

School Activities and The Single Mom

Being a freelance writer meant I never missed a school or afterschool activity. That was important to me. When getting back to work as a single mom, figure out what activities are most important to you to attend and plan for it. This might mean putting your name on the chaperone list for a specific field trip well in advance or making sure your schedule allows you to make all Friday basketball games. 

Kids will adapt to your schedule but do appreciate mom being around. Include them on which events are most important for them to have you at. Plan as a family to make the most of your schedule and time off. 

Balancing It All As a Single Mom

I’ve heard it said that you can have it all, just not all of it at the same time. This means setting priorities to make sure the most important things are done, paid for, or attended. Only you can do this. In the process, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. It can be easy to forget about self-care when you’re working so hard to be present for your kids and make a living. 

Find a support system that lets you vent and lifts you up for everything you are doing. Remember, it can seem easy for society to put you down for what you can or can’t do. Only you know what your priorities are; no one else lives in your shoes. It doesn’t matter if you return to the workforce to do something you did prior to kids or start something new. Just make sure your single mom job aligns with your single mom priorities. Everything else will fall into place.

If you need a group of women who just get it, join the Single Mommy Tribe. We love to laugh but embrace a good cry too. And if you are looking for a way to break into freelancing, check out my book, Stay At Home Single Mom. I’d love to show you how to avoid the mistakes I made.

stay at home single mom book cover
single moms supporting each other

Single Mom Support Groups: What To Look For

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As a single mom raising a son, I know the isolation that can happen when you are doing your best to balance it all. You can be surrounded by a group of loving friends, but it’s hard to find that group that truly relates to your situation. The last thing you want is for people to feel sorry for you. Instead, you want a group where you can vent and really be heard. It’s why I created the Single Mommy Tribe, a private online single mom support group. 

The Stress of Single Parenting

Single parents juggle it all from making the money to keep the household afloat to every aspect of discipline and entertainment. The balancing act leads to extra stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and often depression or feelings of isolation. Many single parents are also concerned about finding the right role models, either male or female, to offer positive influences on the kids as they grow up.

As a single mom, there are simply things that I can’t teach or show my son. The same is true for single dads raising girls. It’s not as easy one would think to find the right role models that you trust with your child’s upbringing, after all, they likely have already been dealt a bad deck with mom and dad not being together. Extra care and concern is natural. And while family is a natural surrogate, it isn’t always feasible when families live hundreds or thousands of miles away as was the case for my son. 

Finding a Tribe

I never found a great tribe early in my divorce. That isn’t to say I didn’t have friends who supported me, took me out to have drinks, and listened to what was probably incessant venting. I thank God for them but the truth is I was the first in our Moms Club to get a divorce. For whatever reason, the other single moms I’d run into at school had completely opposite schedules than me.

The one place I did find solace was an online chat room, long before Facebook created groups and messenger. I’d show up there for hours and made friends from around the world, all struggling with breakups, but at different parts of the journey. Not everyone was a parent, but everyone was dealing with divorce – usually an ugly one of some sort. Today you can Google or find online and local support groups where you can have a place to share with people who are or have gone through something similar.

single definition pillow

Choosing a Support Group

Be selective about choosing a support group. You don’t need to attend one just because it’s there and for single moms. You have to feel like you belong and the people there are ready to offer you love and support. Sometimes these groups do collective things with the kids; that means your child must feel comfortable with the people there too. You may find a co-ed single parent group such as Parents Without Partners or be more comfortable with only single mothers. Test the waters to find out.

A supportive environment is critical to making you feel comfortable and trust that what you share is not going to leave the group or be criticized. As the years have gone by, I’ve found more single moms and certainly have a little tribe that I can vent to though we aren’t an official support group. We’re just single mothers who have found each other and can relate. Some I see more frequently than others, but all are considered part of my community and tribe. 

Kid-Aged Support Groups

As single mothers, the feeling of isolation is normal. But we must also consider the isolation our children may feel at times. I know there were family parties we didn’t get invited to because we were only a part family. It’s weird to be the fifth wheel and people don’t do it intentionally, but it happens. And while we mothers can understand it, our children miss out on playing with their tribe at times and can feel singled out.

When you find a good real life support group (not online), you may consider one that has kid-aged activities with moms. This not only provides you with the emotional support you need, but gives your children other kids that relate to them. It can also make for great exchange times where you can swap watching the kids so you can get some ever-needed “me time.” Remember that a community is needed to raise kids and a group where you are able to gather as a family without feeling like a fifth wheel is important.

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Activity-Based Support Groups

Activity-based support groups can be a fun way to get out of your comfort zone. This type of community schedules regular activities such as hikes, spa days, and even rock climbing. One of the most empowering things single mothers can do is to find ways to succeed out of their comfort zone. That sounds like it is really a daily life goal and it is; everything is somewhat uncomfortable as a single mom on most days.

But if you want a group that will challenge you to rise to the occasion and reap the benefits of confidence from it, find an activity-based support group. Taking the time to do fun or challenging activities will show you that you have more strength than you realized. My son became really active in mountaineering and rock climbing. I’m afraid of heights yet I found myself rappelling down 100-foot waterfalls to be an active part of his life. Not only did it help us bond, it helped me overcome mental challenges I faced. 

