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How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

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Divorce is never an easy thing, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist. And having kids in the mix makes it even more difficult. You are leaving the relationship to protect yourself and your kid, but that doesn’t always mean your kids will understand what’s going on. How do you figure out how to talk to kids about divorce?

How to Talk to Kids About Divorce

Every kid will react differently to the situation and the eventual separation of parents. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, some kids may become angry or act out, others may develop greater separation anxieties, and some may ask where the other parent is. All of these are normal responses to the divorce.

There are a few things you can do though. One of the vital things you can do to help your kids is to reassure them that the divorce was not their fault. Tell them this was about you and their dad, that things needed to change for the benefit of everyone. But make sure they know that both parents still love and care about them.

Depending on the maturity of the kid and the current turmoil at home, your kids might notice the unhappiness going on. They may see that there is constant fighting between you and your spouse. Or they could be picking up on how degrading and abusive one parent is being to the other. In these situations, telling them may bring more understanding and a level of relief than you think.

Explaining the Custody Order to Your Child

Part of your divorce will be a custody order. There are two main types of custody orders that will be addressed during court proceedings: physical and legal. A physical custody order tells where each child lives, with which parent, and on what days. Legal custody orders specify which parent gets to make decisions about what happens to the child.

Physical custody orders can vary greatly depending on the situation. The court can award joint custody meaning the child spends 50% of their time with each parent. If the child is staying with one parent more than 50% of the time they are the custodial parent with the other parent getting visitation rights with the child.

Some physical custody arrangements can be spending six months living with one parent then six months with the other parent. Another scenario might be one parent having the kids a couple of nights of the week while the other parent gets them the other two nights and on alternating weekends and holidays. What the physical custody order looks like depends on the agreement reached between you and your ex-spouse.

Legal custody orders consist of things like where you send your child to school, daycare, religious affiliations, etc. It is possible to have sole or majority of the physical custody and still share legal custody 50/50.

As you begin going through this process, don’t dump all the details onto your child. If they are really little simply reassure them that even though things are changing, you love them and so does your spouse. Kids that are old enough to process some of the changes going on can be told about the arrangements. Keep it simple and to the facts about who they will stay with, when, and where.

Finding the New “Normal”

After the dust has settled, its time to help your kids find the new normal. This comes through lots of love, nurture, and routines. Don’t necessarily expect your ex-spouse to follow your expectations and parenting demands. What they do depends upon the agreement you made.

If you agreed to co-parent you will both work together to set the rules for your child. You will have to decide through talking or some other communication what bedtime, meals, and everyday routines will be regardless of which parent has them.

In some cases, such as divorcing a narcissist, co-parenting may not be the best option. In this case, you can try parallel parenting. When you parallel parent, big decisions such as medical ones, will usually still be made by both parents. But everyday parenting decisions such as meals and bedtime routine will be made by each parent individually. So you may do things differently than your ex-spouse.

However, you decide to parent following the divorce, talk to your kids about the new changes. If you are parallel parenting, let them know that when they are with their dad things will be different than when they are with you. Tell them what your expectations are when they are staying with you and stick to it. 

Helping Them See Their Value While You Rediscover Yours

As you work through figuring out how to talk to kids about divorce, you will not just need to explain what’s happening but also reassure them of their value. You have likely been robbed of any feelings of being valued for quite some time if you are divorcing a narcissist. Take time to once again rediscover your identity and value in life.

One thing to keep in mind even though it won’t be easy, your kids are adjusting to the new family situation. It might be difficult for them but with love and reassurance, they can still grow to be healthy, happy adults.

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Single Mom Grants

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Many single moms want to go back to school to be able to get a better job or start a small business and the only way this is possible for many is through single mom grants. Figuring out where the grants are is the first step to then determine if you qualify or not. The entire process can be overwhelming.

Grants are financial awards that don’t need to be repaid. In that way, they are different than student loans, business loans, or other financial aid. Be sure to review all the terms and conditions of the money you are getting to be sure it is a grant that you don’t need to repay.

The Decision to Go Back to School (or Open a Business)

The desire to go back to school or start a business may be something a single mom wants to do very badly but they can’t see how to afford it. It’s hard enough to grasp the amount of time and energy necessary to balance being a mom, studying, and even working all at the same time. The thought of getting a grant could mean the entire difference between a dream and a reality. 

Finding Grants for Single Moms

The type of funding you seek (business or educational) will determine where to seek a grant. Most colleges offer assistance in locating local, school, or field of study-specific grants. The financial aid office at the college or university will walk you through your options. In addition to tuition assistance, women may receive child care aid or housing grants as increased assistance to make the college dream possible.

Local SCORE or Small Business Administration (SBA) offices have resources to help business owners locate grants they may be eligible for.

The Pell Grant is available to students across the nation. The maximum amount of the Pell Grant for the 2019-2020 school year is $6,195 for full-time students who qualify. Full-time students get more than part-time students. Pell Grant eligibility is determined when completing the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) in the fall of the year before you attend college.

Your chosen college or university will also be able to tell you if there are any state or university grants you are eligible for. There are also organizational grants that support specific fields of study, helping women pursue specific career paths often in STEM studies or social development fields.

woman holding school books

Soroptimist International is a women’s philanthropic organization that grants thousands to women seeking to go back to school each year. Soroptimist International has local chapters in most major cities that you can contact to see what deadlines exist for what grants are available.

You can also find business grants such as the Halstead Grant that provides up to $7,500 for a female jewelry designer to start a jewelry line. In addition to the $7,500 in grant funds for operational costs, the recipient also gets $1,000 in merchandise. Grants like this are a great way to launch a new business for an aspiring single mom.

The Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts also has grants ranging from $15,000 to $50,000 for those who are artists, writers, or otherwise curate contemporary art. This is not for school, but instead for professional artists who already have a track record of being published and are looking for ways to fund additional works. 

Applying for Grants

When applying for grants, be sure to read through all the applications eligibility requirements. Many private grants will require an essay, business plan, or portfolio showing why you are a good candidate for the grant. Private foundations may have a very specific set of rules and requirements. Don’t waste time with lengthy applications for grants you are not qualified for. Your time is better spent finding the grant you are best suited to get and make your application as strong as possible. 

Financial Aid and Student Loans

If you are looking to attend college, a grant may not be enough to pay all your tuition and fees along with your living expenses. Ask the financial aid department about student loans and scholarships. Find out what you are eligible for based on your field of study, background, and financial circumstances.

Remember that grants don’t need to be repaid and most scholarships are contingent on academic excellence. Neither of those need to be repaid. However, student loans do need to be repaid. While federal student loans don’t require repayment while you are still in school, make sure you are only borrowing what is necessary to get your education. You are better served by grants and scholarships where possible. 

Your Tribe There to Help

Join the Single Mommy Tribe Facebook Group to brainstorm about what you want to do, how to get it done, and get the help to find the resources you need. As a tribe we will all succeed.

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Finding Christmas Traditions as a Single Mom

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Christmas was always a very hard time of the year for me when my son was younger and we lived away from my family. As a single mom, winter break was often split which meant doing a lot of the lead up traditions to Christmas Eve wasn’t possible every year. It felt disjointed and awkward to try to build traditions that I could maintain every year. Traditions can become a burden.

