Holiday Stress

I love winter holidays. Sure, growing up in Hawaii isn’t exactly the place to celebrate winter, but I love the trees, the lights, the movies, the songs, well the list just goes on. I love it all. And when I lived where it snowed, I loved that too! But the magic of Santa was a challenge when my son was younger. We didn’t have a lot of money for presents and the timing of my custody always seemed to leave something lacking when it came to doing the little things like seeing Santa or going on a train for a tree finding expedition.

I wanted him to remember his time with me, enjoy the holidays, and learn to love the magic of the season. But it was hard to juggle it all. School plays, PTA fundraisers, class parties, present shopping, and post office insanity all contributed to not being able to cuddle on the sofa to watch Rudolph with hot chocolate or eggnog.

We’d get invited to gatherings and holiday parties of friends, but those became awkward for me if my son wasn’t with me. Everyone asking where he is was always a reminder that he wasn’t with me. Their innocent questions stung my soul. Over time I started to decline holiday gatherings unless he was with me; it was just easier.

Why Traditions Matter

I’m what one would consider the family historian. I know the family tree, keep the recipes alive, and am very proud of who I am as it pertains to where I’ve come from. For me, these were important things to help my son understand even living 2,100 miles across an ocean away from my close family. Traditions are important because they give us a sense of belonging and comfort in consistency. Even a cranky teen can appreciate knowing that some things are just what we do as a family.

Some traditions are cultural and help us stay connected to our past. It’s also time when family expects to spend time together with love, laughter, and the occassional arguement over something as silly as the tree topper choice. When traditions involve extended family, the younger generation gets to know the older relatives and distant cousins, expanding their inner family circle. Making the same recipe for dinner helps you feel connected when living thousands of miles away.

Finding Our Own Way with Traditions

There was one consistent part of my winter with my son, Christmas Eve though Christmas Day. Our traditions had to fit into this 36-hour window, sometimes rushed and hectic. But it had to be done in that time slot. The presents were already wrapped with Santa’s specially wrapped presents hidden out of sight. The tree would have been decorated the day after Thanksgiving or as soon as we could. My mom started sending him Hawaiian Santa ornaments when he was born, a way to connect our mainland home to our roots in Hawaii.

With everything all ready for the morning Santa presents reveal, I’d make a simple dinner. We’d eat as the Christmas movie binge would start. All the classic claymation films from my childhood like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. He’d open his presents from me and we’d play as I’d put on A Christmas Story and just soak in the evening. I’d let him plead his case to sleep on the sofa which we did, year after year. We’d put the milk and cookies out for Santa with a few carrots for the reindeer.

Somewhere around 1 AM, I’d try to pry myself from his slumbered cuddle without waking him. I’d tip toe around the house for a few minutes to make sure he didn’t wake just feet from the tree. I’d eat the the cookies and feed the carrots to the dog, keeping just a few bites to toss into the yard in the morning. It was all so easy except when you’re transporting a Santa gift filled with Lego parts through the dark. One stumble becomes a loud tell-all. Yet, year-after-year I managed to not wake him and slip back into an uncomfortable cuddle on the sofa.

Holiday Magic

Now that he is 17, there is no need to wait for Santa. Ironically, as hard and exhausting as they were, I miss the Santa routine. Why? Becuase for all the trouble of the holidays, the biggest tradition I worked hard to create was the feeling that Santa and the Spirit of Christmas was magically. I couldn’t afford a wild and crazy Christmas, yet every year I systematically figured out what was the most special gift: not just Legos but a new box of Star Wars Lego you couldn’t buy anymore.

It took planning all year to save the money to make the holiday special. It wasn’t about an expensive toy; it was his eyes widening and saying, “Of course that is Santa because I know we couldn’t get that.” That for me, even today, is the magic of a simple holiday tradition of what Santa will bring in the morning. Truth: I well up just thinking about it because I never wanted him to see the stress I experienced during the holidays. I wanted his tradition to be one of magic and his reaction was the only way I ever knew that I succeeded. Now, that part of the holiday is a memory, but a very special one that brings me joy as I look at the young man who will lay on the floor and play with the dog as we put on our movies and enjoy Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays to all. If you need a place to talk and vent, the Single Mommy Tribe is a safe place to share and get support. No one should feel alone this holiday season.

Finding Your Single Mom Tribe: The Right Support Group

Cheers was the record-breaking sitcom of the 80s and early 90s because it touched on what every single person wants: a place to belong. Your tribe accepts you, all of you. The hysterical laughter, the urgent crises and the ugly cries are all greeted with hugs, wine and lasting conversation. When you find the right single mom tribe, you know you are home.

But, finding your tribe as a single mom can be difficult as old friends just don’t have the space for the single lady among their couples’ nights or may take sides in the divorce equation. Taking the time to find the right support group is a game changer for single moms trying to rebuild their lives.