Therapy-Based Support Groups

Therapy-based support groups are a great way to save money on therapy for yourself during difficult single mom times, meet people struggling as well, and find the psychological resources to get out of the muck. You can often find therapy-based support groups through local churches or community centers. Some family therapists also advertise groups or workshops for single parents.

This isn’t the type of group that goes out to the park for the day, but you may find one or two people in the group that you really relate to and gel with. Don’t hesitate to take the friendship outside the group and grab coffee with the kids. In the group, you can get the emotional tools needed to grow while building positive relationships outside of the group.  

Balanced Life Goals

When you get divorced, imbalance is the first thing that happens. It takes time and work to rebuild the life that you want. It might not look like the life you dreamt of before you got a divorce simply because marriage didn’t work out and now you’re a single mom. However, you can find a fulfilling life if you focus on your priorities and goals. Building the life that you want starts with setting your priorities first.

For me, it was a huge priority to build a career and buy a home for my son. This took time and the reality is I didn’t prioritize dating because I wasn’t where I wanted to be personally. Every time I stepped into the dating world, it felt like someone wanted to come in and rescue me and my son. That didn’t feel empowering. Now that my son is older and my career is doing fine and we have a nice home in Hawaii, my priorities are changing.

My single mom tribe, my community is there to help me stay focused on what is important and what is just the noise of the world. Everyone heals in their own time and there are parts of you that may heal faster than others. Realize that and rely on your community to support you emotionally as you grow. Keep in mind that support groups are there to help you grow, venting is okay when something is fresh, but if your tribe isn’t helping you grow, seek out a new one.

The Single Mommy Tribe is a private Facebook Group where we allow venting, offer resources, and support single moms in their growth. We are a group from around the world who are at different stages of healing. Some are remarried for years while others are fresh in the throws of separation and custody issues. Join us so we can help support you.

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Get this book today to get a stay-at-home career while raising the kids.
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Co-parenting and Divorce Dos and Don’ts

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Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard, but co-parenting with a toxic ex can draw the burden of emotional abuse on for indefinite periods of time. Courts expect everyone to get along, but trying to reach agreements or have existing agreements maintained is nearly impossible with a toxic ex who insists on using the situation to maintain a power edge over you.

We were at Disneyland with a group of other moms. It was supposed to be a day to relax and enjoy time with my son and our friends. Of course, a message came through from my attorney. After nearly two years, there were still accusations being thrown by my ex. So much for a day at the Happiest Place on Earth.

disneyland at night

Everything becomes a trigger when co-parenting with a toxic ex. My therapist had already explained to me the concept of crazy-making and much of what my ex did was just that. Even being on my own, I was still in a bad situation because my ex wasn’t interested in co-parenting, he was only interested in gaining an advantage where he could. He wanted things the way he wanted them when he wanted them.

That didn’t matter if it was a change in the schedule he wanted for the holidays, he’d simply say it was his holiday even when the court order clearly stated otherwise. Accusing me of being a negligent mother because my son wore a scarf knit by my grandmother around his neck, my ex claiming it was a choking hazard. 

Getting Through a Difficult Divorce

Getting divorced with a toxic ex starts with setting your real set of boundaries. This can be hard because you may be emotionally torn for a variety of reasons: a broken heart, wanting to protect your child, or wanting to believe they will agree when there are lawyers and judges involved. A difficult divorce is one that even the smallest of things can’t be agreed upon.

My son and I were finally in our new home, small but ours. My ex insisted on coming over to assess Matthew’s living arrangements. I shouldn’t have let him, but I felt I didn’t have anything to hide. On my list was a washer and dryer for the garage. My ex offered to get it for us. Three months later he demanded repayment for something he willingly gave me. There was no way to prove what he said.

Divorce can take a long time when conflicts exists and conflict will almost always exist with a toxic ex. Everything you say will be refuted, every accusation about you will be made, every opportunity to argue will be made. When you try to ignore the craziness, you’ll be accused of ignoring the situation. My divorce process was my life for two and a half years. I thought co-parenting would be easier once the case was settled and we were officially divorced.

wall mural of girl letting heart balloon go

Setting a Custody Schedule

Getting a custody schedule in order as soon as possible will be the first thing you need to do to co-parent with a toxic ex. The advice given to me was that once the schedule is set, don’t ever ask for adjustments to it. That opens the door to the other party not needing to follow it. Keep in mind how important the custody schedule is to your child, too.

Even with a 50/50 split in time, my son hated the back and forth of the schedule: Mondays/Tuesdays with mom, Wednesdays/Thursdays with dad, and alternating weekends to create a 5-day custody window regularly. This type of back and forth is hard enough on a child; start changing them because you want to go out with the girls only adds stress to an already stressful situation. Don’t misunderstand me, wanting to be with adult friends is good and important. But do your best to make that on your off days.

He fought two and a half years for joint custody and won. The first phone call I got from him the day after our divorce was finalized was to take his custody weekend because he was busy. That was the start of hundreds of declined and missed custody days.

When you don’t alter from the schedule, at least on your end, you can always go back to the schedule as your point of power. If my ex wanted to switch days, I’d say no but that I was happy to take or son if he didn’t have the time to watch him. I’d always simply say, I preferred to stick to the schedule and our regular planned activities. It was true whether it was set playdates or sports, I didn’t want to lose time with things my son valued and his father wasn’t likely to take him to. 