Holiday Stress

ornaments in a box

I love winter holidays. Sure, growing up in Hawaii isn’t exactly the place to celebrate winter, but I love the trees, the lights, the movies, the songs, well the list just goes on. I love it all. And when I lived where it snowed, I loved that too! But the magic of Santa was a challenge when my son was younger. We didn’t have a lot of money for presents and the timing of my custody always seemed to leave something lacking when it came to doing the little things like seeing Santa or going on a train for a tree finding expedition.

I wanted him to remember his time with me, enjoy the holidays, and learn to love the magic of the season. But it was hard to juggle it all. School plays, PTA fundraisers, class parties, present shopping, and post office insanity all contributed to not being able to cuddle on the sofa to watch Rudolph with hot chocolate or eggnog.

We’d get invited to gatherings and holiday parties of friends, but those became awkward for me if my son wasn’t with me. Everyone asking where he is was always a reminder that he wasn’t with me. Their innocent questions stung my soul. Over time I started to decline holiday gatherings unless he was with me; it was just easier.

Why Traditions Matter

I’m what one would consider the family historian. I know the family tree, keep the recipes alive, and am very proud of who I am as it pertains to where I’ve come from. For me, these were important things to help my son understand even living 2,100 miles across an ocean away from my close family. Traditions are important because they give us a sense of belonging and comfort in consistency. Even a cranky teen can appreciate knowing that some things are just what we do as a family.

Some traditions are cultural and help us stay connected to our past. It’s also time when family expects to spend time together with love, laughter, and the occassional arguement over something as silly as the tree topper choice. When traditions involve extended family, the younger generation gets to know the older relatives and distant cousins, expanding their inner family circle. Making the same recipe for dinner helps you feel connected when living thousands of miles away.

Finding Our Own Way with Traditions

santa next to a christmas tree

There was one consistent part of my winter with my son, Christmas Eve though Christmas Day. Our traditions had to fit into this 36-hour window, sometimes rushed and hectic. But it had to be done in that time slot. The presents were already wrapped with Santa’s specially wrapped presents hidden out of sight. The tree would have been decorated the day after Thanksgiving or as soon as we could. My mom started sending him Hawaiian Santa ornaments when he was born, a way to connect our mainland home to our roots in Hawaii.

With everything all ready for the morning Santa presents reveal, I’d make a simple dinner. We’d eat as the Christmas movie binge would start. All the classic claymation films from my childhood like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. He’d open his presents from me and we’d play as I’d put on A Christmas Story and just soak in the evening. I’d let him plead his case to sleep on the sofa which we did, year after year. We’d put the milk and cookies out for Santa with a few carrots for the reindeer.

Somewhere around 1 AM, I’d try to pry myself from his slumbered cuddle without waking him. I’d tip toe around the house for a few minutes to make sure he didn’t wake just feet from the tree. I’d eat the the cookies and feed the carrots to the dog, keeping just a few bites to toss into the yard in the morning. It was all so easy except when you’re transporting a Santa gift filled with Lego parts through the dark. One stumble becomes a loud tell-all. Yet, year-after-year I managed to not wake him and slip back into an uncomfortable cuddle on the sofa.

Holiday Magic

boy standing over Christmas presents

Now that he is 17, there is no need to wait for Santa. Ironically, as hard and exhausting as they were, I miss the Santa routine. Why? Becuase for all the trouble of the holidays, the biggest tradition I worked hard to create was the feeling that Santa and the Spirit of Christmas was magically. I couldn’t afford a wild and crazy Christmas, yet every year I systematically figured out what was the most special gift: not just Legos but a new box of Star Wars Lego you couldn’t buy anymore.

It took planning all year to save the money to make the holiday special. It wasn’t about an expensive toy; it was his eyes widening and saying, “Of course that is Santa because I know we couldn’t get that.” That for me, even today, is the magic of a simple holiday tradition of what Santa will bring in the morning. Truth: I well up just thinking about it because I never wanted him to see the stress I experienced during the holidays. I wanted his tradition to be one of magic and his reaction was the only way I ever knew that I succeeded. Now, that part of the holiday is a memory, but a very special one that brings me joy as I look at the young man who will lay on the floor and play with the dog as we put on our movies and enjoy Christmas Eve.

Happy Holidays to all. If you need a place to talk and vent, the Single Mommy Tribe is a safe place to share and get support. No one should feel alone this holiday season.

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Single Mommy Dating Struggles

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Being a single mother navigating the world of single men is not an easy task. Dating, in general, is hard enough, but add to the mix your kids, their kids, and all that extra baggage of ex-spouses and you have a firework ready to pop. I’ve been single a long time, way too long to be honest, but for all the years I’ve been alone I haven’t been willing to change my deal breakers and how I choose a potential partner.

Most people don’t wait so long to get back in the saddle and find a boyfriend or girlfriend. At the same time, I know I’m not alone in choosing the road of raising children first and finding love later. If the time has come to be serious about finding a serious relationship, you really do need to be committed to trying. But what really goes into finding a someone ready for a committed relationship seeking a true life partner? Let’s delve into the world of single mommy dating…

Swipe Left or Right?

Unfortunately, dating has become a fast-food menu option – heck even fast food takes longer than the time most people spend on a dating profile. While meeting someone at a bar often starts with a physical attraction, there is also the opportunity to just have a conversation with people sitting near you. You get a flavor of their voice, their humor, even their intelligence, and interests. What football team they are cheering for if cheering at all.

But online dating profiles are strictly based on looks. Swipe right or left is purely a physical attraction. It’s the same for women and men. Like what you see and swipe right. Vice versa if you don’t like what you see. This is before you even get a sense of who they are. We’ve always hated that dating is marred with judgment on superficial traits, after all, isn’t it about being beautiful on the inside? Yet, we keep speeding up the process more and more.

For years, I’ve tried online dating in my search through potential partners. It’s been a painful process to say the least. Even the few times I thought I had a connection with someone and we were set to meet, they somehow found someone else at the last minute that was just quicker to the draw (or bed or whatever). It’s frustrating and demoralizing, to say the least.

Then you have to wonder if people are looking for a romantic partner or a significant other. 

Romantic Partner Vs. Significant Other

man kissing woman's hand

Is there a difference between a romantic partner and a significant other? Some people might not think so while others will certainly say yes. This is part of the relationship value system you just don’t get to understand until you really get to know someone. The difference between the two is simple: romantic partners are fun to hop in the sack with and there is a lot of physical chemistry. A significant other is someone you can imagine raising children with and is much more than a great lay. While there are overlaps between the two: a romantic partner may be a great friend and a significant other is ideally someone you are physically attracted to, but we shouldn’t confuse the two when dating.

It doesn’t matter if you are doing the online dating thing, meeting people through friends, or picking up someone at a bar, look for signs that the person is ready for a serious relationship if that’s what you want and need. If you are a woman who wants a partner, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can give.

Signs that a man is ready for a committed relationship include:

  • He seeks to be around you
  • He doesn’t disappear for times
  • He talks about the future and makes plans with you
  • You can rely on him
  • He’s unguarded around you
  • You can be unguarded around him (yes, even the ugly cry is okay)
  • He listens and cares about what you say
  • He invites you to meet his family, friends, and do hobbies
  • He shares his passions

This isn’t an end-all list and certainly, there are some things that some men may never be good at. For example, some men need alone time and will take it. Vice versa, a single mother may always be a bit guarded – at least until there is a firm commitment. Everyone needs space and should be able to set healthy boundaries, but the more signs there are of a committed single man, the more confident you can be that he is serious about becoming a significant other and not just chatting before an interlude.  