Looking for your single mom tribe? Consider these tips:

Deliberately Think About Who You Want and Need in Your Life

Think about the type of people you want in your life. Obviously, previous choices didn’t work out but don’t let emotional turmoil or confidence issues dictate the new people you bring into your life. This goes well beyond new love interests. For both your sake and your children’s, you must bring in people who lift you up, enhance your life and provide emotional support.

I can’t think of any other time in my life that felt as lonely as the first few years as a single mom. What made it so difficult is I felt that I should be stronger than succumbing to the problems associated with a man and my divorce. Isolation is an easy answer, but that really didn’t solve the problem. I needed people in my life and in my son’s life.

Find Like-Minded Moms That You Connect With

Seek out groups and people who share your core values. That doesn’t mean they need to think exactly like you on every subject; healthy disagreements are essential for growth. Look at the forest, not the trees when finding a tribe. You’ve already got enough on your plate. You don’t need to be banging your head against the wall with every conversation trying to explain yourself.

Crunchy moms might not do so well in a tribe of silky moms. The hiking tribe might be a bit different than the tennis club tribe. That isn’t to say you can’t be part of both or fit into very diverse categories, but don’t feel like you need to make yourself fit in.

I found my tribe when I became the PTA president of my son’s elementary school. The women I met inspired me. Some were single but most were happily married. We all had one thing in common: improving the lives of our kids. We volunteered together, had playdates together, had mom’s nights together. These women saved me in every way, many of which they will never know.

Desire to Be Challenged by Your Tribe to Grow

Moving on after divorce puts many challenges in front of us. It can seem odd to seek people who challenge you. Don’t overlook the value of a tribe that makes you think, forces you to consider and reconsider your actions. A great tribe does this in a way that makes you feel secure and loved the entire time.

It’s like challenging your children to step up and be better people. It comes from a place of love and is for the best. People who just “yes” you all the time aren’t really there to help you. You want friends and a tribe that calls you out for making bad decisions and tells you when you are wrong – especially when it comes to moving on.

I was lucky to find an online tribe of people overcoming divorce. It wasn’t strictly moms and had a very diverse age group. The wisdom of that group was seeded in the fact that some people were new on the path while others were farther down the road. Having a group that would listen when I needed to vent and then lovingly give me a reality check helped me take the next steps to healing and growth in your family life.

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Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Meeting new people is never easy. Having to meet people while going through a very emotionally tumultuous time only makes it harder. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You need to step out of your comfort zone to avoid falling into the isolation trap. Even if you find a single mom support group that meets your needs, it can be scary to share yourself.

Lissa Rankin, MD points out that her, “ego had created this separation story that distanced [her] from the very belonging [she] craved.” We all have a preconceived picture of ourselves in our heads. Divorce can shatter or skew that extensively. Until we take out ego out of the picture, we will continue to struggle to find our tribe.

Don’t Worry About Kids’ Ages in the Tribe

Kids are funny when it comes to kids that aren’t their age. As parents and single moms, we want a group of people that mirror us. That doesn’t happen and your kids will be fine without it. Older kids often love being a big brother to smaller ones while the littles love to try to keep up. This isn’t always the case but it is good for your children to interact with other kids that can relate to their own feelings of isolation.

Through the PTA, my son met kids from all grade levels and was forced to work with them as the moms were working on volunteer tasks and activities. There were times all the kids hated being at school on non-school days, but for the most part, friendships formed. My son started thinking about activities we did and asking to invite PTA kids to do things with us.

Join Non-Mom Activities

While it is great to find a tribe that fits your everyday mom-lifestyle perfectly, this might not be what happens. In fact, you might have people who totally fit your tribe-mojo in unusual places. If there is something you always wanted to try, go for it. Even without experience, go for it. A new hobby or sports activity can yield to great connections.

You might join a gardening group, a book club or take a Salsa dance class. Mixing up your activities allows you to expand your support group as well. While I had my PTA moms as a core part of my tribe, I also spent time learning beadwork and jewelry making. It was a creative outlet that had nothing to do with being a mom or a single mom that made me feel like I was just another person in a class of women.

In-Person Versus Online Tribes

Many single moms find the greatest amount of support from people they may never meet in real life. The internet has opened up the world of interaction and helps more people find the right support. With that being said, don’t rely exclusively on online support groups. They are fantastic for finding your tribe who can collectively provide support, answers and advice. At the same time, making an online tribe your only tribe will lead to more isolation.

I’m still friends with many who were part of my original online tribe. This was before Facebook Groups become a thing and there were “forums” people went to. I’ve met some of the men and women from my old forum and still consider many friends and key influencers in my inner tribe.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve created the Single Mommy Tribe. A private support group with resources, advice and experience of others. No mom should ever feel alone because the truth is, you aren’t alone. Even those who remarry and move past being a single mom still feel a connection to those who are and are welcomed into the group to help show the rest of us that life gets better when we work on ourselves to heal.

I hope you find a tribe in your social circles and I encourage you to join the Single Mommy Tribe. You’re welcome here.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

Posts

Finding Christmas Traditions as a Single Mom

Holiday Stress

Why Traditions Matter

Finding Our Own Way with Traditions

Holiday Magic