Legal Custody and What That Means

Legal custody is the right to make decisions about how your kid will be raised. It gives a parent the right to choose things like schools, athletics, doctors and medical care, and can even define social activities or hobbies. It is possible to not have your child live in the house and still have legal custody – meaning your child can live with you full time but your ex may still have input and the rights to state how your child is raised.

My son was turning 16 with a car already waiting for him in the driveway. I hadn’t thought about the requirements before I tossed him the Hawaii driver’s education book. He was living with me 100% of the time yet we quickly realized that his dad would need to be there in person or get a liability waiver notarized because he still had 50% legal custody. The waiver never came and the car sits in the driveway waiting for its owner to become a licensed driver.

I can’t count the number of times that legal joint custody has created a problem in a choice I was making for my son, whether it was travel decisions or him getting his driver’s license. Co-parenting is a way to share the big decisions, but when you disagree it requires court action or simply no action as in the case of my son getting his driver’s license. It’s been a year and he’ll wait until he’s 18 to get his licenses despite being a responsible, A student.

Physical Custody and What that Means

Physical custody is simply where your child lives. You can have a co-parenting agreement where the child lives with one parent 100% and the other parent has 100% legal custody. While it is possible, the more likely scenario is shared custody of some sort. Physical custody does affect things like taxes. If you share 50% physical custody, make sure your court orders state who gets to claim the child on tax returns.

While my co-parenting agreement was originally 50% physical and legal custody, the orders stated that I could claim my child for taxes and thus get head of household rather than single. It helps save on taxes big time and not something you want to overlook.

“As your son gets older, he will dictate where he stays and for how long. Kids want to spend less time with their parents and more time with friends as they get older. Physical custody becomes less of an issue.”

That’s what my attorney told me as we discussed the outcome of the court case. At the time, my son was so young that the thought of the custody schedule one day not mattering was little solace to the fact that he wouldn’t be with me half of the time. Physical custody and custody schedules are one of the hardest parts of co-parenting. 

Co-parenting Dos and Don’ts

It may seem simple, follow what the court order says and you’ll be in good shape. However, as detailed as the court order is, there are so many dynamics to a parenting plan that it gets hard to keep emotions in check if you are still healing from the divorce. 

Co-parenting Dos

Here are some things to do when co-parenting to keep conflict down:

  1. Follow the court order as much as possible including pick up times and scheduled days.
  2. Give the other parent plenty of notice for doctors’ appointments, school meetings, or changes to the schedule.
  3. Keep all formal communication to email or a co-parenting communication app so you have a record of what was said and when.
  4. Be acutely aware of how your child is feeling irrespective of your own feelings.
  5. Learn to use a non-accusatory or inflammatory tone. Be concise in communication and stick to the facts of what needs to be communicated.
mom holding toddler daughter in field

Co-parenting Don’ts

Here are some things to avoid when co-parenting to keep conflict down: 

  1. Don’t forget your child’s best interest ALWAYS.
  2. Avoid being demanding or accusatory to your ex; if there is a real problem regarding your child’s health and welfare, call your attorney or get a mediator.
  3. Don’t assume you have any control over who your ex introduces to your child, disciplining them, when they let them go to bed, and what type of food they eat when not with you. Unless there is a dangerous or negligent situation, the courts don’t care if the eat McDonald’s every day when with your ex; they’re eating.
  4. Don’t assume physical custody is in any way related to child support; even deadbeat dads are given rights to see their kids.

Dealing with Co-parenting Conflicts

It doesn’t matter how clearly you define a parenting plan, when you have two parties who don’t agree on how to raise a child you will have conflicts. Some may be innocent disagreements simply because you have strong but differing opinions about simple things like bedtime or what movies your child is allowed to watch. Other conflicts could simply become a means of control for one party or the other.

At the end of the day, you need to communicate with your child that what the rules in your house are exactly that. You must be prepared for the “fun parent” to get kudos from the kids for lax rules, if any. Whatever you do, be present in your child’s life when they are with you and don’t let the conflicts seep into your time. That becomes toxic parenting and can damage your relationship with your child, the person you are fighting so hard for.

When you realize and accept that you can’t control the other party in co-parenting and accept that parallel parenting is your best option (parallel parenting means the rules at your house are yours and the rules at your ex’s are theirs) you will find freedom. It doesn’t mean there won’t be times of frustration but you will begin to live your best life and your child will like how that looks and feels.

Find a place you can vent your frustrations. The Single Mommy Tribe is a private Facebook Group where you can vent, cry, laugh, and everything in between. Feel free to find us and join a group of like-minded women.

candy canes on table with pine cones and lights

Finding Christmas Traditions as a Single Mom

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Christmas was always a very hard time of the year for me when my son was younger and we lived away from my family. As a single mom, winter break was often split which meant doing a lot of the lead up traditions to Christmas Eve wasn’t possible every year. It felt disjointed and awkward to try to build traditions that I could maintain every year. Traditions can become a burden.

Holiday Stress

ornaments in a box

I love winter holidays. Sure, growing up in Hawaii isn’t exactly the place to celebrate winter, but I love the trees, the lights, the movies, the songs, well the list just goes on. I love it all. And when I lived where it snowed, I loved that too! But the magic of Santa was a challenge when my son was younger. We didn’t have a lot of money for presents and the timing of my custody always seemed to leave something lacking when it came to doing the little things like seeing Santa or going on a train for a tree finding expedition.