What Makes a Relationship Work

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While every relationship is different, time is precious and we need to understand what kind of relationship is healthy and meant for long-term thinking. The idea that there is one reason that is a magic secret sauce in a relationship is simply false. There are many things that become overarching themes in relationships that work.

Communication: Being able to communicate your wants, fears, feelings, desires, and needs are important and you also need to be able to hear and understand your partner’s. Successful married couples have strong communication skills.

Playfulness: A great relationship can make you feel like a child again because there is so much play happening. Being able to joke and be relaxed enough to be silly is a critical factor in many long-term relationships. When the play stops, it can mean something is wrong.

Interdependence: This means both individuals have their own identity but are able to work as a team and support each other in their lives whether married or not. Interdependence gives adults the best of independence and dependence on another human being.

Acknowledgment: Being able to say please and thank you for the little things (and big things) is imperative to not feeling as if you are being taken for granted. It’s nice to be appreciated and hear it when dinner is put on the table or the lawn is mowed. Give thanks and ideally, you get thanks in return as well.

Honesty: There is little doubt that men and women need to be honest with each other to have a strong marriage or relationship. But some serious relationships are just more honest than others. Being able to blurt out the truth and be totally accepted for it, no matter what is said is a big aspect of a healthy relationship.

You may attract a man where all of this isn’t readily apparent but with some work, you may find that you have found the boyfriend of your dreams. Toxic relationships won’t ever mature into a relationship with these components.

The Work of a Relationship

Relationships take work but they should also be a fun type of work if you are being rewarded with positive results. A single parent will have to arrange a babysitter, deal with an ex who may have an issue with the person you are dating, kids’ feelings of mom becoming romantically involved with someone, and the list goes on….

For someone like me, the work starts with getting out of my normal mom jeans, t-shirt, and baseball hat. It means taking the time to look my best which is time I generally don’t have. So the work starts in preparing for a date. Then there is the emotional work of being open while getting to know someone. That is followed by all the energy after a date wondering if you said every dumb thing you could have possibly said and if they think you are an absolute idiot. Talk about energy consumption.

But that work should be rewarded with butterflies of excitement when he calls and starts chatting away about anything and everything. That work should be rewarded with being told you look pretty. It should be rewarded with your kids liking him and being happy that mommy is a bit happier too.

Yet there are deal-breakers we need to all be aware of as they matter to us whether we admit it or not. 

Deal Breakers

A deal-breaker is something that you can’t get past and accept. You might be okay with someone having a glass of wine with dinner at night but not willing to date someone who has two vodkas every night when they come home. Each person has a different list of deal-breakers and it will do you well to know what they are. I’m Catholic and my ex is Jewish. While this wasn’t a big deal while dating, it became a big deal for him when we got married and especially in raising our son. Where we had once agreed to do our own thing, he resented the Catholic traditions I brought into his Jewish home.

Deal breakers can include things like:

  • Religious or political incompatibility
  • Smoking, alcohol, or drug habits
  • Child raising values and practices
  • Lifestyle choices 
  • Sexual incompatibility

On the flip side, for me, I know a new deal-breaker is athleticism. My ex-husband was not athletic at all and really disliked sports. While this isn’t a big deal to some degree, I love sports and being an athlete is something I identify with. I’d love my partner to share my love and passion for sports and be able to play them simply because it gives us more to do together, be playfully competitive with, and supportive in. It wasn’t a deal-breaker in my first marriage but it is one moving forward.

Think about what your deal breakers are and where you draw the line in the sand. The deal breakers should be fundamentals that you just can’t compromise on; if you try to, you’ll probably become resentful of the person which isn’t really fair since it’s your deal-breaker you compromised on.

Moving Forward

neon sign, "go up and never stop"

I’ve tried the online dating thing; I have several close friends happily married because of online dating platforms and I am happy for them. But the more I’m on dating sites, the less I feel it is for me. It doesn’t matter if it is a free or paid platform; they just don’t have great options for me. At the same time, friends remind me that I literally live on a rock and choices may be limited.

But I think it’s time for me to venture into hobbies where I can meet those with similar interests. That means joining a tennis league and maybe doing some improv classes. These are old passions that time hasn’t given me the joy of recently. But that’s the work I’ll need to do: get out, do things I love, and meet others who love the same types of things. Maybe then I’ll get out of the swipe right, swipe left rat race of a single mother scanning for unmarried single men.

Are you a single mom and want a place you can trust other single moms for support, laughter, venting, and ugly cries? We have the place for you in our Private Facebook Group.

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Single Mom Mother’s Day: Don’t Let It Suck

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When is Mother’s Day? Yeah, it’s tomorrow if you’ve been turning a blind eye to it like me. If you are a single mom worried that your Mother’s Day will suck, you aren’t alone. Celebrating Mother’s Day without a significant other there to help guide the kids into the perfect little breakfast in bed is a challenge, to say the least. Still not sure what to do for your special day?

Not every co-parenting situation is great. You may not have much more in presents that an awkwardly glued popsicle stick frame from school with an even more awkwardly set picture of your child who just didn’t quite seem ready for the snapshot while the teacher was about to do triage with a paint, glue, and glitter fight. Take a breath, Mama. This is still your day.

Take a look at 7 Mother’s Day ideas for single moms to make it special:

Make Breakfast in Bed Easy

Take the time the day before to make breakfast in bed easy for your child. Even those kids in pre-school have been well-prepped by teachers to know that Sunday is a special day for mom. They get excited about trying to do something amazing for Mommy. Let them.

Of course, if you are like me, the idea of your four-year-old in the kitchen making a mess or even setting a fire gives you heart-palpitations, be proactive. Set a tray with “Ideas for Mom’s Mother’s Day Breakfast” out. When my son was really small, I’d get different fruit, donuts, bagels and juice so all he had to do was grab and go.

Of course, I usually ended up with something he made impromptu such chocolate covered Ritz crackers with green tea hot chocolate.

Not quite what my breakfast in bed looks like each year.

Make Brunch Plans with Others

Single moms tend to know other single moms. Make it a single mom date for brunch. You’ll feel good to get out of the house to laugh and celebrate with other single moms. Don’t make this a playdate, make it a mom date. Remember that Mother’s Day is for you; every day is a playdate day.

Sure, you can end up at the park with the kids after, but make sure to take the time to have an indulgent brunch (or late lunch if you choose to stay in bed for the entire morning) where you can feel like an adult. Fill the glasses with iced teas or mimosas and enjoy great company.

Do Something Special for Your Mom

This may not seem like an intuitive Mother’s Day idea for single moms, but spending a moment to appreciate and do something special for your own mom is a great way to celebrate your own motherhood. When we celebrate our own moms and grandmothers, we honor the women we have become through their strength and guidance.

I spent many years with 2,000 miles of ocean between my mom and myself on Mother’s Day (and most days). Mother’s Day gifts for moms don’t have to be big or expensive. If you’re a sentimental fool like me, something as simple as creating a photo collage of you and your kids with the blast-from-the-past pictures of you and your mom at the same age will make you weep tears of joy. You know, those moments of, “No, I’m not crying. You’re crying,” reactions between mothers and daughters.

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Ask for One Thing as a Gift

It’s nice to get presents, right? You can do a few things when it comes to presents, especially if you don’t have a cooperative co-parent who will shop with your kids to get you something. When my son was very young, I would ask him to do one thing around the house that he hated to do ­­– usually clean his room. The idea of all the clothes and toys being put away without me having to ask, just for one day was pure joy. (Even more so with a teenager these days.)

If there is something that they want to buy you, try to work it out. There was a time when my son wasn’t old enough to wander Target alone but he wanted to get me something. He was quite sophisticated in his approach because he wanted me to trail him as he went through the store. His first stop was to get a towel and put it in the cart, under which he loaded several items from different parts of the store to keep me guessing.

Of course, I had to be looking the other way most of the time and explicitly told the cashier to just take my money, but the entire endeavor was endearing and so amazingly sweet. We made great use of that griddle!

Buy Yourself a Mother’s Day Gift

Mother’s Day gifts come in all shapes and sizes. Of course, that popsicle stick frame will be on the refrigerator for years to come. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something special for yourself. This could be a massage or having a house cleaner come and do a deep clean of the house so you can enjoy a pristine kitchen for just a little bit.

From personal experience, the house cleaner may be a better gift post-Mother’s Day breakfast made by your child. Don’t look at the kitchen and have someone scheduled to come and clean the next day. Really, just don’t look at what you five-year-old did in there. It’s not worth it. Take single mom self-care to the next level for Mother’s Day.

Stay in Bed and Read or Netflix Binge

Does this even need to be said? One of the best activities and ideas for Mother’s Day is just to stay in bed. This isn’t like staying in bed because you are sick; this is self-indulgent the world doesn’t matter staying in bed. Get a playlist of your favorite movies, grab the snacks that make you feel cared for and cuddle with your little kiddos doing practically nothing at all. Or, grab that novel you’ve been meaning to read and just relax.

If you are doing this Netflix binge, do make sure to choose movies that make you laugh and feel good. You don’t want to get sad on Mother’s Day because a movie made you feel more isolated and alone.

Let Your Child Indulge Too

If all the single mom Mother’s Day ideas, I like this one the most. Why? Because upset and crying children on Mother’s Day is the absolute worst thing that can happen. If you’re having brunch, let them choose the less healthy meal for a day. Doing a Netflix binge in bed? Let them choose a movie as well.

It’s not perfect! But being a mom is never perfect and being a single mom on Mother’s Day means getting creative. Your child knows it’s your day but they don’t fully grasp that most times. Meaning, they still are self-centered little beasts in most respects. Love them and let them indulge with you so both of you can have a great Mother’s Day.

I’d like to wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day! Celebrate yourself and enjoy the day in your own special way. You get to decide exactly how that looks. If you feel like you need a little extra support, head on over to the Single Mommy Tribe private support group on Facebook. We’ll make you laugh, let you cry, and help build you up.

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Single Mom Raising Boys: Bad Grades and Winning

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I say it often: being a single mom raising a boy is hard and often leaves me feeling inadequate as a parent. There always seems to be something missing or just not quite good enough for me to offer especially when it comes to school and bad grades. But every once in a while, something really cool happens that reminds you that there is no straight line to good parenting. We all have to duck and dive with the ebbs and flows of life.

Like a lot of other parents, I find myself looking at what other kids are doing. Facebook and Instagram are great places for us to see how perfect everyone else’s lives are. From a young age, my son was always around great kids doing awesome things in school, sports, and life in general. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing everything I can to help facilitate my son’s success.

After all, when your child does poorly at something when you see so many others succeeding, you can feel like maybe you should be doing more or something different.

Then again….

A Choice to Test Out of a Class

Parents are often faced with keeping smart kids mentally stimulated in classes that bore them. For some parents, skipping a grade or testing out of a class is the best answer. It’s a tough call in a lot of ways. When you have a smart kid, will the adjustment to a higher-level class be one solution only creating a social problem of not fitting in with older students. My choice leans finding a balance of mental and social stimulation.

There has never been a question that my son is a smart kid. As a middle schooler, he decided to test out of Algebra I during the summer so he could get a head start on math for high school. The summer was essentially dedicated to this singular goal and I spent quite a bit of time and money both relearning Algebra and bringing on the hired guns to tutor him. It was accelerated and took a couple of tries, but he passed.

My concern was that Algebra I is the foundation of all other math he will do from here on out. Did he have a good enough understanding of the principals to do well in the future or would it be a problem in the future. He was only in the 8th grade taking Geometry and Algebra II concurrently. Ultimately, he got A’s in both.

Getting Help for Poor Performance

When your kid succeeds at something you were concerned was a wrong decision, well, a bigger pride comes over you simply because they proved you wrong. The Algebra thing concerned me and I still wondered about the long-term effects of cramming Algebra I into a 3-month tutored lesson. But, he not only passed the test, he also showed great dedication and resolve in the process.

Then…

boy with Apply laptop on bed

Along comes high school. He got through his Freshman year in a new school and a new state. His grades weren’t perfect, but there was no concern over bad performance. He became very involved in jROTC and weight training. All in all, he was building a group of friends, doing well in school and starting to develop into a young man of character. All things moms are proud of.

Welcome Trigonometry. At this point, my son has well surpassed my math skills. I wrapped at Algebra II in high school and never thought twice about taking another math class. I would never be of any help. As the quarter went on, it became apparent that he was having more than a slightly hard time with the class. I barked at him as a mother concerned about her child’s GPA would.



Parenting Through a Failing Grade

My barking became a search for solutions. He was required to see the teacher at lunch and after school. I hired a tutor – actually two of them because the first just wasn’t connecting with him. He put the time in. We thought he was making progress but at the end of the semester, the final grades came in and it wasn’t even close. He had failed the class miserably. The F stood out among what was an otherwise excellent report card.

I remember sitting on the sofa looking at the report card as he sat next to me, clearly concerned about my reaction. The rule was that if he didn’t take care of business (his school work), he’d lose his afterschool jROTC activities. I could feel my own anger well up, wondering how such a smart kid could let this happen. Why did I waste the money on a tutor? This was going to be hard to overcome for college planning.

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From Lamenting to Learning

It probably took me a good five minutes of frustrated nagging in search of any plausible answer from him for the grade. He simply had no answer and I knew it; he had gone to the teacher every day. He had gone to the tutor twice a week after school. He did the extra work. I saw it – that I demanded. He put the effort in and neither of us got the result we wanted.

It became very clear to me that I was upset because I want the best for him; I expect his potential to shine through on everything he does. However, there are times in life when you will do everything right, everything you can to succeed and life will just throw you a curve ball. That is what this was, a great big stinking F-bomb (math style). A series of my own failures and struggles in life ran through my head.

A big deep breath and then a hug. I apologized to him for my reaction but he kept apologizing for the grade. It took me longer to articulate my thoughts because the emotions of disappointment still swelled throughout my body. Finally, I was able to explain to him that I was upset that the grade is bad and there is work we need to do to address that but that I was proud of him.

Proud of a Failing Grade?

He heard the word proud and took a beat, shaking his own head in disbelief. Why would you be proud?