I wanted him to remember his time with me, enjoy the holidays, and learn to love the magic of the season. But it was hard to juggle it all. School plays, PTA fundraisers, class parties, present shopping, and post office insanity all contributed to not being able to cuddle on the sofa to watch Rudolph with hot chocolate or eggnog.

We’d get invited to gatherings and holiday parties of friends, but those became awkward for me if my son wasn’t with me. Everyone asking where he is was always a reminder that he wasn’t with me. Their innocent questions stung my soul. Over time I started to decline holiday gatherings unless he was with me; it was just easier.

Why Traditions Matter

I’m what one would consider the family historian. I know the family tree, keep the recipes alive, and am very proud of who I am as it pertains to where I’ve come from. For me, these were important things to help my son understand even living 2,100 miles across an ocean away from my close family. Traditions are important because they give us a sense of belonging and comfort in consistency. Even a cranky teen can appreciate knowing that some things are just what we do as a family.

Some traditions are cultural and help us stay connected to our past. It’s also time when family expects to spend time together with love, laughter, and the occassional arguement over something as silly as the tree topper choice. When traditions involve extended family, the younger generation gets to know the older relatives and distant cousins, expanding their inner family circle. Making the same recipe for dinner helps you feel connected when living thousands of miles away.

Finding Our Own Way with Traditions

santa next to a christmas tree

There was one consistent part of my winter with my son, Christmas Eve though Christmas Day. Our traditions had to fit into this 36-hour window, sometimes rushed and hectic. But it had to be done in that time slot. The presents were already wrapped with Santa’s specially wrapped presents hidden out of sight. The tree would have been decorated the day after Thanksgiving or as soon as we could. My mom started sending him Hawaiian Santa ornaments when he was born, a way to connect our mainland home to our roots in Hawaii.

With everything all ready for the morning Santa presents reveal, I’d make a simple dinner. We’d eat as the Christmas movie binge would start. All the classic claymation films from my childhood like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. He’d open his presents from me and we’d play as I’d put on A Christmas Story and just soak in the evening. I’d let him plead his case to sleep on the sofa which we did, year after year. We’d put the milk and cookies out for Santa with a few carrots for the reindeer.

Somewhere around 1 AM, I’d try to pry myself from his slumbered cuddle without waking him. I’d tip toe around the house for a few minutes to make sure he didn’t wake just feet from the tree. I’d eat the the cookies and feed the carrots to the dog, keeping just a few bites to toss into the yard in the morning. It was all so easy except when you’re transporting a Santa gift filled with Lego parts through the dark. One stumble becomes a loud tell-all. Yet, year-after-year I managed to not wake him and slip back into an uncomfortable cuddle on the sofa.

Holiday Magic

boy standing over Christmas presents

Now that he is 17, there is no need to wait for Santa. Ironically, as hard and exhausting as they were, I miss the Santa routine. Why? Becuase for all the trouble of the holidays, the biggest tradition I worked hard to create was the feeling that Santa and the Spirit of Christmas was magically. I couldn’t afford a wild and crazy Christmas, yet every year I systematically figured out what was the most special gift: not just Legos but a new box of Star Wars Lego you couldn’t buy anymore.

It took planning all year to save the money to make the holiday special. It wasn’t about an expensive toy; it was his eyes widening and saying, “Of course that is Santa because I know we couldn’t get that.” That for me, even today, is the magic of a simple holiday tradition of what Santa will bring in the morning. Truth: I well up just thinking about it because I never wanted him to see the stress I experienced during the holidays. I wanted his tradition to be one of magic and his reaction was the only way I ever knew that I succeeded. Now, that part of the holiday is a memory, but a very special one that brings me joy as I look at the young man who will lay on the floor and play with the dog as we put on our movies and enjoy Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays to all. If you need a place to talk and vent, the Single Mommy Tribe is a safe place to share and get support. No one should feel alone this holiday season.

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Single Mommy Dating Struggles

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Being a single mother navigating the world of single men is not an easy task. Dating, in general, is hard enough, but add to the mix your kids, their kids, and all that extra baggage of ex-spouses and you have a firework ready to pop. I’ve been single a long time, way too long to be honest, but for all the years I’ve been alone I haven’t been willing to change my deal breakers and how I choose a potential partner.

Most people don’t wait so long to get back in the saddle and find a boyfriend or girlfriend. At the same time, I know I’m not alone in choosing the road of raising children first and finding love later. If the time has come to be serious about finding a serious relationship, you really do need to be committed to trying. But what really goes into finding a someone ready for a committed relationship seeking a true life partner? Let’s delve into the world of single mommy dating…

Swipe Left or Right?

Unfortunately, dating has become a fast-food menu option – heck even fast food takes longer than the time most people spend on a dating profile. While meeting someone at a bar often starts with a physical attraction, there is also the opportunity to just have a conversation with people sitting near you. You get a flavor of their voice, their humor, even their intelligence, and interests. What football team they are cheering for if cheering at all.

But online dating profiles are strictly based on looks. Swipe right or left is purely a physical attraction. It’s the same for women and men. Like what you see and swipe right. Vice versa if you don’t like what you see. This is before you even get a sense of who they are. We’ve always hated that dating is marred with judgment on superficial traits, after all, isn’t it about being beautiful on the inside? Yet, we keep speeding up the process more and more.