He worked hard. He didn’t give up. We knew the journey from Algebra I had its risks that could lead to failure and maybe that had finally caught up to us. He was probably burnt out on all the math and science and his brain simply wasn’t computing things, literally. How could I be mad at someone for giving everything he had and coming up short.

These were points that took the better part of the night for me to explain. Sometimes life doesn’t give us what we want. It is up to us to continue to try, to find other solutions and to work hard. Overcoming a bad grade would be the next project.

HESTEMP and Summer Learning

We conferred with his counselor and decided to pull him out of math for the second semester of his Sophomore year. He already had all the math he needed to graduation so it felt like the right decision to let him focus on other classes and use the period for study hall. As summer approached, he and his friends started a voluntary program through the University of Hawaii, HESTEMP.

They started going to UH on weekends to work with their mentors, Ph.D. students in the engineering program working under a doctorate professor. His group decided on a project idea and the mentors gave them a list of the curriculum to go and learn. Over the course of the summer, my son taught himself via YouTube lectures, conversations with his friends, and some direction from his mentor Calculus, Trigonometry, Advanced Physics, and Coding. They designed a rocket and the systems in it to determine guidance.

Sample HESTEMP project
Similar to what he’s working on.

At this point, I can’t even explain what he was learning or doing other than his end goal was to eventually work on a piece of a NASA project. The program gives him no grade. He gets no credit for going, even though he diligently caught the bus almost every weekday summer morning and many weekends since school started back up. He spends hours online reading scientific papers and determining how what he is developing can be applied.

Math theory. I’m not even sure what that is. All I know is the kid is into it.

Along Comes a NASA Conversation

After nearly a year of self-education, recruiting a couple younger team members and presenting his project idea to the PhD students, professor and a few NASA representatives, he tells me that the algorithms he is developing have applications for NASA and the FAA regarding drones in urban areas.

Huh?

Did he just say NASA understood what he was talking about, felt it was correct, and applicable?

Single Mom Panic to Parenting Win

As I listened to the joy come from him as he explained how successful his presentation was, I couldn’t help think back to the conversation on the couch about putting the work in, being motivated to succeed, and persevere through hardship. I’m not sure what is next on his educational road – we’re planning the college scouting trip for the summer. What I do know is he has the tenacity and intelligence to accomplish what he wants in life.

That doesn’t mean life will always put checks in the Win column, but I feel good knowing he has cracked the code to overcoming disappointment and failure. There is no way to tell if my reaction to his Trig grade played a roll in him developing that skill. Like I said, I’m always wondering if I’m doing this single mom parenting right, if I’m doing enough, and if I’m helping him grow.

This one time I’d like to think that I did the right thing.

Wondering if you’re doing this single mom thing right, too? Come join the Single Mommy Tribe. We’re here to vent, laugh, and support.

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When Family Traditions Become a Burden: Single Mom Struggles

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When Family Traditions Become a Burden: Single Mom Struggles

Family traditions mean different things to people. Traditions can be events, projects, crafts, stories or just a certain dish on a special holiday. Family traditions are important in building stronger relationships among family members of different generations. But, keeping family traditions when far away from family or as a single mom can become a burden.

When parents split, children are faced with two homes that often do things differently. Holidays and events are shared or alternated giving little opportunity to maintain consistent family traditions. I remember making a Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesdays in years my son was at his father’s for the holiday. It was my way to spend quality time with him and let him enjoy the recipes of my childhood.

A Different Mardi Gras Tradition

Mardi Gras isn’t celebrated the same in Hawaii as it is elsewhere. In Hawaii, Fat Tuesday is known as Malasadas Day. The malasada is a Portuguese doughnut, heavy on yeast and eggs, deep fried and coated with sugar. Modern twists to this recipe have cinnamon-sugar coatings as well as custard, chocolate and coconut fillings.

As a child, Malasadas Day was a day of excitement and pride for me. Growing up in a Portuguese family in Hawaii meant this was a day where we really got to share our culture and aloha spirit. Grandma would start the dough the night before, wake to pound it in the middle of the night and start cooking the malasadas around 5:30 am. Living just a few minutes away, my brother and I were able to get up early before school and help.

The job of the malasada sugar-coater was important. You needed to toss them in the sugar without crushing them. The reward: first taste of the delicious treat, still hot from the oil. The thought of the hot, soft dough mixed with a little crunch of the sweet sugar still makes my mouth water.

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Growing Up and Moving Away

It is more and more common for children to grow up, go off to school and move away from their hometown. This was true for me and many of my friends growing up. Hawaii is a small state with limited resources and jobs. Many of us could simply do better leaving the state. It isn’t easy to make a weekend trip back to the islands; a flight is approximately five hours and costly.

This means traditions risk dying. I was living in California with a roommate from Hawaii the first time I tried making Grandma’s malasadas recipe. It’s a chore and leaves a mess or dough and sugar in kitchen crevices you didn’t realize you got close to. Up before work to make a few dozen to share with co-workers and friends became my tradition.

As Family Traditions Slowly Fade

Family traditions such as Malasadas Day can fade away as those who are the architects stop doing them. Over time, my grandmother got older, the family and friends who would normally share the doughnuts weren’t around and she stopped making them. I was glad I had started. It’s a thread to my childhood as well as a link to our family heritage. I’m the 4th generation of my family to be born in the islands. In the world of DNA testing to determine your origins, I feel blessed to have a very clear picture of my family history dating back to the late 1400s in Portugal.

New Family Traditions

Getting married and having my son in California offered the opportunity to start many new traditions, some blended traditions between two backgrounds and some just new ways of doing things. Putting your mark on your own family traditions is important, too, especially if you are far away from the original rituals.

plantation banana tree

It was always important for me to make sure my son understood our heritage. We’ve visited the Hawaii’s Plantation Village, doing almost a Where’s Waldo trying to find the picture of my Grandfather on the walls talking about the plantation’s labor rise. We toured the homes that show how the different immigrants and plantation workers lived: the Filipino homes set differently than the Portuguese and Japanese. It shows the diverse culture that has become the cornerstone for Hawaii’s diversity.

Making Malasadas on Fat Tuesday

When he was in elementary school in California, my Malasadas Day tradition grew. They had Mardi Gras parties at school; it was a natural way for me to help him share his own history and tradition, rooted in a Portuguese plantation family in the islands. Even my own family laughs and says that I’m crazy for doing this every year. The amount of time I’ll spend in the kitchen the night before and early in the morning to make the doughnuts is akin to preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.

Then I remember, my glee as a child running into my grandparents’ home before the crack of dawn to get my place by the sugar pan. There are fewer memories that give me as much joy as Malasadas Day. In fact, mastering the many recipes of my family has been my passion for the past five or six years. Now that we are back in the islands, I get Grandma’s taste of approval to know I’ve done it right.

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Why Take On Extra Work to Keep Family Traditions

Here in Hawaii, you can buy Malasadas easily. I happen to share the name with the bakery known world-wide for it, Leonard’s Bakery (no relation). It isn’t the same as making them. I’ll likely have no help from my teenage son but he’ll enjoy the rewards. Mom and Grandma will as well. It will give everyone in the family reason to talk, reminisce and bond.

That is the true reason we take the time and do the work to keep family traditions. I don’t know where the tradition goes in the next generation. It’s not for me to force the tradition into the next chapter of our family history. But I do feel it is my role to facilitate keeping the traditions that I loved as a child and my family worked so hard to keep and share.