For years, I’ve tried online dating in my search through potential partners. It’s been a painful process to say the least. Even the few times I thought I had a connection with someone and we were set to meet, they somehow found someone else at the last minute that was just quicker to the draw (or bed or whatever). It’s frustrating and demoralizing, to say the least.

Then you have to wonder if people are looking for a romantic partner or a significant other. 

Romantic Partner Vs. Significant Other

man kissing woman's hand

Is there a difference between a romantic partner and a significant other? Some people might not think so while others will certainly say yes. This is part of the relationship value system you just don’t get to understand until you really get to know someone. The difference between the two is simple: romantic partners are fun to hop in the sack with and there is a lot of physical chemistry. A significant other is someone you can imagine raising children with and is much more than a great lay. While there are overlaps between the two: a romantic partner may be a great friend and a significant other is ideally someone you are physically attracted to, but we shouldn’t confuse the two when dating.

It doesn’t matter if you are doing the online dating thing, meeting people through friends, or picking up someone at a bar, look for signs that the person is ready for a serious relationship if that’s what you want and need. If you are a woman who wants a partner, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can give.

Signs that a man is ready for a committed relationship include:

  • He seeks to be around you
  • He doesn’t disappear for times
  • He talks about the future and makes plans with you
  • You can rely on him
  • He’s unguarded around you
  • You can be unguarded around him (yes, even the ugly cry is okay)
  • He listens and cares about what you say
  • He invites you to meet his family, friends, and do hobbies
  • He shares his passions

This isn’t an end-all list and certainly, there are some things that some men may never be good at. For example, some men need alone time and will take it. Vice versa, a single mother may always be a bit guarded – at least until there is a firm commitment. Everyone needs space and should be able to set healthy boundaries, but the more signs there are of a committed single man, the more confident you can be that he is serious about becoming a significant other and not just chatting before an interlude.  

What Makes a Relationship Work

man and woman walking near Charleston building

While every relationship is different, time is precious and we need to understand what kind of relationship is healthy and meant for long-term thinking. The idea that there is one reason that is a magic secret sauce in a relationship is simply false. There are many things that become overarching themes in relationships that work.

Communication: Being able to communicate your wants, fears, feelings, desires, and needs are important and you also need to be able to hear and understand your partner’s. Successful married couples have strong communication skills.

Playfulness: A great relationship can make you feel like a child again because there is so much play happening. Being able to joke and be relaxed enough to be silly is a critical factor in many long-term relationships. When the play stops, it can mean something is wrong.

Interdependence: This means both individuals have their own identity but are able to work as a team and support each other in their lives whether married or not. Interdependence gives adults the best of independence and dependence on another human being.

Acknowledgment: Being able to say please and thank you for the little things (and big things) is imperative to not feeling as if you are being taken for granted. It’s nice to be appreciated and hear it when dinner is put on the table or the lawn is mowed. Give thanks and ideally, you get thanks in return as well.

Honesty: There is little doubt that men and women need to be honest with each other to have a strong marriage or relationship. But some serious relationships are just more honest than others. Being able to blurt out the truth and be totally accepted for it, no matter what is said is a big aspect of a healthy relationship.

You may attract a man where all of this isn’t readily apparent but with some work, you may find that you have found the boyfriend of your dreams. Toxic relationships won’t ever mature into a relationship with these components.

The Work of a Relationship

Relationships take work but they should also be a fun type of work if you are being rewarded with positive results. A single parent will have to arrange a babysitter, deal with an ex who may have an issue with the person you are dating, kids’ feelings of mom becoming romantically involved with someone, and the list goes on….

For someone like me, the work starts with getting out of my normal mom jeans, t-shirt, and baseball hat. It means taking the time to look my best which is time I generally don’t have. So the work starts in preparing for a date. Then there is the emotional work of being open while getting to know someone. That is followed by all the energy after a date wondering if you said every dumb thing you could have possibly said and if they think you are an absolute idiot. Talk about energy consumption.

But that work should be rewarded with butterflies of excitement when he calls and starts chatting away about anything and everything. That work should be rewarded with being told you look pretty. It should be rewarded with your kids liking him and being happy that mommy is a bit happier too.

Yet there are deal-breakers we need to all be aware of as they matter to us whether we admit it or not. 

Deal Breakers

A deal-breaker is something that you can’t get past and accept. You might be okay with someone having a glass of wine with dinner at night but not willing to date someone who has two vodkas every night when they come home. Each person has a different list of deal-breakers and it will do you well to know what they are. I’m Catholic and my ex is Jewish. While this wasn’t a big deal while dating, it became a big deal for him when we got married and especially in raising our son. Where we had once agreed to do our own thing, he resented the Catholic traditions I brought into his Jewish home.

Deal breakers can include things like:

  • Religious or political incompatibility
  • Smoking, alcohol, or drug habits
  • Child raising values and practices
  • Lifestyle choices 
  • Sexual incompatibility

On the flip side, for me, I know a new deal-breaker is athleticism. My ex-husband was not athletic at all and really disliked sports. While this isn’t a big deal to some degree, I love sports and being an athlete is something I identify with. I’d love my partner to share my love and passion for sports and be able to play them simply because it gives us more to do together, be playfully competitive with, and supportive in. It wasn’t a deal-breaker in my first marriage but it is one moving forward.

Think about what your deal breakers are and where you draw the line in the sand. The deal breakers should be fundamentals that you just can’t compromise on; if you try to, you’ll probably become resentful of the person which isn’t really fair since it’s your deal-breaker you compromised on.

Moving Forward

neon sign, "go up and never stop"

I’ve tried the online dating thing; I have several close friends happily married because of online dating platforms and I am happy for them. But the more I’m on dating sites, the less I feel it is for me. It doesn’t matter if it is a free or paid platform; they just don’t have great options for me. At the same time, friends remind me that I literally live on a rock and choices may be limited.

But I think it’s time for me to venture into hobbies where I can meet those with similar interests. That means joining a tennis league and maybe doing some improv classes. These are old passions that time hasn’t given me the joy of recently. But that’s the work I’ll need to do: get out, do things I love, and meet others who love the same types of things. Maybe then I’ll get out of the swipe right, swipe left rat race of a single mother scanning for unmarried single men.

Are you a single mom and want a place you can trust other single moms for support, laughter, venting, and ugly cries? We have the place for you in our Private Facebook Group.

red letter F

Single Mom Raising Boys: Bad Grades and Winning

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I say it often: being a single mom raising a boy is hard and often leaves me feeling inadequate as a parent. There always seems to be something missing or just not quite good enough for me to offer especially when it comes to school and bad grades. But every once in a while, something really cool happens that reminds you that there is no straight line to good parenting. We all have to duck and dive with the ebbs and flows of life.

Like a lot of other parents, I find myself looking at what other kids are doing. Facebook and Instagram are great places for us to see how perfect everyone else’s lives are. From a young age, my son was always around great kids doing awesome things in school, sports, and life in general. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing everything I can to help facilitate my son’s success.

After all, when your child does poorly at something when you see so many others succeeding, you can feel like maybe you should be doing more or something different.

Then again….

A Choice to Test Out of a Class

Parents are often faced with keeping smart kids mentally stimulated in classes that bore them. For some parents, skipping a grade or testing out of a class is the best answer. It’s a tough call in a lot of ways. When you have a smart kid, will the adjustment to a higher-level class be one solution only creating a social problem of not fitting in with older students. My choice leans finding a balance of mental and social stimulation.

There has never been a question that my son is a smart kid. As a middle schooler, he decided to test out of Algebra I during the summer so he could get a head start on math for high school. The summer was essentially dedicated to this singular goal and I spent quite a bit of time and money both relearning Algebra and bringing on the hired guns to tutor him. It was accelerated and took a couple of tries, but he passed.

My concern was that Algebra I is the foundation of all other math he will do from here on out. Did he have a good enough understanding of the principals to do well in the future or would it be a problem in the future. He was only in the 8th grade taking Geometry and Algebra II concurrently. Ultimately, he got A’s in both.

Getting Help for Poor Performance

When your kid succeeds at something you were concerned was a wrong decision, well, a bigger pride comes over you simply because they proved you wrong. The Algebra thing concerned me and I still wondered about the long-term effects of cramming Algebra I into a 3-month tutored lesson. But, he not only passed the test, he also showed great dedication and resolve in the process.

Then…

boy with Apply laptop on bed

Along comes high school. He got through his Freshman year in a new school and a new state. His grades weren’t perfect, but there was no concern over bad performance. He became very involved in jROTC and weight training. All in all, he was building a group of friends, doing well in school and starting to develop into a young man of character. All things moms are proud of.

Welcome Trigonometry. At this point, my son has well surpassed my math skills. I wrapped at Algebra II in high school and never thought twice about taking another math class. I would never be of any help. As the quarter went on, it became apparent that he was having more than a slightly hard time with the class. I barked at him as a mother concerned about her child’s GPA would.



Parenting Through a Failing Grade

My barking became a search for solutions. He was required to see the teacher at lunch and after school. I hired a tutor – actually two of them because the first just wasn’t connecting with him. He put the time in. We thought he was making progress but at the end of the semester, the final grades came in and it wasn’t even close. He had failed the class miserably. The F stood out among what was an otherwise excellent report card.

I remember sitting on the sofa looking at the report card as he sat next to me, clearly concerned about my reaction. The rule was that if he didn’t take care of business (his school work), he’d lose his afterschool jROTC activities. I could feel my own anger well up, wondering how such a smart kid could let this happen. Why did I waste the money on a tutor? This was going to be hard to overcome for college planning.

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From Lamenting to Learning

It probably took me a good five minutes of frustrated nagging in search of any plausible answer from him for the grade. He simply had no answer and I knew it; he had gone to the teacher every day. He had gone to the tutor twice a week after school. He did the extra work. I saw it – that I demanded. He put the effort in and neither of us got the result we wanted.

It became very clear to me that I was upset because I want the best for him; I expect his potential to shine through on everything he does. However, there are times in life when you will do everything right, everything you can to succeed and life will just throw you a curve ball. That is what this was, a great big stinking F-bomb (math style). A series of my own failures and struggles in life ran through my head.

A big deep breath and then a hug. I apologized to him for my reaction but he kept apologizing for the grade. It took me longer to articulate my thoughts because the emotions of disappointment still swelled throughout my body. Finally, I was able to explain to him that I was upset that the grade is bad and there is work we need to do to address that but that I was proud of him.