Finding Your Own Traditions

family traditions reading books

Malasadas Day is a big day around here. Family traditions don’t have to revolve around holidays or big events. Reading to your child at bedtime is a tradition they will remember and value. My son and I used to go from the book to an adlib story about one of his stuffed animals. It was silly and fun, sparked creativity and is remembered to this day, long after he has outgrown his “stuffy days.”

Sundays at the beach or a local park with friends are simple traditions that provide security and consistency for kids. I think they also provide some security and consistency for us parents. As a single mom, there have been a lot of different things that uprooted normal big holiday traditions. It’s hard when you alternate holidays. It’s always been the little things that help ground me as a mom, feeling like I’m providing my son the same level of lifestyle blessings I felt as a child.

That is the reason I spend the time and overcome the burden of keeping family traditions.

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Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

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Single’s Awareness Day: Are You Kidding Me?

There are a few days every year that really make you feel single. No doubt that the biggest culprit is Valentine’s Day. To make our single souls feel better, someone decided to dub the day of love as Single’s Awareness Day. Are you serious? If there is any day that should not be used to celebrate the strength of solo men and women everywhere, it is the day after Valentine’s Day.

Go ahead and call my Cupid’s Scrooge. It’s okay. I’ll wear that badge with pride because you can’t make a pie out of cow patties and call it old fashioned apple pie. Nope, nope and nope.

The Delusion of Singles Awareness Day

First of all, no one can decide if you celebrate this holiday on Valentine’s Day to spite all in love or party it up the next day. Seriously people. Are we that delusional that we need to pretend that Valentine’s Day is something other than the day of love?

flowers for singles awareness day

Where teenage girls get giddy because that boy kissed her.

Where newlyweds burn everything while making that dinner where the thought that counts and they weren’t really going to eat the food anyways.

Where couples who have 50 years together find that one special chocolate candy the other has always loved.

We should be celebrating love and look for all the places we have it in our lives. Don’t all those mindset coaches tell us to put out there what we want to attract? Well if we celebrate being alone, isn’t that what we will attract? Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem embracing my strength as a single mom. Been doing it for 14+ years and am in no rush.

But to fall in love…. I’ll hold on to that dream.

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Admit It: You Are Alone

You won’t find me out with all my other single girlfriends throwing some grand party celebrating our independence on Valentine’s Day. I’ll be home, having another average dinner with my son wondering if he got asked by anyone to be her Valentine. Not that he would admit it, but it’s nice to think he did.

I don’t want to dilute Valentine’s Day. If I went out, it would be one great big reminder that everyone around us was in love, pretending to be in love or hoping love would spark through this romantic evening. As the hopeless romantic that I still dream about becoming, I don’t want to be the person accidentally sending side-eyed glances in disdain to the happy couple next to me.

Yes, I Said I’m a Hopeless Romantic

Don’t let the rumors hit you in the butt on the way out. I don’t want to celebrate being single on Valentine’s Day. And I don’t want to be around everyone in love either. I want to be home, watching sappy love stories on television after dinner – yes, I’ll probably get some indulgent dessert. I want to dream that love is still possible even for a curmudgeon like me.

cake

There is no question that my return trip to the world of the living lovers has stalled. In fact, it could probably use a tow to the nearest single’s bar. After a divorce, single moms often make tough choices. For me, it was refraining from the dating scene until I got my own life together again and wasn’t concerned with falling into the shit-storm I had when married. For that, I have no regrets.

My Valentine’s Day Mantra

You see, many single men and women watch others in love and think about the love they lost. They sit and ask themselves, “Why me? How did all this happen?” Anyone who knows even the superficial me knows I have no room for the victim mentality in my life. Yet, Valentine’s Day has me ponder, “Why not me?” It’s a subtle difference but one of curiosity, not victimization.

I’m not exactly ugly. I’ve got a great career. I’m smart and actually can make someone snarf a drink with a well-timed joke. Meaning I’m confident enough to say, “I’m not a total loser.” Just a moderate one… at least when it comes to love.

Why Vs Why Not

You see, thinking of things in terms of the why me mode is looking backward at what happened and the negative things that led to a void in my life right now. But when I think of why not me, I find myself reminded of the choices I have made to be a mom first, build a career second and then open myself to love whenever (as you can see, it hasn’t developed a strong plan).

One day with everyone else celebrating might be hard, but it doesn’t change my choices or my perspective. In fact, it gives me hope. Because I know that if I made one choice for certain reasons and succeeded in my goals, that making another choice and putting forth the energy will also yield to results.

Because I am smart … and funny … and successful … and a good mother. And overall, I think I’m a pretty good person who strives to build other people up and help them be better versions of who they want to be. Oh, and I’m not ugly.

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Why Not Appreciate Singles’ Awareness Day?

Look, I am no one to judge anyone for finding a way to not be depressed on a day like Valentine’s Day. For those who are recently single, struggling to get over the deep emotional struggles, being around your best single pals can be empowering. I get it.

For me, I don’t want to change my hope and belief that Cupid, with those stinking flimsy little arrows of his, might do me a favor and rapid fire 50 at me to see what sticks. I don’t want to be so appreciative of being single that I forget to look for or be open to love.

Laugh, I know. For a girl who hasn’t seemed to care about dating or falling in love, just remember that I am a sappy romantic. who cries at Hallmark commercials and gets a little warm feeling when I see a 70-year-old man open the door for his wife with a little extra pep because he is happy and in love.

I’m not ashamed to say it. I’d love to be in love like that. And I don’t want to be too appreciative on Single’s Awareness Day that I don’t actively seek greater love in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day from this curmudgeon. If anyone needs an ear, I’m here. While I won’t make it about Single’s Awareness Day, I will always be willing to support those who need just someone to listen and laugh with.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

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Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

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Single Mom Raising Boys: Finding Male Role Models

Most days, if the phrase, “moms raising boys” hits the news there either is a school shooting, reviews of gang violence or other youth violence. Troubled boys without a father-figure in their lives is often a primary topic of concern. Some call it an epidemic resulting from boys not having a dad or positive male role model in the picture. As a single mom of a son, my concerns are the same as any parent.

How do I raise a good child who becomes a healthy man capable of contributing to this world, being compassionate and at the same time strong in his own character with good manners and independence?

No matter whether you have a boy or girl and are a single mom or single dad, single-parent homes pose challenges.

The Role of Dads in Boys Upbringing

man and boy

Fathers play an important role in the development of both boys and girls. When it comes to sons, fathers don’t just teach them about using tools, shaving or asking that first girl out on a date. Fathers set the tone for how men interact with other men, how they treat women and deal with adversity. The monkey see monkey do theory applies very strongly.

Most of what a boy learns from his father is unsaid. He observes traits, actions and thought patterns that either leads him to want to be just like his dad or nothing like his father. In recent decades, parental roles have shifted. Where female roles were primarily nurturing caregivers and male duties were providers and disciplinarians, parents today often seem to blend tasks and parental duties. Yet, boys still get something from fathers that they don’t get from the women in their live.

When Dad Isn’t Around or Isn’t a Positive Role Model

Just because we are moms and dads doesn’t make us great or even good parents. Raising children is hard. Having the strength and wisdom to be better every day, spending time with our children requires constant self-reflection. As it was once expressed to me, “the fact that someone cares enough to question whether they are doing right or wrong for their child elevates them as a parent.”