Proud of a Failing Grade?

He heard the word proud and took a beat, shaking his own head in disbelief. Why would you be proud?

He worked hard. He didn’t give up. We knew the journey from Algebra I had its risks that could lead to failure and maybe that had finally caught up to us. He was probably burnt out on all the math and science and his brain simply wasn’t computing things, literally. How could I be mad at someone for giving everything he had and coming up short.

These were points that took the better part of the night for me to explain. Sometimes life doesn’t give us what we want. It is up to us to continue to try, to find other solutions and to work hard. Overcoming a bad grade would be the next project.

HESTEMP and Summer Learning

We conferred with his counselor and decided to pull him out of math for the second semester of his Sophomore year. He already had all the math he needed to graduation so it felt like the right decision to let him focus on other classes and use the period for study hall. As summer approached, he and his friends started a voluntary program through the University of Hawaii, HESTEMP.

They started going to UH on weekends to work with their mentors, Ph.D. students in the engineering program working under a doctorate professor. His group decided on a project idea and the mentors gave them a list of the curriculum to go and learn. Over the course of the summer, my son taught himself via YouTube lectures, conversations with his friends, and some direction from his mentor Calculus, Trigonometry, Advanced Physics, and Coding. They designed a rocket and the systems in it to determine guidance.

Sample HESTEMP project
Similar to what he’s working on.

At this point, I can’t even explain what he was learning or doing other than his end goal was to eventually work on a piece of a NASA project. The program gives him no grade. He gets no credit for going, even though he diligently caught the bus almost every weekday summer morning and many weekends since school started back up. He spends hours online reading scientific papers and determining how what he is developing can be applied.

Math theory. I’m not even sure what that is. All I know is the kid is into it.

Along Comes a NASA Conversation

After nearly a year of self-education, recruiting a couple younger team members and presenting his project idea to the PhD students, professor and a few NASA representatives, he tells me that the algorithms he is developing have applications for NASA and the FAA regarding drones in urban areas.

Huh?

Did he just say NASA understood what he was talking about, felt it was correct, and applicable?

Single Mom Panic to Parenting Win

As I listened to the joy come from him as he explained how successful his presentation was, I couldn’t help think back to the conversation on the couch about putting the work in, being motivated to succeed, and persevere through hardship. I’m not sure what is next on his educational road – we’re planning the college scouting trip for the summer. What I do know is he has the tenacity and intelligence to accomplish what he wants in life.

That doesn’t mean life will always put checks in the Win column, but I feel good knowing he has cracked the code to overcoming disappointment and failure. There is no way to tell if my reaction to his Trig grade played a roll in him developing that skill. Like I said, I’m always wondering if I’m doing this single mom parenting right, if I’m doing enough, and if I’m helping him grow.

This one time I’d like to think that I did the right thing.

Wondering if you’re doing this single mom thing right, too? Come join the Single Mommy Tribe. We’re here to vent, laugh, and support.

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Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

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Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

Most days, if the phrase, “moms raising boys” hits the news there either is a school shooting, reviews of gang violence or other youth violence. Troubled boys without a father-figure in their lives is often a primary topic of concern. Some call it an epidemic resulting from boys not having a dad or positive male role model in the picture. As a single mom of a son, my concerns are the same as any parent.

How do I raise a good child who becomes a healthy man capable of contributing to this world, being compassionate and at the same time strong in his own character with good manners and independence?

No matter whether you have a boy or girl and are a single mom or single dad, single-parent homes pose challenges.

The Role of Dads in Boys Upbringing

man and boy

Fathers play an important role in the development of both boys and girls. When it comes to sons, fathers don’t just teach them about using tools, shaving or asking that first girl out on a date. Fathers set the tone for how men interact with other men, how they treat women and deal with adversity. The monkey see monkey do theory applies very strongly.

Most of what a boy learns from his father is unsaid. He observes traits, actions and thought patterns that either leads him to want to be just like his dad or nothing like his father. In recent decades, parental roles have shifted. Where female roles were primarily nurturing caregivers and male duties were providers and disciplinarians, parents today often seem to blend tasks and parental duties. Yet, boys still get something from fathers that they don’t get from the women in their live.

When Dad Isn’t Around or Isn’t a Positive Role Model

Just because we are moms and dads doesn’t make us great or even good parents. Raising children is hard. Having the strength and wisdom to be better every day, spending time with our children requires constant self-reflection. As it was once expressed to me, “the fact that someone cares enough to question whether they are doing right or wrong for their child elevates them as a parent.”

This happened to resonate with me (and make me feel better for all the mistakes I feel I constantly make as a single parent and as a mom in general). There was a point after my divorce that my son refused to go to his dad’s. School and police didn’t force the issue feeling my son had a compelling enough story he could articulate that was his reason for not going. I suggested to his father to go to family therapy to fix the rift between them.

Then it all started; weekly therapy sessions with my son and my ex-husband.

I have been accused by my ex over the years of trying to poison my son’s mind about his father. My relationship with my son is strong and it is none existent with his dad. My ex’s argument is out son has a mother and a father and that’s simply the way it is. He (my ex-husband) for years was intent on defending his rights but never once stopped to reflect on his actions.

One lesson I happen to recall from physics is that for every action there is a reaction.