This happened to resonate with me (and make me feel better for all the mistakes I feel I constantly make as a single parent and as a mom in general). There was a point after my divorce that my son refused to go to his dad’s. School and police didn’t force the issue feeling my son had a compelling enough story he could articulate that was his reason for not going. I suggested to his father to go to family therapy to fix the rift between them.

Then it all started; weekly therapy sessions with my son and my ex-husband.

I have been accused by my ex over the years of trying to poison my son’s mind about his father. My relationship with my son is strong and it is none existent with his dad. My ex’s argument is out son has a mother and a father and that’s simply the way it is. He (my ex-husband) for years was intent on defending his rights but never once stopped to reflect on his actions.

One lesson I happen to recall from physics is that for every action there is a reaction.

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Not Every Dad Should Be the Primary Male Role Model

There! I said it. Just being a dad doesn’t make you a great role model. I don’t deny biological fathers’ rights. Nor do I think this is exclusively a dad issues. There are lots of moms not well-suited to rear and raise children.

Anyone who knows me knows the value I place on family. At the same time, we need to recognize the people in our lives who might be toxic to our mental health. When it comes to my son and his father, I’ll always recognize my ex as my son’s father. At the same time, I don’t think every father (or parent) is good for their children.

Being Able to Teach Ourselves As We Go

Don’t read into that statement the bling I feel parents need to be perfect. I am far from perfect. With that said, I spend a lot of time reflecting on my actions, apologizing if I jumped the gun on something and consulting other parents and experts when I am uncertain about something. Refusing to recognize your impact to your child’s long-term mental health is a big problem.

That doesn’t mean being a single mom is the best answer but for me was a better one. The question becomes: how to give my son the male role models he craves in a healthy way?

Moms can’t be that masculine figure. Heck, I’m as tom-boy as they get but realize I cannot cultivate the masculine essence of a young man by myself. Single moms face serious challenges in this area. Male role models and mentors fill the gaps of what a home without a dad.

New Men in Mom’s Life

single mom raising boys beginning dating

When single moms start dating, the male role model isn’t an automatic given. Boys if single moms become fiercely protective of their moms. They can resent a new man even if he is a great person. While they want Mom to be happy, they seem to always proceed with caution.

When my son was in elementary school. We started spending a lot of time at the municipal airport. He loved being in the hangar with the guys and was welcomed into the club. They robbed him, taught him about rebuilding and maintaining old warbirds. He talked story with WWII vets and occasionally had the chance to take a backseat.

He loved all the guys there and I moved that he had great role models. When one of the guys asked us out for Sunday brunch, my son was pretty savvy to what was going on. Even though he knew and really liked the guy, he became a human barrier between me and the proposed suitor. Did I say he knew and liked the guy? He just didn’t want anyone putting their mitts on his mom.

The Revolving Door

The other issue that arises when mom gets a new man in her life is the potential for that to be a revolving door. Let’s face it, we don’t always make the best decisions in love – there’s a reason we aren’t with our son’s father. Constantly exposing your son to the new guy leads to a host of issues. The instability often results in behavioral issues, emotional well-being and anxiety issues, as well as negatively effects cognitive achievement and function.

It’s better for a single mom to date discreetly until she is confident she has found someone worth pursuing with a long-term relationship. This can be hard when a single mom wants to balance everything with limited time and perhaps limited resources for child care.

Finding Male Role Models for Kids of Single Moms

A big question for society becomes where do boys of single moms get the proper guidance and comradery with adult male role models? I don’t know a single mom of a boy who doesn’t actively think about and seek out ways to get positive male influencers in his life. Finding male role models for kids of single moms often starts within your own network.

Family and Friends

Many single women can find great role models for their sons close to home. If your son is able to spend time with Grandpa or an uncle or adult cousin, these are often great ways to not just have your son spend time with someone as he develops his manhood, it also keeps the concept of family unity in place.

This isn’t always possible. In my case, my closest family was 2,300 miles away across the Pacific Ocean. Moving wasn’t an option at the time. I always felt great when spending time at a friends house with the kids and her husband would take my son to show him projects in the garage or offer to help with a school project. Not only did my son get to spend time with a great man, he also got to see how great dads interact with their children that is critical.

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Church and Youth Groups

Churches and youth groups including The Big Brother programs are great ways to not just meet more people and expand your single parenting network, the help kids find mentors and positive role models. Talk to the pastor or youth coordinator about finding a program your child will enjoy and be exposed to great male leaders.

Sports and Recreation Activities

Sports and recreation activities are probably the primary way single moms help their boys find positive role models. Coaches often push kids, help them establish discipline and keep them in check with manners. Coaches positively change the lives of kids every single day and it’s a great way to get some time to get dinner ready uninterrupted.

My son wasn’t really into sports. His aviation interest was his recreation and we were lucky to find a group that adopted us as their own. I had no aviation experience. People would ask why I spent entire weekends getting greasy and doing grunt work in a small hangar. It was to help earn my keep, really my son’s place in the crowd. Sure, he did his part and that was the deal. His interest was aviation and I was going to foster it any way I could.

The Lesson I Learned Because I Didn’t Over-Mother

He was 8-years-old when he started helping around the hangar. I’d actually dismiss myself when possible to not be the “mom” hanging around. I’d stay close in case there was a problem. After about an hour, my son came in totally ecstatic, “Mom, Stu gave me a job and I did the whole thing.” The job was to use a razor blade to scrape off old labels on a parts drawer and my son’s hands had more than one oops cut, though nothing major.

With a deep breath, I smiled, checked his hands and said, “Wow, what’s the next job?” I knew I would have never let my son fiddle with a razor at age 8. But, I also knew Stu had an eye on him. My son was as proud of himself as I had ever seen. It was a gut check for me. Men challenge young men to do masculine things, to step into manhood. I would have mothered him and found a safer task.

All I can recommend to other single moms is spend time with your sons and daughters. Learn what makes them tick and be open to knowing you can’t be everything for them. Find them mentors in things they love and they will find their role models naturally.

It’s still scary. I have a teenage son and am watching him get ready to leave the nest. But no one needs to feel like they are part of the epidemic. Our boys can thrive. We will make certain of that.

Being a single mom does mean you are parenting solo, but it doesn’t mean you need to be alone. Join the Tribe for support, resources and fun.

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Getting Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

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Breaking up is hard to do under the best of circumstances. Getting out of an unhealthy relationship has internal dynamics that make is all the harder to end. Understanding what makes a relationship unhealthy helps the person leaving to identify the reasons they need to leave. Substance abuse, mental illness, emotional and physical abuse, and infidelity are signs that you are in a bad relationship and need to find a way out.

What Is an Unhealthy Relationship

There is not one thing that defines an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes personalities simply don’t mix and you aren’t happy; you feel like the relationship holds you down. More often than not, unhealthy relationships involve physical or emotional abuse, monetary control or social isolation (or all of them).

Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

unhealthy relationship couple arguing

There is a myriad of reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships. Often it can be a mixture of things that lead from one bad relationship to another. Until someone understands why they get in and stay in a bad relationship, the cycle continues. As a single mom, my goal is to break the cycle of my bad choices now that I’m out of the unhealthy relationship. That being said, it isn’t easy getting out.