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Not Every Dad Should Be the Primary Male Role Model

There! I said it. Just being a dad doesn’t make you a great role model. I don’t deny biological fathers’ rights. Nor do I think this is exclusively a dad issues. There are lots of moms not well-suited to rear and raise children.

Anyone who knows me knows the value I place on family. At the same time, we need to recognize the people in our lives who might be toxic to our mental health. When it comes to my son and his father, I’ll always recognize my ex as my son’s father. At the same time, I don’t think every father (or parent) is good for their children.

Being Able to Teach Ourselves As We Go

Don’t read into that statement the bling I feel parents need to be perfect. I am far from perfect. With that said, I spend a lot of time reflecting on my actions, apologizing if I jumped the gun on something and consulting other parents and experts when I am uncertain about something. Refusing to recognize your impact to your child’s long-term mental health is a big problem.

That doesn’t mean being a single mom is the best answer but for me was a better one. The question becomes: how to give my son the male role models he craves in a healthy way?

Moms can’t be that masculine figure. Heck, I’m as tom-boy as they get but realize I cannot cultivate the masculine essence of a young man by myself. Single moms face serious challenges in this area. Male role models and mentors fill the gaps of what a home without a dad.

New Men in Mom’s Life

single mom raising boys beginning dating

When single moms start dating, the male role model isn’t an automatic given. Boys if single moms become fiercely protective of their moms. They can resent a new man even if he is a great person. While they want Mom to be happy, they seem to always proceed with caution.

When my son was in elementary school. We started spending a lot of time at the municipal airport. He loved being in the hangar with the guys and was welcomed into the club. They robbed him, taught him about rebuilding and maintaining old warbirds. He talked story with WWII vets and occasionally had the chance to take a backseat.

He loved all the guys there and I moved that he had great role models. When one of the guys asked us out for Sunday brunch, my son was pretty savvy to what was going on. Even though he knew and really liked the guy, he became a human barrier between me and the proposed suitor. Did I say he knew and liked the guy? He just didn’t want anyone putting their mitts on his mom.

The Revolving Door

The other issue that arises when mom gets a new man in her life is the potential for that to be a revolving door. Let’s face it, we don’t always make the best decisions in love – there’s a reason we aren’t with our son’s father. Constantly exposing your son to the new guy leads to a host of issues. The instability often results in behavioral issues, emotional well-being and anxiety issues, as well as negatively effects cognitive achievement and function.

It’s better for a single mom to date discreetly until she is confident she has found someone worth pursuing with a long-term relationship. This can be hard when a single mom wants to balance everything with limited time and perhaps limited resources for child care.

Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms

A big question for society becomes where do boys of single moms get the proper guidance and comradery with adult male role models? I don’t know a single mom of a boy who doesn’t actively think about and seek out ways to get positive male influencers in his life. Finding male role models for kids of single moms often starts within your own network.

Family and Friends

Many single women can find great role models for their sons close to home. If your son is able to spend time with Grandpa or an uncle or adult cousin, these are often great ways to not just have your son spend time with someone as he develops his manhood, it also keeps the concept of family unity in place.

This isn’t always possible. In my case, my closest family was 2,300 miles away across the Pacific Ocean. Moving wasn’t an option at the time. I always felt great when spending time at a friends house with the kids and her husband would take my son to show him projects in the garage or offer to help with a school project. Not only did my son get to spend time with a great man, he also got to see how great dads interact with their children that is critical.

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Church and Youth Groups

Churches and youth groups including The Big Brother programs are great ways to not just meet more people and expand your single parenting network, the help kids find mentors and positive role models. Talk to the pastor or youth coordinator about finding a program your child will enjoy and be exposed to great male leaders.

Sports and Recreation Activities

Sports and recreation activities are probably the primary way single moms help their boys find positive role models. Coaches often push kids, help them establish discipline and keep them in check with manners. Coaches positively change the lives of kids every single day and it’s a great way to get some time to get dinner ready uninterrupted.

My son wasn’t really into sports. His aviation interest was his recreation and we were lucky to find a group that adopted us as their own. I had no aviation experience. People would ask why I spent entire weekends getting greasy and doing grunt work in a small hangar. It was to help earn my keep, really my son’s place in the crowd. Sure, he did his part and that was the deal. His interest was aviation and I was going to foster it any way I could.

The Lesson I Learned Because I Didn’t Over-Mother

He was 8-years-old when he started helping around the hangar. I’d actually dismiss myself when possible to not be the “mom” hanging around. I’d stay close in case there was a problem. After about an hour, my son came in totally ecstatic, “Mom, Stu gave me a job and I did the whole thing.” The job was to use a razor blade to scrape off old labels on a parts drawer and my son’s hands had more than one oops cut, though nothing major.

With a deep breath, I smiled, checked his hands and said, “Wow, what’s the next job?” I knew I would have never let my son fiddle with a razor at age 8. But, I also knew Stu had an eye on him. My son was as proud of himself as I had ever seen. It was a gut check for me. Men challenge young men to do masculine things, to step into manhood. I would have mothered him and found a safer task.

All I can recommend to other single moms is spend time with your sons and daughters. Learn what makes them tick and be open to knowing you can’t be everything for them. Find them mentors in things they love and they will find their role models naturally.

It’s still scary. I have a teenage son and am watching him get ready to leave the nest. But no one needs to feel like they are part of the epidemic. Our boys can thrive. We will make certain of that.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.