I knew before my son was even born that our marriage wasn’t going to last. Yet, I was desperate to find a way to make it work. I wanted my son to have a cohesive family he could rely on. And even in the face of knowing it wasn’t going to happen, my pride didn’t want to admit how bad of a decision I had made. I stayed two years longer than was emotionally healthy for myself.

Here are some reasons we stay in unhealthy relationships:

Self-Worth and Satisfaction

One of the most prevalent is your personal set of standards, meaning someone can be satisfied with an unsatisfactory relationship. This often has to do with a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Comparing your life to others, it can be easy to say, “well I don’t deserve more than this.”

Abusive Conditioning and Fear

This feeling could also be the result of manipulation and emotional abuse. A man or woman could become convinced by an abusive partner that they aren’t deserving of someone better, that they are worthless and unlovable. Some trying to leaving an abusive relationship may fear a violent outburst from his or her partner.

Investment of Time or Money

Our personal ego can fight our own instincts to leave someone. We look at the time and money spent to build a relationship. It can be hard to determine when it is time to cut our losses and move on. This is where emotions and rational thinking don’t always mesh; our heart is telling us we aren’t happy but our mind is telling us that we should stick it out because we’ve been together for so long.

Children Are Involved

One of the hardest things to do is to leave when children are involved. There are a couple of reasons for this. The most common reason is keeping the children’s best interest at heart by not wanting them to have a split home. Other reasons are more fear-based: men may think they won’t have time with their kids while women may fear not being able to provide for the household on their own. Remember that there is an impact on kids when we stay in toxic relationships.

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The Difference Between Compromise and Sacrifice

Compromise is when two parties work together to find a middle ground; it means both are probably getting something and giving something. Sacrificing is giving up your needs and wants to give in to the other person. Continual sacrifice leads to a feeling of resentment and unfulfillment.

It’s often said that it takes two people to make a relationship work. It is also said that it takes two to make it fail. The latter statement can be a bit tricky. Two people compromising or deciding to split ways is a demonstration of two people making it work or not work. One person expecting the other to always make the sacrifice still technically involves two people but only one is really working on the relationship.

You are sacrificing if:

  • you are always giving and never getting anything in return.
  • nothing is ever enough to satisfy the other person.
  • the goal posts move every time you agree to your side of the compromise.

Sacrifice Can Be Subtle

It was apparent that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. The food I always had cooked and loved wasn’t healthy enough by his standards. When I changed the entire menu according to his wishes, he never ate it and complained that I never cooked. One of the many ways in which I thought I was making a compromise to make things work. In my mind, it was a small change to make so our family could enjoy a meal together.

Finally separated, I was able to inventory all the things I loved that I changed or got rid of. Everything from how I cooked, favorite artwork and even relocating my dog. I also lost count of the number of times he told me he “didn’t need to compromise.” There were two in the marriage with only one trying to work things out.

Knowing When It’s Time to Leave

At some point, a person needs to know when it is time to leave. It will never feel right or feel good because you do have emotional ties to the person, the relationship and the situation. You may be afraid that making the leap will lead to something worse than where you are at. Often, people know it’s time and still stay mustering the courage and developing the plan to do so.

The moment you realize it is time to leave can be the most terrifying moment you ever face. You’re in a bad relationship, maybe physically or emotionally abusive. Changing the status quo can set a chain reaction of things. But, you have to recognize that time has come.

Here are some things to consider the time to get out of a bad relationship:

  • Walking on eggshells is the new normal, even for the kids, so as to not upset your partner
  • Friends no longer want to meet at your home or have couples’ nights out
  • Sex life is unsatisfying or non-existent
  • Fear is the predominant feeling
  • Money is completely controlled by the other party
  • Memories of why you are together are hard to find
  • Sleeping, eating and exercise habits become unhealthy

Everyone’s list is unique. The patterns of an unhealthy relationship are different for everyone. It’s important to know that while you may feel stuck, you aren’t. You have the opportunity to make a change for the better.

Have a Plan to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship

Take the time to create a plan for leaving. Obviously, if you are in physical danger, time is not on your side. You need to get out and find a friend, family member or shelter that can help. In most other situations, simply getting up and walking out rarely puts you in a position of personal strength ­– personal strength is everything you need when leaving.

Start with a trusted support network. Figure out the money; save somewhere you can. Line up employment if you don’t already work. Find a place stay, whether with a friend or renting somewhere on your own. Check on how benefits work if you will need them to get you through the initial phase of break off. That’s what this is, breaking off, not breaking up. You need to cut the emotional ties and physical dependency while keeping the rest of you intact.

Go Time

go time clock

Take a deep breath and consider what you are doing. There will be so many triggers pulling you back to staying if even for the comfort of just not creating conflict. Get a friend to help you, support you through it. If you make plans you can’t change, it helps. Hire movers or sign the contract for a new lease.

When I knew it was time, I went out and looked for a place to live. I found a small house in a community I felt safe in. The lease was signed, deposit paid and movers hired. There were two locations I needed to deal with: our home and our ranch where most of my things had been put in storage because he didn’t like them. My plan was to have my son go to a playdate while I met the movers at the ranch to take care of that then swing by and get the essentials from the home. A friend met me the day before to help me gather my things at the ranch so we could be in and out as quickly as possible.

So much for trusted allies. He came home that night with a sudden urgency to go to the ranch on a weeknight when it was always a weekend home. When the movers and I arrived, he had unpacked things to go through them, taken what he felt was his and harassed the movers with a video camera in their face the entire time. Nothing about that day was easy but the moment I laid in my new home, with my son cuddled up next to me, I knew I had taken the first step to regain control of my life.

Recovering from an Unhealthy Relationship

It takes time to untangle the emotions after breaking away from an unhealthy relationship. People react differently. Some get out and enjoy freedom while others stay at home, suffering in silence. Extremes of either option aren’t good. Make time to spend with friends and family but don’t be afraid to sit down and feel. Figure out who you are again.

Kids will have their own struggles. It’s important that you don’t get so stuck in your own healing that you forget about the pain or confusion your children might be feeling. Yes, kids are resilient but they still experience stress when mommy and daddy split.

Shortly before I moved out, I had taken my son to the pediatrician. In the visit, I explained to the doctor that his father and I were separating and was there anything I should expect. His words were prophetic, “He’ll feel like things are out of control so he’ll hold on to what he can control. His bladder.” My son was a toddler and just starting pottie training that quickly stopped by toddler refusal when we moved out. When I followed up with the pediatrician, he laughed, “Don’t worry, it will work itself out. I promise he won’t be going to college in a diaper.”

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Not Making the Same Mistakes Again

It’s easy to say, “I’m never going to let that happen to me again.” You’ve left because you saw the need, felt the negativity and broke away. Clarity is a nice thing. Then come the loneliness and the stress. Being a single mom or single dad isn’t easy; it’s nice to have someone around to talk to, to help, to keep guard of the bathroom door for an indulgent bath alone. All those feelings are natural and normal.

No one can predict how long it will take to recover or how long it should take to jump back into the dating world. Some people are better about just going out and dating casually than others. I’ve never been good at casual dating so for me, it has been a very cautious road of who I let into my life and into my son’s. The work to heal takes time and requires digging into all the icky stuff that makes us feel ashamed or embarrassed for our previous decisions. You have to do that work to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Otherwise, the cycle continues.

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